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Original poster

We have a baby and I don't know what to do..

25 replies

namechange886 · 09/12/2017 21:56

My OH and I have been together for 5 years and we have a newborn who is 6 months old. Our baby boy was planned as we had just moved in together a year previous to when he was conceived and up until a few weeks ago, I was completely content.
A fair few months ago, my OH went for a night out drinking and didn't come home until afternoon the next day. When I spoke to him, he insisted he was round a friends house and had fallen asleep. We have "Find my friend" installed so I had knowledge of where he was but didn't recognise the road (it's a town over from ours) so just believed him as I didn't imagine anything sinister had happened and I had full trust. Recently, he has a new phone so he asked me to help him delete and switch over everything. On his FB messenger call history (we were in the process of deleting apps as he was selling the phone, the call system which he never uses so very old logs showed up) were 3 calls he had made the night this had happened to his ex girlfriend. We had a massive argument and I told him I couldn't believe he hadn't told me, what on Earth did he do that for, etc etc and he received silent treatment for a few days. During that time I went full investigate mode, and noticed that his ex girlfriends best friend has posted saying that she loves living down OH ex road now she's moved into her new house. Another post from ex's friend says her road name and it is the exact same road OH was on the night he went AWOL.
I questioned OH on this and he got very upset and teary and insists he has no idea what went on as he was absolutely plastered and all he remembers is getting home the next morning and didn't know where he was the night before.
I'm not stupid. I know he went back there even though I don't have full solid proof that he did. I also don't have proof he's cheated on me but why else would you go back to an ex's house if it wasn't for that one thing? I am not going to contact her as I don't want to give her that pleasure so have no way of getting truthful answers as my OH "doesn't remember a thing".
I'm devastated. I have a baby and I just know I will struggle badly on my own. I have nowhere to go as my parents have now downsized and I no longer have a bedroom at home. I'm on maternity leave and receiving statutory pay and am in a tiny bit of debt (very manageable but just on a card from when I was a teen). I love him so very much but I have no idea if I should stay or go. WWYD? Could it be something I could potentially forget and move on from without fully knowing if he did?

OP posts:
aftertheevent · 09/12/2017 22:05

I'm so sorry but it looks like he has cheated with his ex and he has conveniently forgotten. He is guilty hence the tears.
Its up to you now to decide whether you can get over this. I know its really hard.
you have enough proof.

Disquieted1 · 09/12/2017 22:08

It's not a question of stay or go right now. Don't think that you have to make such a digital decision.

Take the time to think about what you want and not what you should or shouldn't do.

Best wishes.

GertrudeCB · 09/12/2017 22:15

All points towards him cheating, sorry op.
You don't have to make any rash decisions straight away but I would be asking him to leave for a few days to give you space to think Flowers

RestingGrinchFace · 09/12/2017 22:20

In your position I would sort out some contraception, insist that you DH is sterilised and get on with raising your child. Then leave when it is no longer necessary for you to be together (with a lovely divorce settlement hopefully). You know what he has done. You know that you can't trust him. So do what you have to ensure that your child doesn't suffer as a result of his bad behaviour.

Animation86 · 09/12/2017 22:24

I shouldn’t laugh but encouraging sterilisation 😂 I just shouldn’t advocate this but the devil on my shoulder tells me otherwise

f83mx · 09/12/2017 22:28

insist he is sterilised? I really hope you are inappropriately joking.

OP - you could as your OH to message her to find out what happened if you really want to know but him getting upset etc sounds like it is the inevitable. Whether you can forgive is all on you though i'm afraid - it would be 50/50 for me and even if i wanted to i'm not sure i could ever get it out of my head, I probably would need to know exactly what happened though otherwise the 'what if' would drive me mad - so i would go from there.

Original poster
namechange886 · 09/12/2017 23:07

We're not married which is why I think I will struggle financially. I have no idea what to do. Sad

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 09/12/2017 23:52

insist that you DH is sterilised

Are you serious?

SandyY2K · 09/12/2017 23:52

He cheated...he hasn't got amnesia.

Offred · 10/12/2017 00:11

He remembers he just doesn’t respect you enough to be honest.

IMO I might be inclined to forgive a very drunken ONS with an ex but there is absolutely no way at all I would forgive the lying about it.

santasbeardlookslikeicecream · 10/12/2017 00:21

I think it's fairly obvious that he cheated. Is that something that you can accept?

If you ever want to get the truth out of him, you need to stop with the silent treatment and have a calm and rational discussion with him, if only to get him to admit that it happened, then you can decide how you want to proceed.

Ask yourself this (assuming that he has cheated) if money were no object, would you stay with him?

Desmondo2016 · 10/12/2017 00:23

Of course he remembers! So, accept that and decide whether you wish to try and get past this with him or not. You're under no obligation to ltb but in all honesty having done it once he's statistically highly unlikely to go for the rest of time without doing it again.

Thymeout · 10/12/2017 00:34

Have you any reason to think that his ex would still be interested in him after 5 years? I can't imagine sleeping with an ex of mine from that long ago if he turned up plastered on my doorstep. But I might have let him in to sleep on the sofa to stop him waking up the neighbours. Did your investigations show that she's got a new partner?

People do crazy things when they're drunk. And if they're really out of it, they don't remember.

It seems a bit drastic to break up a happy family with a young baby without cast-iron proof. Ring her up and see what she says.

Offred · 10/12/2017 00:44

Who ever has ‘cast iron proof’ of cheating?

Hardly any people actually walk in on it and see it with their own eyes...

Most people have to make a judgement about whether or not they can trust what their partner is saying/doing.

ferando81 · 10/12/2017 00:51

Perspective needed.Of course he has cheated.But is he a good partner,father ,provider ,friend ,etc.Does he love you? If the answer is yes then you might have a chance of salvaging the relationship.
The fact you love him is irrelevant if he doesn't love you because he will cheat again.
If you think it was a drunken one off ,can you live with that?
Take your time and do what is best for you and your baby

fizzthecat1 · 10/12/2017 00:57

his ex girlfriends best friend has posted saying that she loves living down OH ex road now she's moved into her new house. Another post from ex's friend says her road name and it is the exact same road OH was on the night

Sorry but I call bullshit. Who writes their street name on a POST on Facebook!? Who would be stupid enough to basically put up their address on such a public platform.

Thymeout · 10/12/2017 01:12

Ofred - sure. But there's usually a trail of phone calls, emails, suspicious behaviour. I'd at least want to hear the ex's story. If there is one.

Offred · 10/12/2017 01:14

You mean things like his location showing at his ex’s house on a night he went AWOL accompanied by Facebook calls to said ex on the same night? Hmm

Original poster
namechange886 · 10/12/2017 01:39

@fizzthecat1 her whole Facebook is public and she had posted on a local discussion page that her cat had gone missing when she moved down the new road. New roads name was mentioned which is how I saw it. A simple search of her name bought up the post on the shared page we were both members of.

OP posts:
ChickenMom · 10/12/2017 05:50

Is he still seeing her? That’s the first thing to work out. He needs to be honest with you and tell you what happened. Why don’t you say you’re going to go see the ex and ask her exactly what happened unless he tells you right now. Call his bluff. He lied so how can you trust he won’t do exactly the same thing the next time he goes out? He can’t be trusted and that’s a horrible and stressful way to live. I’d suggest seeking counselling to help. It took a friend of mine 6 months of counselling before her DH admitted what he had done but they did work through it and are still together. Worth a try and in the meantime get all your financial/practical ducks in a row for a possible split. Also, don’t let him near you sexually until he’s had a STD check and make sure you see the proof of clear results! My friends husband cheated and she only found out because nasty things started happening to his privates - keep yourself safe!

ppandj · 10/12/2017 08:25

OP I am really sorry you're going through this. Don't make any decisions yet, you need to get some answers from him. You will need to have a calm, rational and painfully honest discussion and find out the extent of what he has done, see how he behaves about it and what he says. You'll be able to tell if he is remorseful.

Infidelity support thread for the betrayed party
http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3015947-infidelity-support-thread-for-the-betrayed-party
That is a link to another thread that I am on and many others are, if you want to read it or post on it then you won't be alone.

I am so sorry that this happened to you. Thanks

Thymeout · 10/12/2017 11:38

Ofred - yes, but we don't know what happened there. It's been 5 yrs. Any sign of him or her still being interested in each other? Any follow-up calls? Does she have a boyfriend? I've been cheated on, but I've also had a uni friend, ring up drunk from a train needing a bed for the night. And nothing whatever happened, except me being pissed off at having to listen to a lot of drunken twaddle.

Offred · 10/12/2017 13:48

It’s not a train ride away, it’s the town over from theirs... why would he need somewhere to crash? If he was just drunk and needing somewhere to crash why would he choose his ex rather than the friends he was out with? Presumably it was more effort to go to hers than to go home if it is a town away...

Greedynan · 10/12/2017 14:06

Oh he cheated. The not being able to remember is just bullshit.

Tell him you know he cheated and ask what he is going to do to make things right.

Sorry you're going through this so soon after having a baby xx

AuntieStella · 10/12/2017 14:15

He either cheated or came very close to cheating - doesn't really matter which, because both those scenarios are compounded by his lies in an attempt to cover up.

You don't have to make big decisions immediately - when you may well be in a state of something akin to shock.

But you can start thinking about your options. You do not want to become financially dependent on this man, so start planning your return to work. Even small steps that ensure you have choices are good.

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