Is there ever a good time to do this?

[minisoksmakehardwork]

I have long battled with my ability to make my feelings known to my parents. More accurately to have them listen and actually hear what I am saying rather than them dismissing me.

I've now written a letter. It's nearly Xmas. Either way it is going to be shit but I need to do it. If I don't, the feelings are just going to hang over me and ruin my festive period. But if I send it, I'm definitely ruining theirs as well.

Please give me permission to send it!

Yes send it....they will then be able to digest what your letter contains over the festive season

Question is, do you want to see them at Christmas or potentially have a big family argument during the festive period? Things to consider before sending it but sending it now will give a bit of time.

You can’t actually make them listen to you. If they haven’t listened before, what makes you 5ink that was writing a letter is going to make any difference? I know that’s the standard MN answer but it never seems like a good idea to me.

My mum once wrote a very hurtful letter to me. I had a fair idea it would be hurtful (and what it was going to say) so once I had read the first line I gave it to DH to read to decide if I should read it. He said no, so it got binned. I’m still hurt by the act of sending the letter but not as much as if I’d actually read it.

Anyway, what I’m trying say is that by writing you give them even more opportunity not to take in what you want to say. And IMHO you risk looking childish into the bargain.

Write it down by all means but do not send the letter. They will see a letter, no matter how nicely or carefully worded, as an attack on them and will act accordingly by using your words against you. I would suggest you drop all forms of contact quietly to a point of zero contact. You may also want to have a look at the "well we took you to Stately Homes" thread on these pages.

This may help you also:-
outofthefog.website/what-to-do-2/2015/12/3/no-contact

They have never given any consideration to your feelings so do not let your own FOG (fear, obligation and guilt) think that you will ruin theirs.

I honestly don't care whether I see them at xmas time, or any time.

It took me becoming a parent myself to learn why my father was always more distant and grouchy at xmas, more volatile even. My childhood wasn't bad, just... unbalanced.

I figured sending a letter would at least allow them to see I haven't just been brainwashed into it, acknowledges where I went wrong. I just don't want them turning up on my doorstep and behaving in the way they did last time - my father refused to leave when i told him to! This letter literally tells them they are not welcome.

If the letter is telling them they're not welcome, is that just for Christmas or at any time? I'd write the letter but not send it, then move on. If you accept any blame in writing you will give them something to hold against you, in writing.

Ask yourself whether it will make any difference to their behaviour towards you. Perhaps resolving the issues or hurt you have regarding them might be more beneficial to you in the long term.