My mother is determined to move house to my town - HELP

[RemainOptimistic]

So there's a massive back story. I'll try to give a brief summary. DM is a raving narcissist and I've worked very hard to overcome the effects of the physically neglectful and emotionally controlling upbringing she gave me. She is a classic narcissist with no boundaries and no insight into how her behaviour hurts the people around her.

Now DS is on the scene she's obsessed with the idea of moving to the town where we live. Currently she's a 3h drive away. At first DH and I thought this might be good for her as she's getting older, the house she lives in is not double glazed or centrally heated, I have concerns for her health and wellbeing. So her moving to somewhere more modern would be really positive.

However her recent behaviour has been outrageous (again) and I've been ignoring her while I work out what to do. Today she's messaging me about this house which previously she said she didn't want but now apparently is at the offers stage with. We are talking months ago that this house was looked at and discarded. We are talking 2 years worth of me helping her look for houses, spending time talking with her, estate agents, viewings, bank appts etc. I had gone along with this moving house thing because I knew she would never do it, it was all just attention seeking and something to get dramatic about.

If I say to her just fuck off then really that's the end isn't it? The whole pantomime comes to an end.

I don't even know what I'm asking now. I just feel so angry and sad. What can I do?

Block her from contacting you in any way as of now; you are her willing audience and that is all she sees you as. She was not a good parent to you when growing up and she certainly will not be anything near a decent role model of a grandparent to your child either. He certainly does not need to be subjected to her emotional manipulations and neither do you for that matter. Do not waste any more time or emotional energy on the emotional void that is your mother. You need to put mental as well as physical distance between you and she now. She cannot play the game if you do not pick up the rope she holds out to you.

Daughters of Narcissistic mothers is a good website to look at as is Out of the Fog.

Narcassists get off on your humouring them. Just shrug your shoulders and say 'ok' to whatever she does. If she asks your opinion sayvtyat you don't really care/have one. If she asks you to help her/go with her tell her that you are too busy. If she does actually go through with it and move then just sell your own house and move elsewhere-she won't be able to do the same without making a loss. What ever you do, do not confront her. She will lap up the drama and try to stir even more trouble. She will get so much satisfaction out of telling all her friends his horrible and ungrateful you are etc.

You could tell her that even if she does move closer to you you won't be seeing any more of her than you do now. And if she goes off on one when you tell her that, don't go out of your way to reassure her.

Why not say that there is a big possibility that you will be moving with your husbands job so it's best she stays where she is....you could say it would mean you moving abroad...

What Resting said. My mum is exactly the same and I know someone else like her. Ultimately if you wish you can cut contact even if she lives nearby (I did - best thing I've ever done, as well as the most difficult) so keep that as a secret thought/option to strengthen you whilst you act nonchalant.

Or tell her you’re looking at moving too within the next 6 months so if the only reason she’s moving is to be closer to you then she won’t be.

I had gone along with this moving house thing because I knew she would never do it, it was all just attention seeking and something to get dramatic about

You've been feeding the monster! Never do this again - it's how a narc keeps you enmeshed in their toxic influence....

i think you need to get very frank and blunt with her -
She needs to start planning for old age/care requirements etc - don't let her shift this responsibility onto you and don't offer out of F.O.G

Yes she does need to plan for her own old age. She's an adult! Currently she's living off the proceeds of her DM's house sale from 5 years ago and renting. Zero financial sense. Won't listen to any advice from anyone, loves to collect it though!

I don't want to feed the monster. But she's capable of proper crazy shit. Last week she turned up outside our house and sat in her car calling and texting DH who was off work caring for a very poorly DS. That was a direct result of her saying "I'm coming down on x date" and me saying "that's not convenient". I told DH he had a free pass to ignore the phone and not answer the door. She has done this type of thing before and in the past we would have given in and seen her. But this time is different because this time it's about protecting DS.

She just does what she wants and doesn't listen to a word anyone else says. Zero boundaries. No doubt she's telling everyone how awful I am for preventing access to her GS.

I feel like she's crossed a line now by turning up uninvited, us ignoring her, and then messaging me about this house as if it never happened. Like, that is clearly insane behaviour. There is nothing normal or rational about any of that!

I hate that she has forced me to act crazy by not opening the door. I mean there's no one I can explain that to who wouldn't raise an eyebrow and think I'm the one with the problem. Dear old GM wants to see her GS and nasty DD won't let her in. I just want to scream.

Spoke to her last night and she is just chatting away like nothing ever happened. There's just no way out is there? No doubt she's already told my brother what a crazy bitch I am and how hurt she is by my behaviour. No doubt he's going to lay into me next time we see each other.

I just want her to fuck off!