Single parent & boyfriend routine

[Tufftyfluff]

Hi everyone. Looking for some advice, perhaps from fellow single parents who’ve introduced their SO to their children? Introduced DD (nearly 8) to my bf...all gone really well so far so really made up. What I’m really struggling with is changing my routine after being single for so many years. I’ve been so used to just the two of us going out and doing things. He’s been popping over about twice a week. Will sleepover one night and leave the next morning. Sometimes we’ll all go out one day on the weekend. I try to have a least a few child free nights us but I’ll have to pick up my daughter next morning so we go our separate ways again. How do I get us more involved while living apart? What are your routines? I have no friends in a similar situation to compare!

How long have you been with the bf and does he also have children? I would be careful not to change your routine too much too quickly.

We've been together about 8 months. He has no children himself. Think I'm finding it a bit difficult because my daughter is with me almost 100% of the time apart from the times she goes to her grandparents. This is very new territory for me.

Do you need to be ‘more involved’? sounds great to me!

I’ve been with my bf almost 2years. Single parent for 5. We both have kids (so a bit different).

I have accepted that it’s a very different world with kids. Our lives are by necessity compartmentalised. Few days together then a gap then a week apart then a day together. Tiring. But it is how it is. Will continue like this for at least 3 more years while kids (teens) are still dependent.

This is the world of relationships with kids as I see it. Others may disagree!

I agree that you shouldn’t change your routine too much to accommodate a boyfriend of 8 months.

Once you’ve seen whether it has sticking power is the point where you start evaluating shifting things to be more involved IMO.

At 8 months you won’t know him well enough to know whether he’s worth disturbing your routine for.

That might sound unromantic to someone in the honeymoon stage of a new relationship but it’s sensible. Changing your life to accommodate someone can create a false sense of closeness and lead to blindness to faults and the sunk costs fallacy once if it goes wrong.

I've been with my now DH for 5.5 years. My Dc are now 14 and 12 and met him when I'd been going out with him about 6 months, when they were 8 and 7. He didn't sleep over when they were here for another 6 or 8 months after that. He'd spend some time with us during the day but mostly things were compartmentalised and gradually changed until we moved in together when we'd been going out nearly 3 years.

The difference for me was that their dad lives nearby and they are with him every other weekend and a night or so during the week so I was able to compartmentalise things. I'd say though that you don't need to really get things much more involved than they are now - just play things by ear.

Thanks everyone. You're right I am in the honeymoon phase still and still getting to really know him. I was just wondering how to go about spending more time with him but think I will just leave things as they are for the time being. It's just that part of me that wants to spend more time together and feeling like he's just popping round mine to see us and then back to normal routine for both of when he leaves was concerning me.

I would be more concerned if you didn't go back to normal tbh and agree with a pp that when you have kids dating is different and more compartmentalised, by necessity. It sounds like he appreciates that you have to prioritise your dd which is a good thing and bodes well.

When I've dated people I make it clear that I can't do the spending every day together thing that I did before I became a parent, and the good guys accept this. I don't have acres of free time and I can't have someone else sleeping in my kids' house. It makes you inventive re finding the time though, which can be fun! (If exhausting.)

And actually I think "involvement" looks different when you have kids as well. I don't actually want someone to physically share every aspect of my life any more because that would involve my kids having to open themselves up to someone else as well and I don't think that's fair. What is more important to me is emotional support and fidelity. I see men I date when I can. Usually if they have kids themselves they'll be of a similar mindset and if they're not, well they're free to bail.