How long did it take you from the "I'm not happy" to actually separating?

[niteandfog]

As someone who is going through divorce, I think I had it pretty easy, one day I just I wanted a divorce and that was it. But I reckon for others it's a lengthy process of starting the conversation, planting the seed and taking it from there. Even probably with a few "trying to save" weeks/months. I know that was my original plan, but at some point I just couldn't take it anymore.

My friend's husband has just left her out of the blue and he says it's been years. He's been unhappy for 10 years.

Ages. Exactly what you describe. Painful and long but prob how I needed it to do it. I don't regret it and it worked out well as the slowness made it very amicable snd got all if us adjusted.

Or so I think. Time will tell I guess.

Years. Thought things might change, exh promising to change etc it wore me down, made my mh worse. If I could turn back time I would have left sooner.

A couple of years of talking about specific issues, him running away or refusing to engage with them. An ultimatum re needing to go to counselling because we can’t communicate and then exactly a year later after I got suicidally depressed I just woke up one day and realised I couldn’t live like this anymore and it didn’t matter what he said or did or tried anymore I just didn’t want to be with him no matter what as too much had happened.

He said he wouldn’t go to counselling btw and by the realisation came a few months after I had gone to stay in a hotel for a night because I just couldn’t cope with him one day.

In hindsight a good few years. About 6 weeks ago realised and ended it. Moved out 2 weeks later, 100% right decision, no looking back

I am going through this now. I’ve told him several times I want to split up, but he just disagrees with me and refuses to engage on the subject and then my resolve falters. Tbh I think I’ve wanted to end it since I was pregnant with my now three-year-Old. I realised then that I had made a huge mistake. I’m at he stage where I’m not trying to fix it anymore and am just resigned to the fact we are not right together. I wish he would agree so we could split amicably, but I’m not sure that going to happen!

schnooschnoo he doesn't have to agree...if you're not happy, you're not happy, you don't need further reason or for him to agree.

Do you have the financial means to leave?

8 years. The only regret I have is not doing it sooner. The longer you leave it, the more things to untangle.

Agree that you don’t have to wait for the other to agree. I did, looking back I don’t understand why I did.

I suppose I was so used to try to keep him happy, it didn’t imagine I could consider my happiness too.

For me it was around 6 years. I kept trying to fix it though as I really never wanted to split up our little family. But one day I realised I couldn't do it all on my own.

Years. I never should have married him but was married to him for eight years. I just had enough this time last year and started realising this was the last Christmas we'd be together, that I wasn't doing this again. Told him in late January/eary February. I feel so much lighter and more hopeful.

How did you all broach the subject? My problem would be not knowing how to say I dont love you any more to someone who is lovely but no longer for me...

Well I've tried with the "you're great, but I'm not happy".. that didn't go anywhere :/ so one day I was brave enough and said I want a divorce, I'm not happy, you're not right for me, there's no coming back.

I fell totally out of love at Easter, attempted to get him to go to marriage guidance. He wouldn't I told him I was unhappy that we needed to talk. That then made me angry, the marriage fell apart rapidly over the next few months as he refused to engage.

I positively enjoyed telling him I didn't love him anymore at Christmas. It came to a head because we were going to have to spend an entire two weeks together.

We seperated officially I saw a divorce lawyer. He then realised we had to talk, we did over three to four months. We agreed to see no one else. It was excruciating. We rebuilt.

@Peanutbuttercheese so is your marriage on now?

Yes we are back together, the main reason we broke was a disagreement regarding his sister. No third party, no money issues or disagreement over raising children or anything monumental like that as seen often in break ups.I'm independent in a way most find hard to understand.

We were together 21 years since I was 17, if I am brutally honest with myself it was never quite right or what I really wanted (he was always quite cold emotionally, but became emotionally abusive). But we had good periods in between and I loved him. I lost respect for him 3 years before I left, when he told me to drop dead of cancer during one of his rages over something stupid. I even stayed 1 year after he called me a cunt in front of the kids, spat in my face and put his hands on me for the first time. I was stupid, but paralysed in fear and disappointment I couldn't make him happy or it work.

We have two amazingly well adjusted kids suprisingly, they are thriving. I finally left in Feb this year. Now I am dealing with anger and sadness for myself for not loving myself enough to leave sooner. But really was 3 years to the day I decided I couldn't be with him forever. Hardest decision I ever made, but the right one.

My first marriage lasted 12 years. The first 5 were ok, the next 7 were hell.
It was when I realised that I'd been desperately unhappy for over half the marriage, that I knew I needed to make that decision, although it til 18 months from that realisation until I was actually in a position to leave.

Three years. Tried to make it work, but it wasn't. Ironically after I ended, he suddenly wanted us to go on a couples retreat