Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

Original poster

Bad online dating experience

21 replies

poppyinbloom · 09/12/2017 16:17

Just had a month of my time wasted talking to someone from OkCupid. We only texted and chatted and never actually had a date. He still lives with his parents at 29 and has never moved out - ever. He told me he has "experimented" with a guy but is more interested in women. I was not comfortable with this, but otherwise I liked him and I tried to remain open minded.

Yesterday he told me that our original spark has faded (haha, I don't know what he's talking about as I've never met him in person so I never felt a spark) and he said "You make me heated and frustrated and that's just who you are. I can't change you, so that's fine, that's you!" I was insulted by this. Who I am makes him frustrated and heated? I also don't know what he's referring to. It was just chat. But it was a long, drawn out chat that took up a lot of my time.

I feel upset, I even cried a bit because I feel like I was just strung along. I knew going in that I didn't want to waste a lot of time texting with someone before actually meeting, but I let it happen anyway and that was stupid of me. I feel so upset and angry with myself, but also hurt by what he said. It kind of makes me feel like I'm just no good.

OP posts:

Loloseagreen · 09/12/2017 16:31

Online dating is brutal, it not you its him. Dont pay attention to what anyone says until you meet them. Online dating is very time consuming but you just need to accept this and not get too involved. You'll meet someone nice eventually.

Original poster

poppyinbloom · 09/12/2017 16:34

Thank you, Loloseagreen. Yes, it is brutal... his messages back and forth were so time consuming and I guess I feel mad at myself that I took the bait and kept replying for so long. I think a month is too much. Unfortunately I'm starting to think that the paid dating sites have members who are more serious about meeting someone and making a connection than the free ones. Maybe that's just my experience though. This guy wasted way too much of my time and I let it happen. I'm willing to put in some time, but I don't want to put in that much time next time before actually meeting.

OP posts:

JesusTapdancingChrist · 09/12/2017 16:35

You've made a rookie online dating error. Stop wasting your time chatting to people at length online. It's not real, builds up a false sense of who someone is and is ultimately setting yourself up for disappointment.

If you get a message from someone who looks promising, arrange to meet them for a coffee/drink asap. Real life meeting is the only way to establish if there's anything there worth pursuing.

Don't get overinvested.

Don't date guys who live with their parents.

Don't date bi people if you don't want to.

Original poster

poppyinbloom · 09/12/2017 17:04

I agree, Jesus. I shouldn't have put so much time into that guy... it pisses me off in hindsight now. If the guy insists on continuing talking, do you just cut it off and stop replying to them? That's what this guy did because at one point I gently asked about meeting up and when this was going to actually happen.

OP posts:

Mirrormirrorotw · 09/12/2017 17:13

If I go more than a week of talking with no firm plans to meet up I move on.

WhatALoadOfOldBollocks · 09/12/2017 17:56

Totally agree with Jesus.

If the guy insists on continuing talking, do you just cut it off and stop replying to them?
Yes you do. There are way too many people OLD who are there just to chat. My rule is exchange a few good emails over a couple of days and decide if there's enough there to warrant a meet. If there isn't stop messaging. If there is, arange a date ASAP. If they stall, stop talking to them. You have to be really strict as it's too easy to get sucked in to an artificial online "relationship" that takes up lots of your time and is ultimately a fantasy. I say this from bitter experience.

NotTheFordType · 09/12/2017 18:08

@JesusTapdancingChrist - you have the best username ever!

OP - after 4-5 messages you send "I don't really like sending messages back and forth so just give me a call if you want to arrange a date." You can then have a nice chat on the phone where they can't spend hours composing the perfect response, and you'll know if you want to meet them and can suggest a good venue.

There are an absolute multitude of - primarily - men who sign up to OLD while they still have a partner and are just looking for an ego stroke.

ThisLittleKitty · 09/12/2017 18:23

I'm surprised by these comments as I actually thought it wasnt a good idea to meet a stranger off the internet too quickly and instead talking online and getting to know eachother first for abit was better?

Twickerhun · 09/12/2017 18:28

I talked online with DH for a month or more before meeting him and it really helped or relationship. Much better than the losers who I met quickly and realised that they were never going to be for me.

WhatALoadOfOldBollocks · 09/12/2017 19:51

The problem with prolonged chatting ThisLittleKitty is that it can create a false sense of intimacy, yet it's impossible to tell whether there's chemistry unless you actually meet. So the danger is you chat for weeks, think the man is fantastic, and when you finally meet you just don't fancy him. People come across differently in different media; email/text Vs speaking on the phone Vs meeting in the flesh, so unless you want a pen pal the only way to tell if they're a suitable match is to meet them.

debbs77 · 09/12/2017 20:36

I find that talking too long actually makes the initial spark go away and turns things from potential romance to friends

MyBrilliantDisguise · 09/12/2017 20:38

There has to be a reason not to meet. If this guy was 29 and living at home why couldn't he meet sooner?

Pebbles1989 · 09/12/2017 20:38

I agree re. meeting them quickly. Failing that, at least talk on the phone ASAP. Unfortunately, the paid sites aren’t much better in my experience...

Sn0tnose · 09/12/2017 20:52

I'm surprised by these comments as I actually thought it wasnt a good idea to meet a stranger off the internet too quickly and instead talking online and getting to know eachother first for abit was better? I'd definitely want to meet them sooner rather than later. If someone is a creepy weirdo, I think it would be easier to hide that from behind a keyboard than it would be in person. You just need to make sure you take all the normal precautions and meet them in a public place etc.

Poppy old is full of weirdos, sleaze bags, time wasters and married men. Chalk this up to experience and move onwards and upwards. It definitely can work - I met my very lovely DH on line and made a friendship that has lasted 8 years. But I also met several men who I'd have been much happier not knowing of their existence. Don't take anything personally and remember that it's not you, it's them!

Ellisandra · 09/12/2017 21:00

You know that standard MN Admin post, about not offering than you can afford to give?

Your post made me think about that.

You need to apply that approach to OLD. He does sound like an idiot... but he's got every right to take it slow before meeting, and to change his mind.

So - as you talk to people online, always keep in mind "if this doesn't turn into a date, will I be upset that I bothered?"

I only ever kept talking to people for as long as I was enjoying the talking. And was happy to invest what time/effort I was investing.

I like OLD - I met several interesting guys amongst fending off wankers, and got a husband out of it too. But I never carried on talking beyond my interest level.

Don't let it put you off, and don't invest so much time.

Better luck next time! You need the hide of a rhino

BitOutOfPractice · 10/12/2017 04:02

First thing I learned about OLD is not the spend weeks and weeks chatting. Meet up ASAP. That way you've not invested weeks chatting, building up expectations, only to meet and find there's no interest. Waste of everyone's time.

BitOutOfPractice · 10/12/2017 04:02

TheStoic · 10/12/2017 05:13

Men on OLD who don’t want to meet fairly early on usually have a reason for that. It’s rarely a good sign.

hellsbellsmelons · 10/12/2017 05:29

You live and learn.
Keep all messages light and breezy and arrange a meet up within 1st week.

ohpleasewhatnow · 10/12/2017 06:53

I know it's hard but don't take it personally. Like others have said, lots of men (not all) use online dating for ego boosts when not actually single and an attempt for an easy casual relationship.

From experience I think it is important to exchange limited emails and meet reasonably quickly once you have established whether you are interested in meeting up as:

(1) you'll know within minutes of meeting someone whether there is any spark or not.

(2) someone can be witty / outgoing /whatever your looking for on email but actually be very different to the image you build up which can be disappointing. Meeting quickly nips this in the bud.

(3) stops you from building an image of someone up in your mind that ends up very different when you meet.

By the way when I say meet up, even a coffee at lunchtime in a cafe or a quick drink after work can be a good idea as that way you do not have to sit through a dinner / entire evening with someone you know deep down you're not interested in.

In my experience. Don't limit yourself to talking to one person online at a time, I would bet that most other people are talking to a number of people. It is email, not an actual relationship. In my opinion there is nothing wrong with this. I wish someone had told me that when I first tried online dating many years ago.

Unfortunately it is a numbers game. There are SO many frogs out there that you need to be thick skinned and remember your worth. Don't ignore any red flags/things that make you uncomfortable or irritate you. Listen to your instincts.

It can work out - I met my now husband 10 years ago online.

Original poster

poppyinbloom · 10/12/2017 11:41

Thanks for the replies, ladies! It's definitely uplifting to know that some of you met your husbands from OLD.

I definitely won't be making the same mistake again. There are just so many time wasters out there. I agree that chatting back and forth for weeks creates that false sense of intimacy. If I were to meet someone after weeks of chatting and they weren't like the image I created in my mind, well, that would make for an awkward date right there! I also can't stand the idea of letting someone know a lot about me and my life/background and then meeting them and knowing that I'm not interested in them at all. What a waste.

OP posts:

Flip