Coming to terms with end of 15 year marriage

[TarquinsMama]

My head's spinning with confusion at the moment. Ended my 15 year marriage in January (it had been dead for years, all exacerbated by his alcoholism) and I don't think I've dealt with it at all. I know I've made the right decision, but I suddenly feel really lost and the uncertainty about what the future holds has hit me hard over the last few weeks. I lost my sister a month after splitting with my XH, and I've almost been on autopilot ever since, and not dealt with the fallout of either loss really - been too busy trying to support the DC through the breakup and coping with adjusting to single parenthood.

I feel drained, sad, lonely and scared and don't know where to start with any of this. Thought I was doing absolutely fine until recently, but now I keep crying and feeling completely hopeless.

Does anyone have any advice? Been through similar? How did you cope? Any books/websites which have helped? Thanks wise MN-ers

I wanted to reply as I saw no one had. I’m so sorry you’ve been through such an awful time. I’m afraid I don’t have much advice but could you afford some professional help? A counsellor, so you can talk some of these things through?
Wishing you well.

The time of year has probably triggered lots of horrible feeling etc... I don't have any advice but have you spoken to your GP, perhaps they can send you to a counsellor or similar to perhaps talk things through, help you cope and come to terms with every thing.

I'm sorry you are feeling like this. It's totally understandable as its not been very long and you have had some enormous issues to deal with but it will get better. You need to self care and give yourself time to recover.

You're probably grieving - just delayed because of coping with the fallout of your break up. It's quite normal to grieve the end of a relationship even when you chose to end it because it's also the end of dreams of a future you envisaged.
Be kind yourself and take your time- we aren't meant to be happy all the time. We are supposed to grieve - it's healthy and a necessary part of recovery. It will pass although there will probably always be a sense of sadness that things didn't work out in the way you had hoped but you learn to absorb those feelings and to sit comfortably with them.
The uncertainty about the future is also quite normal - I felt like this too when my marriage broke up. I'm remarried now but the feeling still comes and goes but overall it does get better.

I think you're grieving. It's really important to allow yourself to do it, but you do not have to do it alone. I would strongly recommend that you find an Al-Anon support group - you will be able to talk to people who have been where you are now, or are still going through it. I am in the process of divorcing my alcoholic H and I have two DDs - we go to the group together, the three of us, and it is a lifeline. It's a natural instinct to set your own needs and feelings aside because your DC need you, but at some point you need to start looking after yourself and finding your own recovery. It sounds as if that point has come for you. Please seek support and do not do it alone. PM me if you like.

I'm so sorry to hear that you lost your sister at such a difficult time. Cruse Bereavement Care are really good with helping in these situations

This book is brilliant for dealing with the end of your marriage, it's been like a friend guiding me through (14 years married, split last December)

Thank you all so much for replies. I think you're right that I'm grieving - the split followed so soon by the loss of my sister have taken so long to sink in, now that I'm starting to process it all I feel like my foundations have just vanished and I'm wobbling like mad. Usually I'm a coper but recently I can't hold the tears back. Probably I shouldn't try to - tears can be healing, in a way. It's like this huge chasm has opened under me, wish I could hibernate for a while - bloody Christmas Will look into counselling. Plan to chat to my parents later on the phone, I know they're struggling too with losing DSis, I just wish they lived nearer, we're on opposite sides of the country