intense friendship or emotional affair

[oldfool3]

I have a strong friendship with a male . i am marrried, he is single. We are probably as close as friends could be but Im not sure how appropriate it is. Is it ok message eachother daily, friendly casual light stuff ? Theres nothing i wouldnt show to my husband but for some reason I feel its a bit intense. He recently told me that he thought i looked 'fantastic' lately. It wasnt sleazy but felt a bit weird. later on, that evening he messaged again to say that he thought i looked' hot 'that day.There has never been anything physical between us but would be very supportive and complimentary and protective of eachother. He knows my family mean the world too me but im wondering is it getting too intense.i love him to bits but this personal commenting is new to the friendship. Am i overthinking this. Thank you

I think you need to tell him you feel those comments are inappropriate. I have lots of male friends but none have messaged me that, and I haven't them. It is disrespectful to your friendship and your dh. If you're honest would your dh be happy seeing those messages or would he think your friend is coming onto you?

Ah. I think he's testing the waters - I think as the previous incidents were the same day I would wait and see if it happens again and then reply with something a bit firm.

Am I being naivee to think that he is only being complimantary and kind. He talks about other women and who he is attracted to etc etc.I advise him too about such matters. Its just new and unsettling and Id hate for anything to change.I dont discuss my marriage ever

Na, I doubt a spouse would be too happy to read things like the message you described.

Shoe on the other foot, is a woman texted you husband that, wouldnt you feel a bit weirded out?

*if

Clearly your worry is that if he has other thoughts going through his mind than just friendship ones. Ultimately, I have told my female friends that they look very good/hot and clearly meant nothing romantic at all by it, so it is possible to be genuinely innocent, but if you have doubts, then something is off.

I would look for other signs and if your suspicions are re-enforced, I would take a big step back as if he fancies you, he is likely to do so for a long time and his friendship won't really be that.

That is not innocent. And I agree with another poster that he is testing the waters.

Does your husband know that you message each other a lot?

Am I being naive to think that he is only being complimantary and kind.

YES! How would you feel if your DH was being messaged by a single woman telling him he looked 'hot'!?

Tell him to back off. Maybe rethink the friendship a little.

And I thought there are more appropriate ways to compliment a married female friend than to say they look ‘hot’. There is something about that that sits uncomfortably with me.

Part of the definition of a EA is when you say things or share things that you would not let your partner know about. If you feel you can show him all the messages, without fear, and know that he is comfortable with what you are discussing then you are fine. You know what you think, too. If you start seeing this person from any more than a platonic viewpoint, then you need to be careful. Just an opinion.

I have many good guy friends (a couple are even exes, though we don't stay in touch nearly that much anymore), though frankly most of them are gay (except my exes!).

Any guy who told me I looked 'hot' would immediately be distanced. That would make me really uncomfortable. It's not about being disrespectful to my husband or anything like that. It's about being disrespectful to me. I wouldn't feel comfortable with anyone making comments about my appearance or attractiveness. That just isn't something people do in normal platonic heterosexual friendships unless they are interested in taking things further. I would definitely make it clear to him that it's made you feel uncomfortable (which it seems it has) and put some distance between the two of you. I'd also talk with your dh about it so it's not something you're intentionally keeping a secret.

Yeah. I don't tell my female friends they look hot. I'm more likely to say I like their top or say their new haircut looks nice.

Not appropriate. I suppose you could say something along the lines of 'my husband thinks so too' but I think you need to listen to the previous poster who said about how would you feel if it was your husband having a friendship like this and maybe cool things of with this guy a bit.

I agree with pp, he's testing the waters. Think he's into more than just friends.

He wants in your pants.

Set boundaries, and cut way way back on contact.

I was friends with a guy for ten years as soon as I seperated from DH he made a play for me. To be honest I had always been a vehement defender of men and women can be friends but after that incident I'm far more sceptical.