Should I send this?

[WelshMoth]

A friend of a friend has been in an abusive relationship for the last 6 years. Awful, insidious abuse. She has taken him back twice before but this time, she has actually told her family. Progress.

I've bought the Lundy Bancroft book that has helped so many women on MN - and I want to send it, but anonymously. Should I? Should I add a note 'from a friend'? I want to empower her but unsure if an anonymous book will spin her out.

I would give it to her but not anonymously.

I'd find it patronising. It also isn't a very good book.

And if the partner finds it? He will go berserk

Leave it be when she leaves him give it to her just support her for now

I think sending it anonymously is a terrible idea

Why do you want to do it anonymously?

If you want to give it to her, do it in person. That way she can't be blindsided by him opening it or seeing her open it.

There's no upside to sending it anonymously, it would just be worrying and potentially put her in a spot. She is a friend, right?

Thanks everyone. Fair advice. I won't send it.

She's a close friend of a colleague but our social circles collide. He's gone - We all hope he stays gone.

Thanks again. This board is always good for solid advice.

Not a very good book??!??

Though I shouldn't encourage you

Springy I've never actually heard of anyone saying that they'd not benefitted in some way from reading it, so I thought I'd let that one go.

I'll not send it though - don't want to send the poor woman into a tailspin.

Don't send it anonymous for all the reasons above.

If you could give it to her in person I think it's a great idea. That booked is the reason I left my last abusive relationship and helped me a great deal in understanding why I ended up in that situation. It also helped a friend of mine too.

You could give the book to her colleague/friend to pass on to her. (As their own idea.)

I'm not saying people don't benefit from it, but people benefit from 'Eat, pray, love' or other self-help books.

He gives opinions with no foot notes or references but presents his opinions and statistics as facts. While admitting he would not be considered an expert witness in courts. He does not have all the 'qualifications' he claims to have.

There is nothing new in saying any group of people will fall into broad 'types'. That was established many, many decades ago. It is the basis of 'personality' types and the DSM and ICD criteria for mental illness and 'offender' profiles in criminality.

He is not well-regarded in academic circles and his 'retreats' in the US cause concern.

So that's why I (and many others) don't think it's a good book. That doesn't mean it isn't helpful, it means I want books claiming to be 'expert' to be backed up by qualifications and research rather than opinions and the writer to not be profiting from 'retreats' where abused women are putting all their faith in another man who is profiting from their misery.

Well bully for you Mack. It's saved the lives and sanity of countless, innumerable women who couldn't give a flying fuck about credentials, footnotes or any such academic markers.

So hush with your snobbery. That book saves lives and that's good enough for those of us who were saved by it.