Toxic relative, christmas crunch-time

[ExConstance]

I've posted on here before about my strange family. A few months ago I was seriously thinking of going no contact with most of my relations on my mother's side. As the one who left home and is doing OK I'm now routinely scapegoated for everything that goes wrong back in the rural county where they all live. My cousin, who is now quite elderly herself has griped about me to all and sundry for years. Mainly because I don't visit my mother (elderly but not needing care) as often as m cousin thinks I should. This culminated in my cousin telephoning me and slagging me off for going on holiday and being upset when my dog died. I decided at the time that as my cousin only keeps in touch with cards and Christmas presents, never visits us despite driving past our house quite often and never inviting us to her house then I'd be better off going no contact with her, it takes away all her power and now if she wants to have a go to my brother about how useless I am then it is of no relevance to me at all. Cousin has two very nice children in their 50's and 5 grandchildren, all of whom are lovely. I don't see much of them but wouldn't like to be on bad terms with them.

So, Christmas is coming. I will get presents for the cousin's children and grandchildren and leave them at my mother's but I do feel a bit bad about cutting cousin out, she is a bit of a favourite with my mother and she does little things for her ( mainly things that encourage her to be dependent rather than help her live a good life).
Should I send her anything? I thought a plant might be a half way sort of gesture. Part of me thinks it might be good to put out an olive branch but actually I've felt better since writing her out of my life.

Why are you even buying the cousins children and grandchildren? If she has nothing nice to say about you, then just stop buying for her family!

You sound as if you feel obliged to her and her family for some reason? Why? Do they buy presents for you and your family (if you have one?). Does your mum try and bully you into buying them?

You don't have to do anything your cousin or mum says, you are an adult and can only be bullied if you allow yourself to be.

I am now mid 50s and have over the years realised that people can shit on you only if you let them.

My nasty DB stopped presents for us, slagged me off in many ways for years. I just stopped presents too and laughed in mums face when she said it wasn't fair - that I should carry on buying even if he didnt!!! My poor, poor niece, not getting a present, nothing about my poor DC not receiving one for past X birthdays/xmas. Yeh, right, sod that!

I also went low contact, even lower now mum is dead. He tried to re start by sending me a card to arrive xmas eve last year. I have made it clear he is wasting his time!!

I keep in touch with 2 female cousins, via Christmas and birthday cards and the odd visit. One has always bought my two, and I now buy her DGS, but that is it. If she started treating me like your cousin, I would stop contact and presents.

I have separate relationships with her two children, one of them I sometimes pop in to see if I'm visiting home as he has a workshop next door to my mother, he is a nice chap and his two daughters are lovely. T.C's daughter was my bridesmaid, she occasionally seeks a bit of guidance on professional things and her children, now late teens are creative and funny, I don't want to cut them out of my life.

My cousin herself used to live with us when I was young so that she was in the catchment area for a good secondary school, she used to come on holiday with us too, so then we were very close. I've always thought she was a bit jealous of me because my life has been more straightforward and I'm happily married. She always buys us Christmas presents, thoughtful but not expensive and I always get something a bit more expensive to take into account the bits she does for my mother.

This year I have tried very hard to maintain my mother's independence but the rest of the family think that taking her cooked food to heat up is a good idea, she won't be able to do anything for herself soon if she stops trying. I don't think I can resume contact, apart from her comments about me to the rest of the family she went on and on about how my husband looked seriously ill and he must have something terrible wrong with him when went to a family event last year. I had lots of concerned enquiries. DH is slender, very fit and had nothing wrong with him at all!

I will buy for her family this year, and if they don't send us something that will be that. If my mother lives to be 100 cutting the cousin out has only meant that I will see her 9 times less in my entire life, so no big loss.