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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Silent treatment and I can’t go on

45 replies

Notebook11 · 04/12/2017 20:07

Posting for some advice and perhaps a few home truths for myself- have NC as this is probably outing.

DH works away most of the time, back for a few weeks at a time. We have had problems in the past with him encouraging me (at times pressuring) to go for high paying fast paced jobs. This has always been a disaster for my DCs who I then juggle round everything else as I am mostly on my own. Also when he has been home then he would get annoyed that I was working so much!

I almost had a breakdown 2 years ago and as a result I changed just bs and reduced my hours. This was better, I thought, for everyone and this year he and I seemed to be better together and less argumentative.

On the days I do work it can still be quite intensive and there are definitely times I could be better at keeping in touch. Several times now when speaking by phone he has been sulky with me and when I ask, he then explodes at me and says I failed communicate with him. This has probably happened three times this year, and it is not about what he says, but the way he gets sulky and sarcastic (telling me that everything is fine but his tone says it isn’t for example, so then I have to guess whether he is really fine and then when I ask he blows up).

Yesterday we were really busy, genuinely busy. I kept in touch, I sent texts and photos. He was sulky and then started shouting that I was bad at staying in touch overall, not just yesterday. I ended up going through our messages while we were on the phone, it honestly felt ridiculous, and then I said that as far as I could see, the messages were pretty much 50/50. He calmed down, I thought, and I explained that jumping stuff on me like this was really making me anxious.

This morning we exchanged messages, I asked if things were okay, he said yes. We spoke early afternoon, but only briefly as he was going out. I explained that I had a meeting until 7, and he said we would speak then.

I am now getting the silent treatment. Literally nothing. He is getting my messages and ignoring my calls. I now think his reassurances this morning we’re sarcasic, but I literally don’t know anymore.

I can’t take this much more. Part of me wants to resolve it, another part wants out. He is the main earner, and whilst I don’t need masses of money we rely on him. I can’t go back to working round the clock.

What do I do? Both in terms of our relationship, and any potential separation?

Am honestly devastated.

OP posts:

McBounty · 04/12/2017 21:09

OP, what have I just read? Seriously!

Your H is a control freak. He needs to leave!

This isn't okay!

My DH was in the army for 8 years. He was away more than he was home. When I went out, I was demanded to stay in contact with him through everything I did. I would speak to him when I got home, unless there was a specific reason to contact him before hand.

I'd opt for a separation. At least then, you'll have a peace in your life.

McBounty · 04/12/2017 21:10

I wasn't demanded *

Ellisandra · 04/12/2017 21:18

I'm the one who works away, and it's my fiancé who likes lots of contact (I do too - but I'm OK with less than him).

Last week I was away with a schedule and time zone and lack of wifi that meant I barely spoke to him for 5 days.

He didn't sulk.

Because he's normal, and not an arsehole.

I'm so glad you're thinking of taking legal advice.

I think you'd benefit also from talking more on here and to someone like Women's Aid to fully see that his behaviour really is abusive.

PoshPenny · 04/12/2017 21:20

This is not normal, nor reasonable. He is controlling you from afar. My DH worked away for up to 6 weeks at a time when the kids were small, it's tough going and then you have to adjust back to happy families when they return. You don't need this sort of crap on top. You don't have to put up with it if you don't want to you know, you could just change things so that you're a permanent single parent, it'll probably make like a lot easier.

0ccamsRazor · 04/12/2017 21:29

He just loves to keep you walking on egg shells doesn't he Op?

He is a manipulative controling abusive bully. Why are you with him?

Flyinggeese · 04/12/2017 21:34

OK I was trying to find some plausible reason but that was too generous to him. He's manipulative and you deserve better.

Original poster

Notebook11 · 04/12/2017 21:56

Thank you everyone, I really appreciate your comments. It's hard to read but has actually clarified my thoughts.

I will get some sleep and keep thinking.

OP posts:

RandomMess · 04/12/2017 22:02

it's really horrible behaviour, you are working, coping on your own with the added hassle of him being a man child...

LizzieSiddal · 04/12/2017 22:07

Glad you’re having a think about all this. His behaviour is just awful towards you. You don’t treat someone you love like this!

My Dh worked away for almost 5 years on and off. In the end he stopped because it was so difficult for me as well as him. But he never stopped thanking me and praising me for effectivly being a single parent for periods.

Your H should be supporting you, NOT making you anxious and upset.

PasstheStarmix · 04/12/2017 22:16

It sounds like you both just miss each other. When ever me and dh get snippy and childish like that it's actually because we're craving more together time and one/both of us needing alittle attentions and TLC. It seems like you're both stressed about the difficult situation you're in with your dh being away so much. Your dh is probably jealousy because he wants to be at home seeing dc and you get do that and he'll want to be with you Please go easy on each other....I think this is nothing a heart to heart can't fix.

Cambionome · 04/12/2017 22:16

He is behaving in a really horrible way towards you, op. There can be absolutely no excuse for this level of bullying and manipulation.

PasstheStarmix · 04/12/2017 22:16

jealous that should say

Cambionome · 04/12/2017 22:19

I think you've totally misread the situation, Pass.
He has reduced the op to an absolute nervous wreck with his behaviour.
Do you think that that's acceptable?

PasstheStarmix · 04/12/2017 22:31

I thought OP break downs were job related?

Ohyesiam · 04/12/2017 22:31

passthestarmix what did you just say?
Read the op.

PasstheStarmix · 04/12/2017 22:33

Okie dokie I stand corrected please discount my comment OP

PasstheStarmix · 04/12/2017 22:33

Apologies...

BackInTheRoom · 05/12/2017 00:10

My sentiments too @AnyFucker

notapizzaeater · 05/12/2017 00:33

Why do you have to be in touch with him all the time, I wave DH off in the morning and unless it’s urgent I speak to him when he gets home. It would drive me mad checking up on each other all the time.

MyMushroomsInATimeSlip · 05/12/2017 05:02

This is awful to read. His behaviour is abusive and far from ok.Don't be scared of the prospect of being a single parent. You virtually are anyway and speaking from experience it's far, far easier without someone causing all these problems and anxiety

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