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Relationships

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Original poster

Partner moved in after being a single mum- miss old life

22 replies

GG84 · 05/12/2017 11:30

Hi,
I need some help, a few months ago I let my new partner move in with me and my child. We had been on our own 4 years and enjoyed a fun life fun of friends and family.

I thought it was my turn for the missing piece of the puzzle although I wasn't looking for it. I am really struggling with him being there all the time and feel trapped. I love him but I miss my quality time with my child on our own, I miss evenings of feeling a sense of achievement from being a single mum and thinking about the day we had, I miss my own company and feel I struggle to share my attention between my child and my partner. I know this sounds redicious. He doesn't have any friends or hobbies so is always with us and if I want to go out with my friends and their children without him he thinks something is wrong and I feel guilty.

We are starting to argue over nothing because I feel I can't breathe. He doesn't seem to understand.

Any advice guys? Thank you x

OP posts:

Bringbeboback · 05/12/2017 11:35

Doesn't sound like the right person for you. The 'one' will slot into your life and it will all feel right.
The fact he worries when you go out without him is a red flag too. Sounds like he's maybe a bit depressed if he doesn't have much else going on in his life, and he might be trying to (unintentionally) bring your mood down too and not want you to have fun without him. It's actually very controlling behaviour to guilt trip you whenever you see friends.
If you were happy just you and your daughter then there's nothing stopping you getting back to that way of life. You don't need a man in your life.
Could you ask him to move out? Does he have anywhere to go? Would you want to still be with him if you weren't living together?

MyBrilliantDisguise · 05/12/2017 11:37

You need to go back to the way you were. If you feel you can't breathe when he's around you, he's the wrong person for you.

RestingGrinchFace · 05/12/2017 11:40

I think that you should just break up now. It's not fair to expect him to never move inwith you etc but clearly you aren't looking for or needing that right now. You want different things so go and find them elsewhere.

Bringbeboback · 05/12/2017 11:41

Do it before Xmas too otherwise it will just give him the wrong message if you spend Xmas together and get each other gifts etc

Gruach · 05/12/2017 11:42

I do sometimes wonder how men who don't have any friends or hobbies manage to attract (even short term) a life partner.

OP you must see that you've answered your own question. Why persist with a situation that is nowhere near as good as the life you had before?

Fairylea · 05/12/2017 11:44

I would ask him to move out again before he becomes so tangled up in your life and bonded with your child it becomes harder to do that.

AmeliaFlashtart · 05/12/2017 11:47

The right person adds to or compliments your life.Go back to the way you were.

user1493413286 · 05/12/2017 11:49

I think moving in together is very hard when you’re used to living by yourself and I know that me and my OH argued massively when we first moved in together as it took a while just to find how things worked for us.
Unless you want to break up I’d find ways to spend time with just your child and be clear with him that you need time with just your friends and he needs to do what he did before you were living together when he wasn’t at yours

MeriReu · 05/12/2017 12:14

Hi Op
I've just gone through this - my (now ex) partner moved in with me and my son and I felt completely suffocated. He moved out at the weekend and already I feel so so much calmer and the house feels nicer too.
I bit the bullet and asked him to move out - we broke up at the same time as we just weren't right for eachother. I felt a sense of relief rather than sadness and I feel way more like myself again now - and it's only been a couple of days!

Good luck

hellsbellsmelons · 05/12/2017 14:12

Give him 2 weeks notice but ask him to move back out.
He doesn't sound right for you to be honest.
Making you feel guilty for going out without him is a massive red flag.
No friends, another big red flag.
Why are you ignoring them all.
Take back control of YOUR and YOUR DD life and kick him out.
You don't want him there so don't have him there.
It's your house.
This really is NOT complicated!

Karigan1 · 05/12/2017 14:21

What worries me in your post is that he makes you feel guilty for going out. He sounds rather needy. I would worry about any partner who is scared of me having an independent life.

Teething problems moving in atent so much of a worry as you’re going to get them when two people learn to live together but the rest is concerning. Talk to him.

Myreputation · 05/12/2017 14:24

How long have you been together?

Karigan1 · 05/12/2017 14:28

By the way it’s not the no friends thing and no friends isn’t a red flag.

My partner never goes out with friends. In 3 years I’ve met one of his friends twice. He just doesn’t socialise because he’s seriously busy and what time he does have we like to spend together. BUT and it’s a big but, if I said I’d been invited out with the girls I’d get nothing but a ‘have fun’ and a cup of tea waiting when I got back. I went to Crete without him and came back to a gorgeous note, chocolates and a Chinese to welcome me home. He never makes me feel bad for going out ever. If anything he encourages me to saying he wants me to be happy. I love that guy more than anything except my son!

I sound dreadful. I encourage him to get out too but he’s building a house and tired so much he chooses not to. I just make him dinner, tea and try to make life easier for him in return. We look after each other :)

Cricrichan · 05/12/2017 14:30

Missing me time or your space with your child is understandable but the fact that he's always there and makes you feel guilty about going out is a big no no. I'd ask him to move out op. You're an independent woman with a child. The only reason to have a man is if he adds more than he takes away from your life. If you'd rather he wasn't there and you had your freedom and you don't have any responsibilities together etc then there really is no reason to be together. And the longer you leave it the harder it'll be

Annelind · 05/12/2017 14:41

I would ask him to leave. Say "this isn't working for me". Life is too short to live feeling suffocated.

I see my lover twice a week, staying overnight. I often have week long breaks from this routine, still messaging daily, but not seeing him.This is never a problem for him. I doubt I could live with a man again tbh, and this arrangement suits us fine.

Ellendegeneres · 05/12/2017 17:24

What jumped out to me was you let a new partner move in- how new? How much did you really know him before he moved in?

I agree with the majority- he's not right for you.
I'm seeing someone, we know where it'll lead eventually, but both want our shit together independently of one another before it happens- and we know that means years, not months. That's fine for us, when we do spend extensive time together it's bliss- and I miss him when he's gone. But we both agree that we need the 'I miss you' bit right now, him moving in would be nuts.

So how are you feeling having posted? Does it reinforce what you were already thinking or does it make you upset to think of him not living there with you? Both are ok.

Be3Al2Si6O18 · 05/12/2017 17:37

If it does not work for you then change it.

RebootYourEngine · 05/12/2017 17:42

I understand how you feel. I have lived on my own for so long that i dont think i coukd move a partner into my home. Doesmt mean that i want to be single forever. You can have a fantastic relationship living apart.

How long have you been together? How much of a discussion did you two have before he moved in?

user1497997754 · 05/12/2017 18:46

I did exactly the same thing but instead of us moving in together we got married and he then moved in. Huge mistake same as you missed me and my daughter time it lasted 3 years we got divorced ...this mistake ruined my life and my relationship with my daughter has been badly affected I so wish I had never done it.....

Jemima2011 · 05/12/2017 21:13

It sounds to me like it is time to reverse your decision. What do you think you would regret more, asking him to move out, or looking back and wishing it had more time on your own with your daughter? I know it's hard, but better to state your feelings now that keep on with a situation that you are not happy or comfortable with.

Original poster

GG84 · 19/02/2018 21:47

I took lots on board including your comments..thank you. it’s been a misery and upheaval but he left a month ago. I did love him but it just didn’t work. It’s been up and down emotions like I failed my daughter. Thank you again I realise how desperate I must have been to post on here when I have never been on her before

OP posts:

AndTheBandPlayedOn · 19/02/2018 23:56

I hope you find your former peace and contentment soon.

No, you didn’t fail your dd. You showed her how to make decisions and act on them.

Perhaps you have a new understanding that a man/relationship may not be the missing puzzle piece?

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