Mixed-up about weather or not to meet the kids

[LeslieBlue]

Been together almost 3 years. I have only met his daughter once. He has 3 boys. Ages 15, 13, and 7. At the beginning he asked me if I wanted to meet his boys. I said no the relationship was still too fresh (less than 6 months). Now 3 years later, I have mixed feelings about the whole thing. His oldest has checked me out on Facebook and his ex wife has requested to meet with me over the past few years. My boyfriend told her no that it's not appropriate that all she needs to know is that I am a good lady. My boyfriend has expressed that his kids would not understand and would like to keep things the way they are. He has met both my boys many times. My boyfriend says that it's not the same because my boys are 27 and 20 years old. I smelt double standard here and called him out on it, only to be met with him treating me like some sort of dirty little secret! Requesting that I leave because his 7 year old was with him and he didn't want to have to explain who I was. That the time wasn't right. Thinking that after 3 years of being together everyday that it's time to meet his kids or because of their ages maybe it's not a good idea? Or maybe it is time to meet his ex wife first? I have been a Mom with the roles reversed were my ex husband married the woman right away and divorced her after 5 years and the effects of it on my own boys were negative. One reason why over the past 3 years when ever my boyfriend would ask me to marry him, I said no. I realize that I am not in the same situation as my ex husband and I have not gone off and gotten married right away. Is 3 years long enough to be with someone, am I just being pushy now or should I just leave it because his children are young? Such mixed feelings about all of this.

You are not being pushy at all. I can’t beleive he hasn’t let you meet his kids yet he has asked you to marry him? Surely if he wants to share his life with you the kids should be a part of that as they are a big part of his life?

How does he expect you to be able to marry him when you don't know ow his dc? How would a marriage work? Would you have to leave the house /hide in the loft while they visited?

Yes, he’s giving you very mixed messages. This is usually a sign that someone is a fair weather friend.

I don’t think you should meet his kids with all that weirdness.

What’s the relationship actually like?

He has a massive aspect of his life to which you are blind. And he has asked you to marry him

Sometimes Mumsnet still surprises me.

Very rarely do I say that something is black and white, but in this instance it is. Even his ex wanted to meet you (presumably to check you out because her children would be spending considerable time in your company).

3 years? You should have met them and be part of their lives by now. You can't marry someone who has kids while not knowing their kids.

I agree with all of you when you say "and he wants to marry you!?" Exactly, one of the reasons why I have a number of times said flat out "NO! " was the fact that I haven't met his children. I thought that I was being too pushy until yesterday when he said that his 7 year old was in the car with him and when I said "Should I leave?" He says "No" then his next words were "Sorry baby" I got into my car and texted him "I'm leaving text me when you get it all figured out". This has left me out of sorts and feeling like I am not good enough to meet his kids! I am frustrated and not sure how to go about how important it is for his children to see their Dad happy.

Besides this our relationship is very good. Just this.

So yesterday he invited you to meet his 7yr old but you refused?

No yesterday, he had not banked that I was coming to surprise him at work and His quick "Sorry baby" tone was him asking me to leave. I was so upset with him for speaking to me in that fashion, that I texted him that I was leaving. Trust me, I thought about staying before and realizing that his 7 year old son doesn't need to see me frazzled. But after reading all your comments, I am very inclined to, the next time the opportunity arises. I will be all smiles and cherry pie. What ever way this turns out will be.

Could it be that he doesn't want to introduce you until he is certain you are permanent in his life, until you've said yes to getting married? It's a bit 'chicken and egg' of course because you can't make such a commitment until you've met his children. Either way, three years is a long time and you are well within your rights to issue an ultimatum.

I do think there's a difference in approach between your dc and his though, and I don't think you were right to call it double standards, if yours are adults in their 20s and his are very young (the youngest only four when you met).

Mmmm bit of a tricky one to be honest, much respect for your dp he’s putting his kids first in my eyes that’s a good thing.
Why doesnt your dp want you to meet his ex wife? Mmmmm bit suspicious I’d say. What’s he trying to hide and what inappropriate about it? Surely that would be the next step and very sensible to meet with her with a view to the children being next? Makes you wonder what he’s been telling his ex about you? And what he’s been telling you about his ex?
Deffonatky seens like a case of trying to keep you all apart for a reason!
I also agree you can’t compare adult children to teenagers and a very small one. Very different scinario.