For those of you that have rebuilt your marriage after an affair....

[queencerulean]

Hi. I’m on a couple of other current threads and getting great support after h told me 6 weeks ago he’d had a 9 month affair.

Despite thinking I’d want to divorce him, it’s not such an easy decision with dc involved and I’m not ready to throw the towel in just yet. I’ve given myself 6 months to make a decision.

Today is our wedding anniversary. If you’ve rebuilt your marriage do you celebrate it? I’m struggling to see how it can ever be a celebration again knowing that he trashed those vows. I’m struggling to see how i can ever move on and rebuild the marriage.

But I know people do. I know it’s not easy but right now I need some positivity that it is possible. That you can indeed be happy together again...

Hi I am not further down the line, 13 weeks form discovering a 3 month EA. We are now at the stage of talking about trying again. We have changed a lot about how we communicate over the last 3 months and it has had its ups and downs but we have seen each other in a new light. It’s still early days but we are talking about what would have to change if we moved back in together and are spending more time together. This is completely not what I thought would happen but like you I think it’s worth exploring before we make a final decision. Only you know what is right for you, it’s easier to end things I think but I m pleased I have decided to see how things go, time is a healer.

I’m 4 years into finding out and I find Anniversaries, Christmas and Birthday cards the hardest things to cope with. I can’t celebrate as I found out our entire marriage was based on a lie, and cards for husbands state how every year it’s better, more loving blah blah blah. So I just find a nice card, and write thinking of you. We don’t celebrate anniversaries either. This works for me, but I’m sure for many this would be a no go. Personally, just do what you need to do, go at your own pace. Wishing you peace. 💐

I didn’t give myself a timeframe in which to forgive him knowing it’s different for everyone... but 18 months on and I just can’t get over the fact the trust is broken. We don’t celebrate anniversaries or birthdays... it just feels wrong and sets me off again. Our 2 anniversaries since I discovered his affair have been meaningless and a horrible reminder of the promises he has broken.
Andanothernamechange... that’s how I feel too.
Today will be a really tough day for you Queen... good luck and stay strong

Thanks all again for your kind words. I think I’ve realised today that I will never celebrate our anniversary again just as I will not put on my wedding ring again. It’s interesting that some of you celebrate other days and I have thought about having some kind of commitment ceremony if we make it (just the kids not s big wedding type thing).
He sent flowers today. I’ve left them on his doorstep with a letter telling him I cannot keep them as they are just a reminder of what should have been. I also said that I’m not sure what the point of them was? Probably if he hadn’t bothered I would have wondered why not so in a sense he can’t win! I did say though that a letter or handpicked gift would have been nicer than a bunch of unimaginative flowers.

What I do find interesting is that many posters feel that the anniversary means nothing because the vows have been broken. There are other vows too, and many people break these in different ways.

For me, it’s the amount of time and hurt that means the vows are broken. The lies, deceit and betrayal.

Yes queen I do get that. You don’t have to have an affair to break those vows though.

OP. This is probably the first thread that I've replied to on affairs. I couldn't stand to read any of them, until recently. This one is on my watch list though, and I wanted to post for you.
I'm sorry you're going through this, its a terrible thing

I'm nearly 3 years on, and we get by day to day, and it was OK at about a year in, however it's just down again. My DH quit his job (OW was a colleague), and found a new one within the month. We've worked through a marriage programme. He's turned into an amazing husband and I know he's so regretful of his actions.
I'm still broken over it. I don't show it mainly, as I think I've done enough of that. I try not to think about it, it just comes to me in one way or another most days. I'm just very sad about the whole thing.

I hope whatever you decide makes you happy OP.

I must have deleted a whole paragraph there, between the last two. I had to come away half way through typing, so probably happened then.
I don't know if we'll make it. My DH is desperate to, I just think it's such a big thing.
The other shock to me was how alone I suddenly was when I decided to give it another go. Everyone rallied around me when it was happening, and then it was just hugely awkward for them I think, though I tried my best to make it not so. I feel like they assumed I was now suddenly alright about the whole thing
It's a very lonely place to be.

StarsAreMine
Sorry to say this, but I struggle to understand why you would stay. I mean I am sure you have good reasons. But what you've said sounds very very sad and it's been 3 years.

I don't know Worried. I think I'm hoping that I'll feel OK one day soon. I deeply loved him, and really did my best by him before all this. I had everything I ever wanted. I thought we were so special, and I really want that feeling back.
Since though, I feel like my feelings are dulled by the hurt and I'm waiting for it to get better. What will I do otherwise? I'll be heart sore even if I leave really, except so will my lovely children.

Starsaremine I’m 2 years in and completely and utterly get what you’re saying.
You ask why we stay Worried? I can only speak for myself but leaving wouldn’t make me feel any better. For me, there’s a sadness that I can only compare to bereavement. It happened and there’s nothing I can do to change it.
Leaving would probably just make me sadder.

OP I'm sorry if my posts seem a bit hopeless. I don't want to make things harder for you, and I know these posts are difficult to read when you are going through it yourself. To hear about people years on still struggling is daunting, I know

If I could give you one piece of advice, having had hindsight, it's be utterly sure that you are able to move on from something like this if you choose to stay. The longer you try, the more blurred and difficult it is to leave for a fresh start. It's possible, of course, to leave at any point. However, I clean cut is less confusing for you.

The other thing is to expect nothing other than excellence from your DH. Mine has been faultless since then, and I wouldn't have stayed otherwise in the first place. It's hard enough as it is, without them continuing their frankly shitty selfish behaviour. If he's sorry, you'll know it deep down.

user21 for you too.

It is quite sobering how many people carry this burden .. years of carrying this sense of betrayal, inadequacy and pushing on mainly for the sake of a stable family life. How can anyone celebrate the anniversary of committing to someone who so seriously betrayed you??? Especially when, as is often the case, they blame you, denigrate you in the process? Good luck OP - don't settle for any less than gives you emotional security - so many do.

It’s interesting how things are perceived Megthehen because what you have said doesn’t describe my life or how I feel.
There is a sadness but the burden can be managed if you share it or put it down for a while. I certainly don’t feel inadequate and have never been blamed or denigrated in the process.

Megthehen, this is precisely why I early on decided not to tell anyone. I don't think people can understand why others might stay and I am not sure I could either before I was faced by the situation.

I have friends stuck in marriages I would walk away from. The partners have nothing in common, hardly speak to each other or argue all the time. I don't understand why they stay, but I do not comment because life is complicated.

Queencerulean, I've sent you a Pm.

Queen how are things now? I hope you're feeling a it clearer on what step you want to take next

2 years on and we do celebrate our anniversary. The first one was early days and we were still separated. He sent me flowers and I sobbed but I would have sobbed if he hadn't as well. Yes it's hard but the fact we are where we are now is testimony to our marriage, one worth fighting for and one worth celebrating that we've made another year! The discovery of the affair took so much (and still does at times) so It's also important to me that I don't allow it to take from me any more.... yes he broke his vows (he is not the first and won't be the last - sadly) but I haven't broken mine - for better for worse. God I sound like Mother Theresa 😂 - I can assure you I'm not but celebrating and acknowledging our anniversary feels like a positive thing - it's not like you are going to forget the date so if you don't celebrate then it becomes a very sad or angry day. I'd rather not let that happen...

User21 yes - that's it exactly.... "Leaving would probably just make me sadder." I love that! Thank you