Is it my fault my husband in insecure? Or am I mistaking it for controlling? Confused & suffocated.

[dani1394]

Hi all, I’m feeling very suffocated in day to day life by my husband of 6 years. We have a 4 year old son together. Firstly I’d like to state some basic facts, I do not rely upon my husband for anything, financially or otherwise. He has been to prison for a few months by which I stood by him. There was a point in time around two years ago, where I was dealing with his aggressive outbursts very wrong, I was immature & insensitive. I made silly untrue comments in the past even to the extent I had lied about cheating on him (I have not cheated). I understand how damaging my words could have potentially been, I haven’t repeated this mistake & have much more maturely dealt with arguments and not repeated these mistakes. However my Husband now blames his insecure paranoid jealousy all on the things I’ve said in the past. He wants me to change gyms, he hates me wearing gym clothes to the gym, I have changed up my life in the past couple of years to improve myself on a whole level & will be competing in a fitness contest next year, he is also non supportive around this. He blames every negative way he feels on myself & what I have said in the past. I’m feeling very suffocated as I had felt I had proved I’d changed my ways by assuring I’ve stuck to what I promised years ago. Has my silly words sabotaged our relationship beyond repair, or is that his easy get out clause for lying to me & his insecurities in general ?

Some facts about my husband,
He is a cannabis user daily,
He potentially seems depressed because of what I have said?
He is very insecure & unhealthy.
X

What are his good points??

The blame lies safely at your dh and his drug dependency.
Walk away with a clear conscience.

He is caring & thoughtful where he can be/where he insecurities all him to. He is a fantastic father, & i believe he has a good heart beyond the issues.

Either he can Move from whatever you said years ago or he can’t.
If he can’t, he should take himself by the hand and move out.

What he cannot continuously blame yoU for any negative thoughts he has, all his insecurities etc...

What I do see is that you have turned your lifea round, have changed a lot, become more mature (all extremely good points btw!!) and he isn’t coping with the change.

If he isn’t able to adapt to those changes, then I would leave tbh. Unless you want to go back to how you were years ago (and the immaturity, less self confidence etc...)

Is it not a common occurrence with cannabis use and paranoia?

Although you probably haven't helped with the past comments you have made.

You need to walk away from the situation.

And yes the cannabis probably has a lot to do with his attitude and way of looking at things.
But again, this is HIS decision to smoke (or stop). I’m sure he is aware of all the ‘side effects’ of cannabis (incl depression etc...).

It’s not up to you to manage the issues coming from his addiction

Yeah, feels to me that you’ve moved on, he hasn’t. You may have been foolish in the past, but so was he. If he can’t respect you and believe you then it’s time to separate. I don’t think that the cannabis can help either. It makes people paranoid as well as all the other stuff.

I most defiantly don’t plan on changing back to a shell of the woman I have become now. I feel that not depending on him for anything shows I am only with him out of love, however I can not even enter our home living room if the cable man is over to fix something. The extent of his insecurity. I can not post something on instagram the only social media I have relating to fitness progress with that being an issue. I feel very suffocated & he says he can’t get over what I have said in the past, it’s stuck in his head he says. Even though I feel I’ve done all I can to assure him.

Does he smoke cannabis when your child is there.

That is ridiculous OP. you should not be with him. He is not improving your life. Get rid of him.

He doesn’t smoke cannabis infront of our child or if we are doing something family related. He smokes out doors but indeed is around our child when ‘stoned’ although he always appears to be stoned because I can’t differentiate when he is or not at all.

Why would you tell your DP you’ve cheated when you haven’t? That’s ridiculous. That coupled with his cannabis induced paranoia has probably doomed your relationship

I had said these shameful silly things when I had felt attacked and hurt & stupidly used it as some sort of defence. There has been some fairly deep lies told by my husband, speaking with his ex girlfriend a day after I gave birth to our son, violence earlier in the relationship from him, it’s been a really hard relationship from my point of view, I think I was in a fairly bad place & just chose to allow myself to say the totally wrong things. Which I regret.

Why are you even with him? This relationship sounds totally miserable

Why are you and he together at all, what is in this relationship for you still.

Cannabis may cause feelings of anxiety, suspicion, panic and paranoia. And no he is not a fantastic father if he behaves like this towards you and in turn his son. Where did you get that idea from?. Women in poor relationships often write variations of the good dad comment when they themselves have written nothing at all positive about their man. The vast majority of what you have written about him is all negative.

Is this all you think you deserve from a relationship? What do you think your son is learning about relationships here from the two of you?.

He is being unfair to blame all his negative thoughts on you and what you do; he is responsible for his own actions and choices. You did not make him do any of that and now he is further being unsupportive of you. If you do think he has a good heart beyond the issues then you are falling into either wanting to be his rescuer and or saviour traps; you cannot be either a rescuer or saviour in a relationship because neither approach works. By being there at all you enable him and his accompanying addiction further. You are in no way qualified to help him and besides which you are too close to be of any real use to him anyway, not that he wants your help.

If you are with him only out of love then I put it to you that you cannot love him better. Is this really what you want to teach your son about relationships?.

That’s what I’m beginning to ask myself. However I felt unsure If the blame for this lays with my past foolish words.

Thank you for your in-depth reply. I have recently been studying & learning about the rescuer side of relationships and how they do not help improve and only make matters worse, as if I love him this much now,

Then even if I were to try and keep helping him, it will make his issues worse. I understand I can’t be the one to help him, with any of his issues really. I feel a massive sense of guilt and responsibility over what I have said in the past. However his actions have been a lot lot worse than my words and I never use this against him. Ever.

You had a difficult period in your relationship, this is not unique, lots of relationships have hard times when people say or do things that they regret and realise were wrong. It seems to me that you have worked hard to realise where you made mistakes and make changes. He, for whatever reason, can't accept this and move on. The responsibility it with him to decided if he can get over the past and have a mutually respectful relationship or if this is something he just can't do. If he'd and then I can't see how the relationship can continue.

It is absolutely not acceptable for him to be hiding you from the cable guy, deciding what gym your u can go to or restricting you social media use. This is very controling behaviour and just not on.

Gosh, what a lot of typos. Sorry

Thank you for your reply, yes I feel that the points you made are unacceptable, cable guy ect. That is why I am feeling so suffocated like anything I do may upset him or cause an argument. Nobody is perfect but I feel like I am almost not allowed to just peacefully be myself without questioning if a picture I have taken will cause offence to him, this may be a fairly posey picture but only fitness related. He thinks I just want to apeeal to other men, he has problems with the followers I have, who aren’t even in the same country & I have no idea who they are, just fitness related pages who chose to follow me. Every time I return from the gym I see a look in his eyes like he is questioning if have spoken to another man or something, makes me feel like locking myself away or running away. I’m finding now, all of this, very very overwhelmingly difficult to keep dealing with.

How do you intent to parent your dc about the dangers of drugs and addiction when the df is such a figure?
When they realise and reveal to a teacher you could have Ss in your lives.