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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

Original poster

Affair & prostitutes

18 replies

Jane60 · 04/12/2017 12:21

Had a gut feeling something was wrong in our marriage for the last few years and recently started doing some digging (he was hiding phone, credit card bills, being oddly hostile to me etc). In the last few weeks OH has admitted to one affair which was quite a few years ago, but nothing else. I didn't believe him and kept digging and he finally confessed to having been using prostitutes for the last 3-4 years, at least 3 different ones. Anyone's marriage ever recovered from such a double blow? I have said I want to separate, but am all over the place and can't think straight.

OP posts:

Thinkingofausername1 · 04/12/2017 12:47

Hi op. You must be quite shocked now!
First I recommend you get an sti check straight away. Then legal advice. Depending or not whether you want to stay in the relationship...

Myheartbelongsto · 04/12/2017 13:51

Do you want it to recover?

I couldn't forgive that how grim.

Imagine him wiping his dick and then paying her and off home to you.

yetmorecrap · 04/12/2017 14:03

I wish people wouldn’t feel the need to restate the grim facts in these kind of situations, I’m quite sure OP has thought of all that shit, she doesn’t need it reiterating

BitchQueen90 · 04/12/2017 14:17

An affair is one thing, prostitutes is another. Anyone who thinks sex can be "bought" has no respect for women.

TheNaze73 · 04/12/2017 14:21

To do that to you, he clearly isn’t happy & really doesn’t give a fuck.

Why would you want the marriage to recover? You’re worth more than that

FizzyGreenWater · 04/12/2017 14:46

No. No coming back from that one.

Woman-hating scum. Total bottom feeder.

Moanyoldcow · 04/12/2017 15:43

I don't know if I could forgive an affair - I think I might want to try, but not sure I'd be able to.

Prostitutes? No fucking way.

Original poster

Jane60 · 05/12/2017 06:47

It is like my worst nightmare come true - he is full of remorse, but part of me thinks it's just because he has been caught. Such a shock, feel like I have been run over by a bus.

OP posts:

category12 · 05/12/2017 07:39

No, I think that given time and space, you'll realise it's better to quit now. You won't ever be able to trust him again. This isn't a one off or being carried away, this is the thought out buying of sex.

overnightangel · 05/12/2017 07:43

Premeditated behaviour that has been going on for 4 years, he isn’t sorry

user21 · 05/12/2017 07:44

I’m so sorry Jane60 💐

Myheartbelongsto I called you out on another thread yesterday but you failed to acknowledge it or respond. Please stop making unnecessarily cruel comments veiled with concern.

overnightangel · 05/12/2017 07:45

If you were dating someone and found out that they’d used prostitutes for years you wouldn’t carry on dating them or marry them, so why would you want to stay married to such a person.
Do you have any children?

jobjobjob · 05/12/2017 07:52

OP I should imagine you are in total shock. You can't possibly know if you are prepared to move on.

Do take an STO test, it really is necessary.

Then ask home to move out while you begin to process what's happened.

Myheart, just stop with your cruel comments. You did it yesterday and were called on it. OP needs support not cruel comments.

Worldsworstcook · 05/12/2017 08:00

Did he explain why he has been using these services? Not as an excuse of course but so you would know why he turned to them instraad of you.

cakecakecheese · 05/12/2017 08:38

Sadly I think you're right, he's remorseful because he's been caught. As well as the affair and prostitutes, he's been lying to you, been hostile toward you, secretive etc, that's a lot to come back from. Also it's a lot to deal with, no wonder you can't think straight. Is he still at home with you? At the very least he needs to leave for a couple of days so you can try and get your thoughts together. I know it's hard but is there someone you can talk to about this?

ferando81 · 05/12/2017 10:44

Forgiving what he has done is a green light to do worse.

rrf · 05/12/2017 18:50

Been there. So sorry for you- started off admitting to 1/3/5 etc. Ended up being about 30. For me it’s the sneaking around. And the fact I was totally unaware it was going on, and feeling weirdly ashamed, even though I knew it wasn’t really my problem. Be aware that there might be more revelations to come. I’m sorry to say that, but I wish someone had told me to be prepared. Obviously, I hope I’m wrong for your sake x

Original poster

Jane60 · 05/12/2017 21:19

Thanks everyone who has taken the time to reply. I am going to be checked for STIs. He is a pillar of the community type, never ever would I have imagined this but then I guess everyone says that.

I was ill at the time of the affair, and the woman involved is a known predator - not much of an excuse.

OP posts:

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