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Original poster

When you know your partner is attracted to somebody else...

56 replies

Greedynan · 05/12/2017 20:18

Hypothetical question here. You've been together a long time. You've got kids. Things can get a bit predictable, but life is ok. From time to time somebody catches your eye, somebody catches your partner's eye. That's just human nature, of course. You know you're not going to act on anything. You're pretty sure your partner wouldn't either (can we really ever trust a person 100%, really).

But do you do when you know your partner is attracted to another person, but unlikely to act in it? How do you reconcile that in your mind? What is the key to accepting this but not allowing the green eyed monster to get the better of you?

Just curious 🙂

OP posts:
Offred · 06/12/2017 12:53

I draw the line at acting on an attraction in a way that is disloyal/objectively detrimental to the long term relationship.

Offred · 06/12/2017 12:54

I'm not sure talking to him would be helpful. He's not very emotionally accommodating.

This is unacceptable from an adult who has chosen to be married btw.

ivenoideawhatimdoing · 06/12/2017 12:57

Using his Annual Leave to spend time with another woman that has no relevance to his job?

Fuck that for a bag of carrots.

OP, he's your husband. Talk to him about it, say how you feel, exactly as you have put on here. Don't be afraid of his response.

Original poster
Greedynan · 06/12/2017 12:59

The OW does have relevance to the new job. There'd be a group of people there. They would be alone. Just as he's going to the new jobs Xmas do. It'll be a group situ so that's ok.

OP posts:
0hCrepe · 06/12/2017 13:00

You need to meet her and be very lovely. Make yourself known.

AtrociousCircumstance · 06/12/2017 13:01

Not very emotionally accommodating?

So, unempathic, selfish and cold?

You have every right to talk to him about your fears and as your partner he should do everything he can to alleviate them.

You sound so tuned into him - his needs, his intellectualism, his excitement about this new role...and yet you feel invisible.

You have been paying him so much loving attention but how much do you get back? It doesn’t sound as if he is generous with his time and attention. Not where you’re concerned anyway.

Talk to him and think about what you want from the relationship.

Codlet · 06/12/2017 13:03

I agree about meeting her actually. Are partners invited to the new work’s Xmas do?

Offred · 06/12/2017 13:06

Does he take annual leave go to the presentations of the others in the group? Does he help the others by adding stuff to their presentations? Does he spend all night emailing the others? Is he equally involved with the others?

I strongly urge you not to just think ‘it is work so it is ok’ but to look at it in more objective detail. Taking on extra work can be a way of getting close to and initiating contact with someone you are attracted to. I found this out at the cost of my self esteem after years of being angrily raged at that this work was The.Most.Important.Thing.In.The.World. when in reality the whole reason he was doing it was to be able to spend as much time as possible (7 days a week including evenings for 1 year) with OW.

HostofDaffodils · 06/12/2017 13:06

I think it's a matter of waiting it out if the marriage is basically okay. I'm not sure that I believe that talking about everything always makes stuff better,

I've been attracted to other people. It passes. I don't think saying to my husband, 'By the way I really, really like X and enjoy spending time with him and think about him quite a bit' would have helped.

I think I believe in carrying on doing the things you always do together, trying to be your better self.

Offred · 06/12/2017 13:11

And yy to the pain of watching someone who is cold and unemotional with you be excited and considerate re an OW. It’s really hurtful.

Codlet · 06/12/2017 13:14

Offred, your experience with your ex does sound quite extreme! I think most people find themselves mildly attracted to someone else over the course of a long marriage, and it doesn’t usually result in the kind of behaviour you’re describing.

Darlingsof · 06/12/2017 13:17

My Dp and I accept that we'll both find other people attractive from time to time and that's normal and okay, we're not made of stone. Whether or not one of you acts on that depends on your relationship with each other and what you both find acceptable/unacceptable. I know quite a few couples who have redefined what 'cheating' means to them and seem the happier for it...

Vernazza · 06/12/2017 13:17

Greedynan, having read your other threads, this latest little twist in the plot is just the tip of the iceberg isn't it. He sounds like a condescending bully to you, and I can see why your self-esteem is suffering. You say he's a brilliant dad, but brilliant dads don't treat their DC's mother like he treats you.

Are you able to go see a professional counsellor by yourself to gain some objectivity on your marriage?

Offred · 06/12/2017 13:22

Of course all people are attracted to other people over the course of a long relationship and it mostly doesn’t end up so extreme. I’m not at all saying it does.

I just think a. If the op can’t talk to her OH about this because he is unemotional with her and b. He is putting considerable effort into being considerate and emotionally available to OW then this is already EA territory and the issue is more likely to be with his inappropriate boundaries than with OP’s self esteem and it isn’t solved by just sweeping it under the carpet and waiting for him to get it out of his system.

People who don’t have adequate boundaries are commonly disrespectful to partners and often end up in emotional/physical affairs.

Offred · 06/12/2017 13:34

Oh ok I’ve just read your other threads....

Is this the same woman he went out for a drink with or is this another one?

There seems to be a history of what you call your ‘jealousy’ but from this side I’m seeing a man who is a controlling bully who sees himself as better than you, criticisises you often and has a pattern of poor boundaries with OW that he will not subject to any scrutiny at all be becoming enraged and verbally abusivr when questioned.

Offred · 06/12/2017 13:35

Which, BTW, is EXACTLY like my ex...

Offred · 06/12/2017 13:35

Have you read anything about triangulation?

Original poster
Greedynan · 06/12/2017 13:49

Sorry all. I'm feeling quite emotional. He is selfish. He puts so little into us, into me and it's all about his career. I am trying so hard to be pleased for him but I feel so threatened by this OW. He's not invested in her emotionally so far. It's purely professional as far as I can tell.

@vernazza you are right - I need to get some perspective.

@offred you are also right about this being dodgy territory.

I am convinced that he's capable of an EA. I'm not so sure re physical.

But he genuinely hasn't crossed the line yet. I know he's attracted to this OW. But I think the issue is more that I feel threatened. But this is made worse by the fact that he overlooks me, criticises me and invests so little time in me.

I'm sorry, what was meant to be a 'hypothetical question' has become a bit of an emotional outpouring

OP posts:
Original poster
Greedynan · 06/12/2017 13:53

It's a different woman @offred and that may make me appear to be a bunny boiler but I think the issue I'm becoming clearer about is that his career is so much the priority for him that he is capable of compartmentalising his relationship with me and then engaging in unacceptable behaviour with ow. These behaviours, imo, would not be unacceptable were he investing time in our relationship

OP posts:
Offred · 06/12/2017 13:55

It’s not the OW. It’s him.

Triangulation is a common abusive tactic. The purpose of it is not pursuing an affair but to make you feel as though you are not good enough (and get you to work harder at pleasing him).

Offred · 06/12/2017 13:59

It doesn’t make you appear as a bunny boiler BTW.

In context it makes him appear emotionally abusive and as though he has a history of using women at his work to triangulate you.

I think it is particularly pertinent that he is picking women from work to triangulate you with (and his work itself) as he is so critical about your career and education and so nasty re refusing to recognise the hit you are taking by being the primary carer to two young DC.

FWIW for you to have climbed to the top of your current career whilst being primary carer and dealing with his bullying is a real achievement IMO.

Offred · 06/12/2017 14:02

I believe that he has lead you to believe things like; that you are not successful, that you are a bunny boiler, that you are not as clever as him, that you are boring etc because he is abusive and it suits him to tear you down so that he is always on top.

Offred · 06/12/2017 14:04

And ‘it is just work, you are crazy and jealous and I can’t deal with you’ is just more of those abusive tactics. The whole point of him doing these things, if I am right, is to make you feel insecure, destroy you self esteem and make you feel like you are crazy and incapable.

Original poster
Greedynan · 06/12/2017 14:09

I've never heard of triangulation. I just had a Google now. Thank you. I've got to be honest - he's not taunting me re the OW in any way. He's just investing in the role professionally ALOT. Every night he has his laptop on his lap and his earphones in. He's working his arse off to be fair. But he's definitely bending over backwards to please and now he wants to go to this presentation.

I have to put my hands up and admit that i feel threatened by those things. It's because I know how much he craves that intellectual stimulation. Now he's getting it he's buzzing. I feel sidelined and pathetic.

I appreciate you all taking the time to advise me.

OP posts:
Offred · 06/12/2017 14:11

When I was with ex someone wise said to me ‘do you think he is intimidated by your more authentic intelligence?’ At the time I thought ‘no way, how could he be? He has all these degrees and a great job/status, I don’t even have a job or a degree and he seems so sure of himself and the world whereas I am not’ but it was a very pertinent observation.

At the heart of this kind of arrogant hubris and emotional abuse is often a very well hidden lack of confidence and feeling of being threatened by someone you see as more competent. It becomes a compulsion to tear the person you feel threatened by down and make them small and incapable as you don’t see how you can ever get the recognition you feel you are entitled to without doing so. So it’s a combination of toxic entitlement and low confidence in your own abilities.

Being on the receiving end of it is very confusing because your experience is of constantly being made to feel sure that you are wrong, not good enough, not exciting enough, not clever enough etc but the reality is these are projections of what the abuser feels about him/herself.

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