Arghh give her an inch and she just ENGULFS

[HarrietKettleWasHere]

my mother.

Have been extremely low contact with her due to her past behaviour when things came to a head a few months back and I deleted her from social media and was holding pretty firm.

Then my lovely gran died, and was dying for a couple of days, at her home, and I got to see her and tell her how much she meant to me which was great, and I'm grateful for it, but overall bloody devastated to have lost her (we were very close,she really stuck up for me in the past when in the wake of some pretty spiteful behaviour from my mum)

anyway she was my mum's mum, (historically they didn't get on but my mum lived close by and my mum was there all the time in the final weeks) so naturally I then had to see and spend time with my mum as a consequence, then it was the funeral, and all the stuff with my mum got put aside obviously as we were grieving and trying to arrange a funeral. We then went straight back to No Contact.

A couple of weeks after the funeral DP proposed! So on a bit of an engagement high and feeling (as I do sometimes) that maybe, just maybe there's a way for my mum to realise all the times she made me feel like shit and sort of change and be properly nice, as I was planning a breif visit to my hometown anyway, I thought, ah it's nearly Christmas, I can be the bigger person, and not expect too much, and I emailed her saying let's meet for a coffee. Just a coffee, neutral territory, be cordial etc etc.

Since then she has emailed constantly with questions about lunch bookings, details of bridal shops where she's made appointments for us to 'call in', a venue I took a passing fancy to once upon a time and arranged to go there to look around....arghhhh.

It's wayyyy too much. I do not want her to have this level involvement at all. I mean I do- if she was a nice mum. But this is just about control/showing off.

I've emailed back and said really, can we just have the coffee and see how it goes. Then my brother has got involved saying she's 'crying and heartbroken' that I won't let her be involved in the wedding planning of her own daughter, and she doesn't know what she's done to deserve it, on and on- it's a well rehearsed script now.

Ahhh it can't be done can it? Does it really have to be all or nothing

Yes, I think it does. Unless you want to spend your whole engagement batting her away!

Hmm. I need to practice saying no. I can't let her back in, not really, the whole bloody thing will kick off again. It's just the guilt (although I realise she's perpetuating that)

Oh god I really feel for you! That sounds awful. Are you going to be getting married in your home town?

Yes. I just really like it there and the idea was it'd be easier for frail relatives (who have sadly since succumbed ) but may rethink.

I have deja vu!

Elope. Elope now!

I am nc with my dm, also tried having a 'basic' low level relationship but it didn't work. She didn't come to my weddings - wasn't invited and never even knew they were on the cards tbh!! No regrets at all, didn't tarnish the day in any single way. Knew the only way to have my own adult life and happy relationships was without her around. Nc for nearly 20 years now!!
I suggest you email you have had second thoughts about meeting up, wish we well but explain having a relationship with her isn't in your best interests at this time in your life.

Take a deep breath.

Call you DB back and tell him NEVER to call you and pile on the emotional blackmail, that he knows full well she isn't heartbroken, just annoyed she isn't in charge and you haven't banned her from anything, how could you have, you haven't even STARTED planning yet?

It may not change anything, but you will have final baseline from which to gauge his reactions to whatever comes next.

He may react well! I shouted at DSIS about 5 years ago, told her to wake up and accept DF is a manipulative con man and she was being badly used by him. She got angry, cried and then, after a month of silence, started successfully distancing herself... so you could get a positive outcome with your DB, if you are lucky.

But your DM? She is precisely who she has always been and you need to put yourself first. Write yourself a Post It! an email, get a tattoo... anything to remind yourself that your DM is a well practised "HarrietSquisher" by her own choice.

Your task, should you choose to accept it, is to remain spherical, resolutely unsquished!!

Oh yes, I know that cycle well.

feeling (as I do sometimes) that maybe, just maybe there's a way for my mum to realise all the times she made me feel like shit and sort of change and be properly nice, as I was planning a breif visit to my hometown anyway, I thought, ah it's nearly Christmas, I can be the bigger person, and not expect too much, and I emailed her saying let's meet for a coffee.

I've been though it many many times. As I get older the length of time gets longer between episodes of thinking Let's just DoContactThing, I'll be the bigger person and not expect too much. It'll be fine. Also as I get older, the length of time gets shorter in which I remain in contact after she inevitably starts again.

Don't beat yourself up for falling off the NC wagon. It helps to remind you that you are a nice person and she is a loon. Basically, it's her not you.

I wish it were not so but it is.

Its a pity you did not think again before contacting your mother post engagement. You really do know by now that she will engulf you yet again and tread all over your boundaries. She has trained you well really to serve her, that is also where your fear, obligation and guilt come into play. It is not possible to have a relationship with a narcissist.

Cancel the meeting forthwith, no good will come of meeting her. You need to restart your previous no contact stance. Your narcissistic mother has completely engulfed you again like she always has done and will continue to do.

Your brother has been simply used by her as her flying monkey to come in and pile the guilt on. Such disordered people like your mother often use well meaning but gullible friends and family to do their bidding for them. He needs to be ignored by you.

I would further agree with the post from RunRabbit, particularly this part:-

"Don't beat yourself up for falling off the NC wagon. It helps to remind you that you are a nice person and she is a loon. Basically, it's her not you".

I repeat, its not you its her.

It is not your fault she is like this, you did not make her this way. Her own family of origin did that to her.

I would also read the website entitled Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers; there are some sections in there on engulfing narcissists.

Yeah, I feel foolish now for letting her in a bit but I felt sorry for her. Her mum has just died. I thought she might be different in the wake of that!

Otters you may be right about eloping... not sure if DP would really go for that though. He really wants freinds and family around. As do I but the mum situation is a big problem.

I will try not to be squished in future

Just one of those things though that you think you should accept your parents for who they are and that...so I feel guilty that I can't.

Why can’t you just call her and say - “Oi mama, enough of the texts, you've got over excited, I haven't started planning yet, but when i do by the way, i will be in charge, I’m just warning you! don’t be upset- I’m looking forward to the coffee” And give her a chance to say “sorry Ive just missed you so much and I just lost my mum and Was thrilled I might not be losing my daughter after all” Like most people would with their mums? Is a bit of naggy fussing so un-getaroundable? may not understand history of this thread to be fair so apologies if this is obviously the wrong tack

Ah I'd love that ladamenera but yeah, there is a huge backstory. It can't be like 'most mums' at all. Most mums wouldn't have put me through the hell she did when I was growing up.

Ah I see. Sorry! As you were.

You have accepted her for who she is. Sadly who she is is a person who hurts you. This means you cannot accept being in a close relationship with her. That's OK. That is acceptance.