Cant talk to anyone - need advice

[Coffiman]

Hi everyone,

I have been with my DW for 16 years now and and we have two girls - 11 & 10 and a little boy who has just turned 1!

Me and my wife have had a rocky relationship however since the she got pregnant with our little boy we have been amazing and I've been the happiest I've ever been. My wife has cheated (not sexual as far as I know!) before however I was recently looking for photos of the baby on her computer and I came across some messages from 2 and a half years ago sent to her friends talking about how my brother in laws brother had slept with someone and my wife was writing about how she was very upset and how she liked him. When I questioned my wife about this she broke down and after trying to lie her way out of it she told me that she deveopled a crush on him over an 8 week period in the local pub and that she had "tried it on" with him and he turned her down. During this time I remember her doing load of overtime in work however I remember being happy and doing fun things together....

Should I feel stupid for feeling betrayed? She is promising me she's feels differently now and is making a massive effort, I'm trying to stay positive and not deal with it as I don't want to spoil xmas for the kids. I am really struggling mentally with this and I don't think she is telling me the whole truth but she doesn't want to talk about it anymore...

Any advice you can give me for my situation would be greatly received xxx

To be honest I don't understand why she would be upset if it was a mere crush and the fact she admits that she tried to act upon it I would find worrying but people can and do make mistakes , not everything is black and white...do you spend much time with your wife or does she work away a lot for weekends ?

I'm Sorry you're going through this :(

And also I think she is being slightly selfish not wanting to talk about it, you are a partnership and loyalty is a key aspect of that, you need to know you can trust her and for her to be dismissive of it is not helpful, explain this to her and ask her to consider how she would feel if she had stumbled across this information in relation to you...

You memtiomed that said she had cheated before you found the incriminating message , so is this a separate incident I assume?

If this was a woman posting then there would be an absolute outcry of "once a cheat always a cheat " and LTB !! but I don't think you'll get many responses due to you being a male ....sorry just something I've observed ...maybe worth trying a forum for dads also and see what perspective they can provide? But I can understand you wanting perhaps a woman's take on things

Thanks for the reply. We spend all of our time together outside of of normal 9-5 except some Fridays when she goes out with her friends. I don't understand why she would be upset either. If I ask she says she wasn't but the messages state otherwise.

Yes the previous affair was back in 2010

Thanks for replying, I'll see xmas through and then take stock.

It shouldn’t be a case of “she doesn’t want to talk about it anymore”. I’m sure you don’t even want to think about it, but it’s hardly that easy!

Coffiman - i think that's a sensible approach and accomodating for the children involved. I would definitely reach out to a dad forum if I were you. I know the message was from a few years ago and you've been really happy since but she's got form for well being slightly untrustworthy, if I were you I'd get my ducks in a row regardless just in case the s*it ever does hit the fan.

Thank you lefty1 - I really appreciate your time :-)

Are bumps allowed 😬😬