Don’t want to have parents at ours on Xmas Day!

[St4rfish]

After some advice as I am feeling guilty about this one, despite what I think is a justified position.

For the past 3 years we have had my parents at ours for Christmas dinner. Before that they went to my brothers (and some years were away on holiday). My parents do not get on with my brother’s wife and she has more or less barred them from going there for dinner (my parents fell out with her parents after an argument on a family holiday and haven’t spoken since).

The issue is complicated by the fact that my mother is an alcoholic. Last Christmas Day was completely ruined by the fact that they turned up nearly two hours late and my mum was absolutely wasted. It totally ruined our day at a time when we are trying to create our own Christmas traditions (our son has just turned 2).

My relationship with them is strained and I have only seen them 3 or 4 times in the past 12 months (they have seen their grandson just once, he doesn’t even know who they are really). They live 45 mins away and don’t drive.

My brother has already told them they can go over to his, see his kids etc between 11am and 2pm on Christmas Day. Then they basically have to leave so he can have his Christmas dinner with his family and his in laws. So I was wanting to probably visit my parents before 11am and then come home and enjoy the rest of the day with just DH, DS and MIL.

This would obviously mean my parents would have Christmas dinner home alone, which I am still feeling guilty about. I feel like my brother has a convenient get-out clause and I have to find a way to explain to them that I don’t want them in my house for dinner on Christmas Day, especially given what happened last year. Am I being a bitch?

No your not being a bitch lol....its your family Christmas.....let your mum get drunk in her own home happy days

Nope. Your bairns still young now but alcoholic relatives are no fun when you’re little and start to take notice. You notice the tension among the adults even if you dont understand why.

I don’t really know how you can approach it though apart from ‘booking’ in another point of the day or Boxing Day. Unless you can tell them straight?

No you aren't being a bitch!

Cite the alcoholism as the reason you don't want them there. You're happy to visit them but you don't want them ruining your day, and your sons day, with rampant alcoholism.

Have you been to al anon?

Alcoholic's daughter here. You need to minimise the times you see her and keep to them. We would travel hundreds of miles but stuck to our 2 hours in the morning - escape by noon and stay in a hotel too far away for a taxi rule.

I could cope, DH was fine but children don't need to see that.

Tell them you will see them for coffee and cake and don't think about it.

They are your dps but you don't owe them your Christmas day!!
Quick explanatory text -
Hi dm, we will pop over Christmas morning before you go to see db, we are having a quiet one this year but will ring you Boxing Day. Love St4rfish.

I think that's totally understandable and I would be fairly honest about it. Just say you don't want ds seeing your mum drunk but happy to pop round in the morning for a couple of hours. It's not as if your parents are on their own. It might be the push your mum needs to seek help.

She is an alcoholic so do not feel guilty about keeping her at arms length ever.

My stepfather was an alcoholic so I get where your coming from. As controversial as it is he died when I was 13 and I really didn't care. He made everyone's lives miserable.

Just say that you can’t have a repeat of last year with the alcohol. And you’ll pop across and see them in the morning xmas day between 10 and 12.30

Thanks for taking the time to read and for the advice. You have made me feel a bit better about it all. Suspect she will offer that we have Xmas dinner at hers when I present this all to her, but will have to just refuse.

She is seeking treatment but on and off and keeps relapsing all the time. She was hospitalised earlier in the year. Didn’t even apologise properly for last Christmas (“well I was drunk so I can’t remember”) and seems to think I should be all supportive and sympathetic about it rather than keeping her at arms length. It will be bad enough having to see her for a few hours!

Your duty, for want of a better word, to your household family outweighs your duty to keep them company at Christmas when they have each other as it is. I would tell them and close your ears to guilt trips!

It's extremely difficult to give up booze but plenty succeed.Bottom line is no one wants an alcoholic over for Xmas.It doesn't mean you can't be supportive in her battle but she needs to know her drinking has consequences.

It's in her interests that you tell her you are choosing to shield your child from her.
It's tough love, but she needs to see and feel the effect her actions have.
Going round before 11 sounds like a good plan. Enjoy the rest of your quiet Vasily day, and don't feel guilty.

Why don’t you invite them over for Christmas breakfast and then they can go off to your brothers at 11am

My dad is an alcoholic and I feel absolutely no guilt whatsoever in only seeing parents for a couple of hours on Xmas day. Stick to your guns, you owe your DH and DC more.

I find it difficult to maintain a relationship with DF, so keep him st arms length. No point pretending to play happy families if there are issues people are failing to take responsibility for

Hi!
I really don't think your being a bitch at all. The thing is, children pick up on things, even when you think they don't. For example, my children when they get in a car say "I'm driving a van. A Eddie Stobart van" as their dad works for Stobart so that's what they've picked up. The last thing you would want is your child coming out with "look I'm drunk like nanny"

Your family needs outweigh anything else. Do what's right for you and don't give it a second thought.

I'd see her on Christmas eve morning and totally avoid going anywhere or hosting anyone at yours on the day. Don't feel guilty!

No you are not being a bitch and I think you need to maintain and further strengthen your own boundaries. I would reconsider whether you want to be turning up at your parents on Christmas day at all to be honest. She has your dad there and they are doing their own codependent dance of a relationship; they both get what they want out of this.

Your child does not need to see drunken granny in his life and you do not really need to see them either.

Address your own obligation and guilt properly here. Would suggest you contact Al-anon if you have not already done so as they can be very helpful to people affected by another person's drinking.

They aren't alone if they are with each other. No guilt to be had here.

I always think that honesty is the best policy and in this instance, sooner rather than later so that you're all clear on your plans for the day.

You really are under no obligation to spend any time with your parents on Christmas day. The hard part is enforcing and believing that.

Fact is, your mother ruined last Christmas. She's probably ruined loads of other times too and will continue to do so as her relationship with alcohol is more important than anything else in her life.

I hope things work out for a stress/drama free day.

BIL was an alcoholic and only came to Christmas dinner with us once, when MIL was in a home. He was pissed when he arrived, barely ate anything, despite loading his plate with food and was so drunk when he left that it was a good thing the taxi driver knew where he lived. XH thought it was all hilarious and plied BIL with drink. I found it totally offensive. I told him that BIL was not coming to ours for Christmas again. We argued. Luckily, it became a moot point, as XH split in the spring and the problem did not arise again.

I think you are quite right to not want your parents there. Just say you will see them in the morning if you want to, but that you are having Christmas at home, just the three of you. Why shouldn't you? It's your day, too. Don't let others spoil it.

The number phrase 'that doesn't work for use will be your best bet. Have dinner on your own at ypur own house qith your oqn damily.

I grew up the daughter of an alcoholic and it was hell on earth. When pregnant with DD I cut contact. There is no way she is even going to see a minute of that madness. It's your job to protect your DC not enable your drunk mother.

I used to dread Christmas so much for similar reasons, but the year I plucked up the courage to say we were spending Christmas Day on our own, I had the best Christmas Day ever and have done ever since.

Do what makes you happy