Can any MNet agony aunts put me out of my misery with some good advice?

[FancyPants]

I've been involved in a very ?arms length? (ie, seeing each other fairly infrequently), but happy, relationship for around 18 months. I realised that I?m in love with this man a while ago , but felt that I was still quite happy to continue seeing him only once a month or so, as I?m very content with the life I have as a lone parent too, am quite scared of getting into a long term relationship again and really cherish my independence.
He is a total commitment-phobe (as I have been too, up until now), but a month or two ago he started making rather different noises that suggested he was starting to think about a future with me, & for the first time in ages, I started to consider what that future could be like. And I decided that perhaps that?s what I do want. And the more I think about it, the more I want it. But he is now saying that he doesn?t feel ready to ?be? with ?someone?. On the other hand, he took me away to Barcelona for the weekend last week? But he is still giving me mixed messages - soo loving and affectionate, complimentary, appreciative, telling me how fantastic, intelligent (ha! if only), beautiful I am blah blah blah but also distant, talking about how he'd like to move abroad...resulting in me not having a clue what?s going on. When we parted at Heathrow he was completely non-committal about when we would meet again.
So now I'm full of yearning for this relationship that may never happen. I'm so scared of being in limbo for ever, or worse, until he finds someone that he really does want to be with, and all the time the weeks & months are passing by. I'm considering telling him that it has to end, because the thought of being disappointed yet again is so terrifying. But on the other hand, not seeing him again would be agony, as would accepting that we?ll never be together ?properly?. Telling him how I truly feel would make him run a mile. What should I do?
Reading that back, it all sounds quite trivial & pathetic. Aarrgggh! Hate feeling like this.

All those ?s should be 's... sorry, not sure what went wrong there...!

you should talk. that's what you should do. tell him how you feel and what you want and ask him to do the same.

then think. is he able to offer you what you want.

if yes, great. if no, what next?

but start with talking and listening.

so many relationships get flushed down the crapper because people don't talk.

xxx

I think you'd better put your cards on the table. It is likely that he will run a mile, but then you'll be able to get over it all.

He sounds like a classic committment-phobe, tbh. They often like to think and talk about having a real relationship, but that doesn't mean they'll actually do it.

He also sounds like one of those tiresome people (almost always male) who can't bear the idea that a woman isn't desperate for commitment, so will tease and tease and tease her till she starts to think she might be, so he can retreat, bleating about how he "warned" her that he wasn't the relationship type.

Find as many enjoyable, demanding, interesting things to do with your time as possible. Including other nice men unless you're madly monogamous. Then you can either slot this one back into place as a fuckbuddy not to be relied on, or sent him on his way, without feeling too bad.

sounds like classic 'pushmepullyou' behaviour, you know?, the animal from Doctor Dolittle? Where if you approach he backs off and vice versa. Sounds like he thought it would be nice to be more commited and then when he told you you approached and he backed off. Agree with 2 pence, you need to talk but this may scare him off for good - would that be a bad thing tho? I mean you need to know what he's expecting/willing to commit to.
Good luck

Seems to me you've got to tell him how you feel. If you do and he runs, well then the relationship was never a goer anyway. If you end it without telling him you will always wonder what if.

Its not pathetic or trivial, its important enough to you to make you post! Agree with everyone else, you need to talk. We could talk to you for hours, but unless he knows how you feel, its no good. You have to tell him how you feel. If it all goes tits up, then at least you'll know. And we'll be here for you!

Thanks.. I knew you wise ladies would have something lovely & constructive to say. Talking does seem to be the way forward, but so scared of losing him altogether. Think I may need to make a decision about whether the distant uncommited relationship is better then no relationship at all
Madamez - I have my moments of mad monogamy, but not if it isn't being offered in return, & especially not if I'm being pissed about. I do have a rather scrummy, ahem, "friend" for special occassions, who just happened to text me the other day... but he's not him (sigh)

Agree with Malaleche and Madamez, FP. He's a classic commitment-phobe and this push-me-pull-you behaviour will carry on throughout the relationship, ad infinitum. It's to do with him having issues about being close in relationships and is supposed to be attributed to men who have distant fathers and domineering mother's. I think that you'd be better off looking for someone else less complex.

Oooo, MrsDanvers, you are exactly, spookily, right about the distant father / domineering mother thing with this guy... How interesting.

Nothing spooky about it at all, FP. I'm in a long term relationship with a man who has the same sort of behaviour and read somewhere about this type of mother/father relationship producing commitment-shy men and this matched his parental relationship also. Don't try and change him because it won't happen- and he'll never put you before his mother, either. Sorry to be pessimistic, but these types of men are impossible to have a happy relationship with.