Should I put a stop to this?

[J4DE]

So my DP has a female friend, who he once had a relationship with but now assures me they are only friends. I once met her at the start of our relationship and it was awful I might aswell of been the third wheel so never saw her again after that! They messaged on Facebook maybe once a week and as I could see what they were talking about I didn't have an issue with it (especially as she had a partner at the time), although occasionally had to tell DP that some of the stuff he says can come across as flirting.

After I had our DD this female friend invited DP to her house and said he was welcome to take our DD, to which I said no I don't feel comfortable with that (as she is now single).

I've now noticed they are talking on snapchat instead of Facebook, and they talk every day but only when DP is at work, I can't see what they talk about as snapchat clears the conversation... my mind has been playing havoc... I know I probably have trust issues but I just don't know how to bring it up... it makes me more mad because I know if I were to message another man even one I've never had a relationship with that DP would not like it one bit...

WHAT DO I DO

How do you know they are messaging on snapchat? I think it’s tricky because I’d say you’ve been a bit heavy handed in the past (exerting a bit much control for not enough reason) but I wouldn’t be comfortable with them snap chatting given the propensity for it to be used to hide what is being said.

You can’t just ‘put a stop to it’ though, he’s not a toddler picking his nose. You can only talk to him about it and see from his response what you want to do next.

What do you do? Talk to your husband.

I would flip my lid! Just ask him instead of worrying about it, it's always best to be honest then let things build up.

I have major trust issues so wouldn't be happy with this at all but it could just be nothing.

I think that's my problem I have bad trust issues and there's just something about this situation that isn't sitting right with me... hence why my 10 week old has been asleep since half 11 and I'm still awake at 2am haven't found a good time to bring it up yet but I can feel myself boiling over!

Fine, so talk to him (calmly) about it.

Don’t make an accusation. Just say that these secret conversations are upsetting and worrying you.

Tell him you’d prefer all communication between them to be transparent.

Say that you are concerned that messaging another woman in this way is inappropriate when he’s married.

Point out that he wouldn’t like it in reverse.

You don’t have to have a fight, there doesn’t need to be huge drama.

He just needs to respect you feelings on this.

I think you need to have a frank conversation with them both about how you feel, mainly because I think they will be able to set your mind as ease, or somewhere close. Their having history is one thing, but people are actually capable of moving on. If there is actually anything to be concerned about, I imagine it'll come out when you talk to them both. I'd suggest talking to them in the same room at the same time so you can assess body language and reactions.

I've read FB isn't so popular anymore so the platform (FB vs. Snapchat) might not mean anything, necessarily. If she is just a friend surely you could meet all three (and you'll learn more). Maybe she is nice, then you might find a new friend for yourself, or not - her being horrible or DH being stingy about you meeting her, then at least you know what's going on and can decide what to do. Since you only met her once, you don't know her properly, first impressions and all that.

I think you have trust issues. He's said they are only friends, you have been invited to her house, so has your daughter, its you who feels this is wrong. This is all about you. You have nothing to suggest they are anything other than friends.