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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Should we get married or not?

24 replies

NordicNobody · 09/12/2017 11:24

OK, I know this is going to sound like the most unromantic thread on the planet so let me just say that I love my DP very very much and have no expectation of us splitting up. But then nobody ever thinks they're going to break up, right?

Basically I'm currently a SAHM to our (adored but unplanned) 14 month old. My earning potential is currently pretty low (think teaching assistant) and for various reasons I probably won't have an opportunity to change this for the next few years. Obviously I realise that this leaves me very financially vulnerable if we split, doubly so if we have another child (which we'd like to). On the other hand I have vastly more in the way of assets than my DP. I own a property outright which is currently let for a reasonable amount, and I recently received a very large inheritance which is in a saving account in my name.

Like I said, I love my DP and want to spend my life with him but I know that things can change and the unexpected happens. So do you think that in my situation (no current earning potential but lots of savings/ assets) I would be better or worse off in the event of a split if we were married. Not romantic I know, but trying to think practically.

OP posts:

Offred · 09/12/2017 11:29

I don’t think it sounds as if you need the protection of marriage TBH so leave things as they are.

Contrary to many people’s ideas about marriage just being married can potentially put a strain on a relationship to the point that you break up. If things are working now as they are and you don’t need the protection because you have assets then I don’t think marriage is a good idea.

Offred · 09/12/2017 11:30

If at some point you feel you want to share your assets with dp then marry. But if you aren’t there then don’t.

TheNaze73 · 09/12/2017 16:08

I think anyone in your position would be batshit, to get married.

You never know what’s around the corner

Twelvety · 09/12/2017 16:12

Do you own or rent the property you currently live in?

I think it probably sounds like you best off as you are.

PsychedelicSheep · 09/12/2017 16:15

Not.

I own a property (with a mortgage) and have a decent pension. My partner has neither. I would aim nothing by marrying him, my home is for my kids future, not some bloke to get his mitts on!

CR7987 · 09/12/2017 16:16

I personally wouldn't just yet without taking legal advice on assets first. It's not very romantic but that goes out of the window anyway in the divorce courts so makes sense.

PsychedelicSheep · 09/12/2017 16:16

*Gain nothing that should say

Original poster

NordicNobody · 09/12/2017 20:30

Thanks guys, I'm relieved to hear you all saying that! We haven't been together that long - I became pregnant very early in our relationship - and marriage wouldn't even have crossed my mind if I wasn't in a position of not being able to work for a few years. I've read so many threads on here about how unmarried mums need to either get married or go back to work asap and it freaked me out a bit. I do want to spend my life with him but I don't have any emotional investment in marriage and have several tedious family politics related reasons to not want to get married. So I'm happy to hear that I'm not being an idiot and painting myself into a financial corner by staying unmarried.

Twelvety, we rent our current property but are both named on the tenancy agreement.

OP posts:

Offred · 09/12/2017 20:43

Marriage gives a SAHP some protection if they are dependent on their earning partner for financial security.

It’s just that the more common situation is that the women enters the relationship with no assets and then also takes a hit on her current and future earning capacity (and therefore ability to amass assets and security in the future) when becoming a SAHM therefore leaving her currently dependent and without reasonable prospects to achieve security in the future.

It’s not a hard and fast rule that women are always better being married when they have DC by any means.

My DSIS has a good career as a psychiatrist for example, whereas her husband is an actor/nursery nurse/life model. They share care of their son, neither of them is a SAHP but the marriage protects him more than her as her earning capacity is much higher.

Offred · 09/12/2017 20:46

I think too few people really give enough thought to what marriage actually is - a commitment to share wealth with your partner.

Dozer · 09/12/2017 20:49

The advice to marry is for women who don’t have the financial assets you do!

But it’d be financially. sensible to work at least PT.

Original poster

NordicNobody · 10/12/2017 00:17

I would love to work but atm and for the next few years at least we are living abroad in a country where it would be very hard for me to find a job. And the amount I could earn would almost certainly not cover the cost of childcare. If we were in the UK I'd be looking at going back to work or study pretty soon.

OP posts:

Offred · 10/12/2017 00:22

Surely the cost of childcare would be shared between you both?

ferando81 · 10/12/2017 01:18

Agree you shouldn't get married but if it was your partner who had assets they would advise you to get married so you can get what your entitled to .Double standards on here are incredible

Offred · 10/12/2017 01:20

Her partner isn’t taking a hit to his career by being a SAHP. And if you bother to read the thread I said re sharing assets and talked about my sister getting married to protect her lower earning partner

Casmama · 10/12/2017 01:23

The best thing for you is not to marry- you keep your inheritance and in the event of a split, child support would need to be paid by the non resident parent- him most likely.
Fernando, think you are missing the point- it’s not double standards at all- the question is always what is best for the woman and the answer is dependant on circumstances.

Disquieted1 · 10/12/2017 01:51

Financially you may or may not be better off not marrying. No-one really knows. His earnings and pensions may easily outstrip your assets over time.

On a personal note, if this is what marriage is considered nowadays, an economic cost/benefit analysis, then I despair for all of us.

GameChanger01 · 10/12/2017 05:11

Disquieted I agree but in the UK at least I think 1 in 2-3 marriages now end in divorce.

Statistically they do not last so you have to think practically too and majority times it is the woman who ends up in a worse position as she usually takes a backseat careerwise due to child rearing.

DivisionBelle · 10/12/2017 07:47

Not double standards: the OP’s DP is working in a country where she is unable to work, but is presumably there to enable him to do that: by being in that country and by doing all the childcare.

If he was a SAHP there would be concern about his security.

OP, is the whole household running funded by his salary, or do you contribute from your rental income ? In your shoes I would definitely be putting a chunk of that income into a pension. Especially if you are taxed on that pension.

If you are out of the country I presume you are not receiving CB? So are not clocking up years towards your state pension?

AnnieOH1 · 10/12/2017 07:59

Can I strongly recommend you look at obtaining power of attorneyships (both financial but more importantly health and welfare). IIRC it runs around 200 for each one so you would be looking at spending 1,000 with a solicitor. You can avoid a solicitor and do it with the court of protection but a solicitor adds an extra layer of protection that you were of sound mind when you granted them.

Why am I saying this? If the unthinkable happens to one of you, a spouse is usually the first person medics listen to, then parents etc. If you ended up in a situation of not in laws disagreeing with your decisions (happens more often than you think) you would hold the trump card as it were (or vice versa).

Original poster

NordicNobody · 10/12/2017 21:08

Thanks everyone, it's really helpful to read all these points and opinions. I do agree Disquieted that it sounds very calculating, but I've taken a big risk by giving up my life and moving abroad and I just want to feel a bit safer in my choice. I hope our love last forever, but as GameChanger says the stats aren't in my favour. I hope we beat the odds though, I honestly do love him so much.

Division, yes the whole household is run from his salary alone. The money from rent goes into my UK account and we use it to buy anything we need from the UK (i.e. christmas gifts, stocking up on cheap baby clothes as everything is insanely expensive where we live). And no, no CB or pension while we're here.

Annie, very good point about power of attorney. We are going back to the UK soon for Christmas and hoping to get wills made while we're there, so will put that on the pile of legal things to discuss.

OP posts:

Offred · 10/12/2017 21:19

The institution of marriage has always been primarily about money, assets and inheritance disquieted. No-one has said that is all it is about. I simply said that I felt not enough thought is put into the legal/financial aspect of marriage which is really the only part of the marriage which exists outside the private relational/spiritual aspects. By marrying you are agreeing to the state being involved in your financial affairs and in some ways in your relationship, people should consider this part more IMO.

Offred · 10/12/2017 21:20

However I do think you should perhaps take some legal advice in the country you are residing in too.

Original poster

NordicNobody · 10/12/2017 21:47

Our current country has common law marriage for all cohabiting couples with children (including expats). However we'll only be here one more year. DP is in academia and this is his first post doc contract. It's a very niche field so work is hard to come by. He thinks that he will need to do 1 or 2 more 2 year long contracts before he has enough experience for a professorship and it's anyone's guess where they will be. I've agreed to one more foreign contract if he absolutely can't find work in the UK, but I want to be back in the UK after that so our son can start school and I can build a career of my own. I've said if he isn't able to find long term work in the UK by that point then he has to forget academia and look for a new career/ move sideways into industry. He's agreed to this but I still find it very stressful only being able to plan for the future in 2 year increments. I believe that in the long run it'll all even out and he'll support my career the way I've supported his, but obviously if it all goes south before then I don't want to be left in a terrible financial situation. But like I said, I'm relieved that the smartest option seems to be staying as we are because how we are is very happy :)

OP posts:

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