Recovering from abuse

[Farontothemaddingcrowd]

Can anyone recommend a good book or self help strategies for me? I'm recovering from a horribly emotionally abusive relationship and a year on I'm just beginning to process what happened and recognise it for what it was. I think a book might help me work through things on my own.

Will watch with interest re suggestions.

I found group therapy re abuse really helpful. Surprising really because I thought I would find it a ball ache.

Also the stuff about making sure you take care of yourself, giving yourself gifts (small or big, symbolic or just things you want).

I also have a whiteboard of phrases that I read (pictures) and I write down insightful stuff I read on here and on websites in my notes section on my phone.

My dd added ‘no willies’

Counselling is a good place to start if you have the time or money. I have two books that I have found useful to understanding why I find myself caught up with certain types:

Codependent No More by Melody Beattie. A bit American and mentions god alot but useful to understanding different codependent relationships.
Where to Draw the Line: How to set healthy boundaries By Anne Katherine - Lots of examples of boundaries being crossed and how to make them firmer. I have found that my boundaries in all areas of my life are weak and am practicing putting them in place as it installs confidence.

I always find the Baggage Reclaim website has something useful to say about most things.

I went out with a crazy man 12 years ago who was smitten with my company on one hand and then threatening and undermining on the other. Even after he split with me and was seeing someone else, he'd phone me up and call me a c**t if I didn't answer the phone.

I hope you find the right things to help you on a path of recovery.

Thank you. I love the list offred and I have something similar on a piece of paper stuck to my fridge.
Thanks for the recommendations biddylee. I will try the book route as counselling is a time pressure and expense at the moment.
My ex would systematically chip away at my self esteem. He criticised my house, parenting, cooking, driving, the area I lived in, the way I walked, my lack of organisation. He compared me to other women. He refused to let me hold his hand until I ended up crying in public. Later, he said he didn't realise I was upset.
I used to crave attention from him when he stonewalled me and I remember cuddling his turned back in bed to have him tell me to stop mauling him. He would laugh at me at times, as if I was ridiculous.
It ended up with him dating other women with my permission, so that he could tell me all about it. It was my idea. I was desperate to do anything to keep him.
I hate him and I'm struggling to let go of the hate. I finally walked away at the end of December last year, but I think about him and what he did, daily.

No willies is excellent advice offred 😂

Far he sounds horrible. I'm really sorry that he put you through such shit.

The problem with being treated badly is it can be really hard to actually talk about. I don't know what came over me 12 years ago to accept a horrible guy as being alright (or misunderstood). I always thought he might kill me. But for some reason, that didn't put me off him. I don't remember the ins and outs of things as it's so long ago but I do remember not being able to talk about everything.

For some reasons there has been echoes of his behaviour with the two guys I dated this year. Again there are things I haven't talked about to anyone. I have felt huge waves of hatred to the first guy I was dating this year (mr functioning alcoholic) but I do wonder how much this is really anger at myself for letting crap happen. (although it's not really that simple). Forgiveness is challenging.

I don’t forgive. I don’t think forgiving is helpful for certain types of people (like me).

Forgiving is not my challenge really, my challenge is learning not to be so forgiving if anything I think.

I know it sounds a bit woo and hippyish (‘no willies’ DD is disgusted with how I am such a hippy!) but I have a baseline which is accepting, validating, understanding, loving, compassionate and caring for all people (some on MN would spit their coffee out at this I’m sure).

I have a really difficult time not loving people. Probably a reaction to being unloved and abused. I really need to make a conscious effort to not forgive...

off You said you don't think forgiveness is helpful for you? Not sure what you meant. I am totally into the idea of treating people with kindness and compassion and understanding but with my wobbly boundaries it's easy for me to get walked over.

Far I was just looking at the Freedom programme. Maybe that would be some help for you?

I mean that forgiving people for harming me just means I don’t protect myself biddy. Plus it isn’t necessary because I’m not a vengeful or bitter person anyway.

Some people are helped by forgiveness I think if they have various types of rageful impotence (bitterness, vengefulness etc) and I am so far the other way (not a stealth boast at all I actually think I am deeply pathological but in a different way) that it is more helpful for me personally to think in terms of ‘no actually I am a person who deserves much better than that and what you have done doesn’t deserve my forgiveness’.

My response to myself being harmed is to automatically be compassionate and fair and try to resolve things productively. I think I a. Need to learn that it is ok to not always be compassionate and fair or take on the responsibility for fixing things for everyone and making them ok again and b. Learn that it is fine to connect with my feelings of hurt instead.

Because what happens if you are the victim of some harm and you respond as I do, is that other people respond with an aggressive emotional defence of themselves and the result is that you end up advocating for them and they end up advocating for them... who advocates for me in that vacuum? No-one

That makes sense to me offred. I don't think I can view my abuser with compassion, so forgiveness for me might mean I felt neutral towards him. Which would be progress. I can't forgive at the moment because I doubt he's sorry and I doubt he recognises what he's done.

Off thank you for explaining. That makes sense.

Maybe I struggle with forgiveness , in the same way as Far because I know that the other person isn't sorry - and they will have rewritten their narrative of events to suit the way they view themselves.

I really love your list Offred and especially your daughter's comment :-) I can imagine mine would do similar!

I have a book in my desk drawer at work called "It's my life now : starting over after an abusive relationship or domestic violence" but I haven't gotten very far as I've been very busy sorting out trying to get my husband to understand we are splitting up and preparing for divorce, so I can't weigh in on it yet. It too is very American unfortunately (as am I :-))

The most helpful book so far for me (beside Bancroft) has been "Stop caretaking the borderline or narcissist : how to end the drama and get on with life." This one just happens to have really struck the right note for me in terms of giving me clarity about the dynamics of my relationship. But as we're still in the early stages of separation it might not be as relevant to you (plus obviously it has a particular slant WRT the abusive partner being BP or NPD).

Looking forward to hearing other recommendations, it's taken me years to get the insight and courage to break apart from H and I know it will take some doing to recover!

Cousin - the book about caretaking NPD/BPD people sounds like it was written for me! I recently had a revelation that every single relationship I have ever had has been with people who were later diagnosed BPD or who have strong BPD traits. They were all different people and the traits might have been expressed differently but nevertheless BPD! I have wondered if it is because BPD people really appear as though they are hurt children and I am really attracted to make things better for them (as though they are hurt children) rather than healing my hurt from childhood.

it is a really good one. I feel like the author hits a good point between not victim-blaming us for being "codependent" but pointing out that we can make choices about not "caretaking" the BPD/NPD. I have found her approach very bracing and sensible and I love love love this book. Happy to lend it if you PM me your address :-)

Yes, I find I am finally realizing that I am too ready to feel compassion and nonjudgmental acceptance to certain people which would be fine if I could stop at that, but proceeding to partner up with those people is really NOT a good idea!

I also have a book called "Loving someone with Borderline personality disorder" which has some useful insights but by the time I read it I really didn't want any tips on how to keep loving someone with BPD, I just wanted to get away! Still has some useful stuff that helped me understand the dynamics of the relationship more.

I just read a bit of the kindle edition.

I did the caretaker test and got ‘protesting colluder’ which perfectly expresses what I feel I have been doing...

Also this^ describes my childhood perfectly!

This is giving me a language to describe my life TBH. I’ve always struggled to work out what my mother is. She’s the daughter of a narc, has many cluster b traits herself but is also married to a man with very many BPD traits...

Bookmarking place, this is an interesting thread and something I can relate to.

OP - so sorry for all you went through. He is a complete fucking bastard that has made my blood boil just reading about him. Thank god you had the strength to leave.

Offred - what is this test you did?

In the book cousin suggested. I’ve been reading it since. It is proving enormously helpful for me!

Ah, this one - "Stop caretaking the borderline or narcissist : how to end the drama and get on with life."

Thank you. I will be purchasing. Although I am hopeful that I have ended the drama and getting on with life (although its hard when you have DC with a narc). Could be useful literature - defo one for the bedside table.

[santa]

User what did that message mean? This has been an extremely traumatic moment in my life and I don't want flippant emojis as a response to it.