Aspergers...husband...any help ?

[Barbara1956]

My husband was diagnosed with Aspergers some years ago...when we met he was a high flying computer expert, but once he was promoted to a man management post he couldn't cope and was retired...leaving me with all the responsibility for paying the bills and looking after our 3 children.
I had a rough abusive childhood and have pretty much accepted my lot but am now having CBT to deal with my overwhelmingly terrible sadness.
I feel hopeless and suicidal a lot of the time and also know that if I didn't look after my family nobody would...feel hopelessly trapped ..
What can I do?

For me one of the problems is the us and them. Which has come up on this thread on both ‘sides’ -
E.g. You NT people can’t understand us with ASD it’s really hard but we are empathic and nothing wrong with us. So don’t change us.
Or - all of you with ASD have no idea about our feelings.

It’s tricky, like pickle understanding or pointing out a difficult ASD trait in a relationship can sometimes help the NT person have more patience and tolerance. Although both people have equal needs, if it is all appeasing someone else’s inflexibility then there is an imbalance.

Or like with my DH he’d blame me when he got stressed as it was easier than recognizing it was his rigidity about a situation. For example if I disagreed with him he’d not cope, get angry, then blame me for his anger. With more insight into himself he began to see that it was normal for people to have different points of view. On the other side, he is very caring and responsible, and I love his sense of order. He does find my spontaneity hard but I don’t expect him to be like that with me.

Endof I agree with what you are saying.
Some NT and AS people, are as entrenched as each other aboutbthe ‘other’ being at fault for not doing xxx.

I agree about understanding of ASD helping to cope with the situation. You can get more patient and tolerant.
I also think that some (a lot?) of people with AS dont have the necessary insight to realise that they aren’t always right and thatbthey areblaxking in flexibility.

But most importantly, I am always weary of any comment that says that the NT person needs to educated themselves, get an insight and then they will understand. Because its putting all the responsibility onto the NT person. It’s also play8ng on guilt - how can you not see that they are struggling with xxx and you’re not so you really need to make an effort/be compassionate/make do.
I personally found that I ended up accepting miles too much in the ground that I needed to be more accepting. Which isn’t good at all.

Contrary to what some believe, ASD people can be empathetic. The problem comes from the fact that they can barely handle their own feelings and emotions let alone those of others. Many ASD people empathise so strongly that it’s painful for them

The problem is that, if you are in the receiving end of the behaviour of someone who can ‘barely handle their own feelings and emotions’, it is really hard work.
Actually, if that person was NT and was in a similar situation (as in struggle to handle their emotions), answers would be very different. It certainly wouldnt be ‘poor them. I absolutely need to support them and just make do’.

The balance is very hard to find when you are the partner. Finding an equilibrium between giving the other person some leeway because they are finding it hard. And not forgett8ng about yourself so much that you are the one who is so badly hurt/does all the work in the relationship

Esp the ‘not able to do anything in that particular situation’ is extremely hard work tbh.

Because it leaves the other person to do all the leg work. All the time. And it’s exhausting.

Sorry. I’ll stop there.
This is currently a very sensitive subject for me.

Barbara, I can only give you my own conclusion. And that’s that I am going to leave. After nearly 20 years of trying to hold the whole thing together, I just can’t do it anymore. I made myself ill (just like you) and I need to start looking after myself too. That’s after years trying to do it all (parenting, running do the house etc...) whilst trying to keep H happy because he didn’t see things the same way than me but at the same time couldnt do anything at all either.
I stayed out of guilt. Out of sadness. Out of not having any energy at all to even start planning for something else.
I’ve tried. I’ve tried fucking hard. And now I’m giving up because all the hassle and hard work has just killed all the love I had.

I agree Hermoine - in a partnership there has to be balance.

Thank goodness my DH eventually recognised that getting angry because I had another point of view was his inflexibility, not me. I was basically in a controlling relationship with me having to repress the core of my being to accommodate him, and that would not have been healthy for me long term at all.

No amount of ‘understanding’ on my side would have solved that. It’s the same with OP? You do need your DH to step up and take some responsibility it seems.

Just to add, I’m sorry that it’s ended like that Hermoine - that must be utterly heartbreaking for you, especially after so many years. I do understand and I guess the OP will too.

Controlling is exactely how it has felt at times. As well as emotionally abusive (sorry for those who are in the spectrum. It IS how it FELT to me even knowing this was not him being abusive iyswim)

Too much has been going in for us. Love has been truly killed, at least for me.
I do know that H will be very hurt by a separation and will struggle to understand.
I feel bad about that, like I am punishing him for something he has no control over. (And seeing that I have some health issues of my own, this is even harder).
But it’s too late. Much too late.

Xpost.