Qualities which indicate a DP is not a knob

[ToTheSky]

I’ve been unlucky in a bad relationship with a controlling man for the past 11 years. Because of low self esteem and being ‘conditioned’ to accept his bad behaviour as normal, I struggle to identify what qualities are the norm in a normal, caring, loving partner, and what is (or is not) acceptable.

Please can all you lucky people who have ‘normal’ caring partners help me out by listing some examples of what I should be expecting and any red flags (aside from the controlling behaviour which I now recognise).

I realise this is quite a broad ask, but would be so grateful if you could just note things which are 'givens’ - as I have so little insight into how 'normal' relationships are and when reading some MN posts about caring partners often find myself thinking ‘Wow – what a lovely person, how lucky they are to be with someone so utterly fantastic….’ then read further down thread and discover that the example given is in fact regarded by most people as just ‘standard’ behaviour.

I am not rushing to get into another relationship but would be really grateful to be equipped when ready to think about it.

Thanks.

OP, I hope it goes without saying that every single one of your examples shows that he is not only unacceptable as a partner, but also a disgusting human being.

One measure of a good relationship is that you both have the same rights, i.e. an equal right:
to be spoken to politely
to be treated kindly
to have your own friends
to see your family
to go out socially and be trusted to do so
to have privacy when you need it
to be able to turn down sex without recriminations
to have access to your own money and to family money if married with dc
to not be told what you are allowed/not allowed to do

I'm lucky enough to have never been in a relationship with a bad partner. It wouldn't even occur to dh that he could or would want to control me or tell me what I could or couldn't do. We have very rarely even had a row.

Fizzygreenwater's Post is excellent.
I second the suggestion to do the Freedom Programme.**

We've been together 10 years. DP has never raised his voice at me or snapped at me, though I've snapped at him. He's never called me names. He doesn't stop me doing anything, in fact it's the opposite, he actively encourages me to do anything I want to, remembers things I've mentioned wanting to try and tells me if he sees a local class advertised or something. He really believes in me and has given me a lot of confidence when after my childhood I very much thought I couldn't do certain things. Kind to me and our children and our pets. A good friend. His female friends in particular can't help confiding in him and I don't blame them. He's always so thoughtful and able to see things in a new way.

He's nice to his mum.

We have interesting conversations and he makes me laugh. He does his share round the house.

Basically I think you need to feel like a team. I feel like we face the world together. I'm glad we are getting married soon

Normal - Listens to what you say and takes it seriously,: doesn't laugh at you, dismiss you or take it as an insult or reason to kick off .

I was just talking about this with my DH. Our adult DD has met someone in another country, far away, with a very different culture.
We met him recently and knew quickly that he would be a good DP because
: he is thoughtful and considerate
: he is intelligent and funny
: affectionate
: sensible with money
: he believes in equality and sharing in a relationship
: if he says he will do something, it happens
: he cooks and keeps his place clean and tidy
So we think he's a keeper! Not what we anticipated and we are now embarking on the visa journey.

Some examples of my lovely partner

• Never swears at me
• Never raises his voice at me
• Is genuinely interested in my thoughts and opinions
• Never speaks disrespectfully about people's appearances
• Does nice things for me and expects nothing in return - just wants to make my life nice
• We each have our own money and money we share totally equally
• We share all housework
• encourages me to persue my interests and have a life and friends outside of him
• Will accept the word 'no' in every situation, regardless of how minor that situation may appear - I think this one is really important
• he has his shit together and takes responsibility for his own wellbeing
• always looks for fun ways we can spend time together

I know this will sound braggy but I don't really care. I've been with plenty of shit heads and once you break free from that cycle it's amazing. There are so many lovely men out there

It's taken years and 2 abusive relationships to realise that if I wouldn't accept something from a friend I shouldn't accept it in a relationship either.

I was shocked by how nice my husband was when we started dating. He was supportive, never put me down, never competitive with me, never said anything horrible. It took a year before I realised that he's just a normal person and my expectations were all wrong.

This is such a helpful post!

Everything's better when he's around.

He listens to me, and values my input and opinions, to the point that he will change his mind sometimes after talking with me.

He supports my decisions and my wishes. What I want matters to him, and he will do whatever he can to help me get it.

He picks me up when I'm struggling, cares for me when I'm tired or ill, does his best to nurture me.

He tells me he loves me, and shows me, in hundreds of little ways.

He never withholds affection, and never uses it to manipulate me.

He talks through problems with me, if I've upset him somehow he sits down with me and we talk.

He takes his share of the mental load, running the house and caring for our pets, more so now I'm near the end of my pregnancy and can't do as much.

I could go on and on, I'm over the moon happy and know that my child and I are loved, wanted and cared for. That is a very powerful feeling to wake up to each morning.

The thing that made me realize he was a good man though, was when he came to dinner at my parents house and my brother and 6 yr old niece were there. She asked him to play a board game with her so he got down on the floor, helped set it up and played happily for an hour, made her laugh and generally had fun with her. With no prompting from me. He was great with my parents and my adult siblings, but it was how he behaved with the kids which really made me know he was a decent man.

DH has always complemented me, through four pregnancies he has only been kind and flattering and told me how gorgeous I am even when I have felt like a total lump.