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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Should I stay or should I go? Advice needed!

2 replies

mammahill · 09/12/2017 15:51

I don’t even know where to begin or how I’ve found myself writing on here but I think that I’m asking total strangers for advice says a lot in itself.

Me and my partner have had a struggling relationship since having my little girl, but my little girl is 7 months old now and surely things should be getting better by now?

I’m a 23 year old who has put her life into one man, I have moved 30 miles away from my family to live near his and I have also invested £15,000 of my inheritance into a house over here. Stupidity or love? I’m starting to doubt my decision.

The cherry on top of the cake was yesterday. I’ve not been well the past couple of days and finally got the last little bit of energy in me and dragged myself to the doctors. I was diagnosed with mild pneumonia. I was prescribed a course of strong antibiotics, an inhaler and I wasn’t allowed to be around my daughter for 24-48 hours. My lovely mother in law stepped in and looked after my little girl, I don’t even think if I was allowed to have my daughter I could, I was that weak I couldn’t even make it to the toilet for a wee. So this is the part I can’t get my head around my OT still decided to go ahead with his night out rather than a) look after his little girl or b) look after me. I didn’t say anything to him because I just didn’t have the energy but I was so upset. He stayed at his mums so he could get up with our daughter and look after her the next day but low and behold he got up gave her a bottle then went back to bed because he didn’t get a good night sleep aka “hungover”. Not one point did he think to come and check on me and make sure I was okay. This man is supposed to be my forever. This man is the person I’m supposed to marry in the future.

As mentioned before this is just the cherry on top of the cake, I’ve already previously had to deal with him messaging another girl, coming in at midnight when he said he would be in at 5pm, he goes to play pool every Tuesday night and football every Sunday morning/afternoon on top of a weekly night out and the list goes on and on.

What do I do? Am I being over sensitive? Should I let it go? I have threatened to leave so many times before and his response now is “you’ll be back in a couple days”.

He blames my postnatal depression on everything but I’m on tablets and really feel like my postnatal depression is under control, whenever we have an arguement he always blames my depression as though I’m not allowed to have feelings and he also calls me a “nutter” or “psycho” on numerous occasions.

So the question is should I stay or should I go?!

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 09/12/2017 16:12

Its not you, its him. And no you are not being over sensitive at all.

What do you get out of this relationship now, what is in this for you exactly?. Why are you and he together at all now?. He does not value you at all and is taking you for a mug.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up; how is it that you are with this individual at all?. Your relationship was likely not all that marvellous either even before your DD was born.

I think you should leave actually and this time mean it properly rather than just saying it repeatedly and not following through. He calling another girl is also a red flag and calling you a nutter amongst other things is abuse on an emotional level. Its all designed to put you down.

Would you want your DD as an adult to have a relationship like this, no you would not. So stop doing your bit here to show her that currently at least, this is acceptable to you. I would also suggest you enrol on the Freedom Programme run by Womens Aid as men like you describe do great harm to boundaries as well as taking an awful long time to recover from.

loveablether · 09/12/2017 16:13

The early months with a newborn is wonderful but also total shit - chuck in a disrespectful partner and post natal depression and you’ve got yourself a ‘I’m going to be single by the time baby’s 1st birthday comes.

Me and Every single one of my friends admit that they too have had this thought. Some men take longer than others to settle into the parent role, trying to do keep up with friends etc...however - calling you names is not on. Is he the kind of guy you could sit down with and have a calm chat about the various ways that he’s pissing you off??

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