So much going on, will I cope?

[Humptyhump1]

So tonight, I've had a glass of red wine thrown in my face. Screamed at, told I'm useless etc etc.

I'm exhausted, I'm at rock bottom, I want out.

There is red wine all the over the walls, which he will go mad at. Even though he did it, it'll be my fault.

So much history, so much nastiness, so much hate of me.

I feel so dreadful.

Not sure what I expect you to say or do.

Which I'm doing perfectly. - dancing to his tube.

Ok, I hear you. Tomorrow (or later today) is the start. I can't say I'm not scared, but I've just looked at myself in the mirror. I'm a pitiful and sorry state, my hair is full of red wine. The room has red wine everywhere, it's a total mess.

My mental health is shot to pieces and I need to live in peace.

Tube = tune

He controls you, insults you, then cries and begs because he needs you. He needs you around to be his emotional punching bag and no doubt run his life for him. He makes you feel shit about yourself so you feel you can't leave... but you absolutely can. Your kids are grown, you own property so hopefully have some equity there, you're golden. The easier your circumstances become to leave, the more he will abuse you to keep you around. Who cares jf he wants it to be over? He doesn't get a say here and it's his doing. Go and start your awesome new life.

OP do you have family or friends you can stay with for a while? In different surroundings, with people who actually care about you - you will get proper rest and may finally gather the strength to leave for good. You are, as PP's have said - his emotional punch bag, an 'object' he can control and use to let his full, vile personality pour forth. I hope you can see that. He is hardly keeping you in this appalling situation out of love, is he?

Then do just that!
Take back control of YOUR life.
You do NOT have to live it like this for a moment longer.
Of course he doesn't want you to leave.
Who's going to do all of his cooking, cleaning, washing, ironing, shopping, etc.....?
Who will be his emotional punchbag if you leave????
You do NOT need his permission to leave.
You are a grown up and you can leave all by yourself.
Please do phone around some local family solicitors and get a free half hour and see where you stand.
You may benefit hugely from calling Womens Aid.
They can help you see this for what it is.
You CAN get the old you back.
But not while you are with this vile abuser.
Get out. Do it as quickly as possible and embrace yourself and your new life of freedom.
It can be done.
It's not gonna be easy.
But YOU CAN do it.
This is a big first step, posting on here.
Now it's time to take action.

You need to leave. Been there, full bottle of whatever shite he was drinking over my head. I was so humilated. It escalated from there so if it's anything like my experience you need to get out before he tries to kill you. Emotionally, he's already done that but you can get that back if you get support and leave.
It's always recommended but read Why Does He Do That? By Lundy Bancroft. It will answer a lot of questions and address the confusion you're feeling right now.

I've given him every bloody opportunity to end this.

Sod that. Take back control. YOU end it.

Go and see a solicitor as soon as you can. Arrange somewhere else to stay. Even if you just leave with the clothes on your back, get away from him as soon as possible. Can you stay with one of your kids? Do they know what he's like?

You can do this, Humpty. We can help. But you've got to be the one to end it.

PS: Don't clean up the red wine either. Leave it for him.

He doesn't have to let you go. You can just go.

Been in your shoes OP. Wine over head, plates of food thrown at me. It always escalates. You can do this.