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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

What's worse being in this relationship or being a single mum

21 replies

Belame · 02/12/2017 23:25

I'm a new mum to a beautiful 3month old baby girl but every since I got pregnant I am slowly realising that my partner is drinking too much.

We've only been together for 15 months, he proposed after 3 months and I find out I was pregnant 2 months later. We had a really great relationship up to that time but when I got pregnant I soon realised our old relationship was so based on going out, seeing other childless friends and having a few drinks. Well whilst I stopped drinking, he would drag me out to the pub all through my pregnancy and would get drunk. I was alarmed by this but now it's even worse, we have a baby and he is out between 3 to 6 times a week, having drinks. I caught him drinking on his own a couple of times when I was doing night feeds. I told him off and he tried to tell me it was because he was bored and he wasn't going out anymore. I pointed out that he was going out plenty and it was a poor excuse.After that it got better, but this week again, he got home on Tuesday at 12:30 and led to me that he got back at 11 (I'm cosleeping with the baby so he's staying in a spare bedroom). Tonight again, he's back my late, and i can hear him in the bathroom knocking this over and making lots of noise. It's so embarrassing, my mum is staying with me at the moment to help with the baby and I'm sure she'll be asking questions tomorrow and I'm so tired of covering him. I feel like such a failure, I was married before and we split up because he didn't want children, now I have a child but with someone who is completely irresponsible and possibly an alcoholic. I'm 35years old and I feel like this is not where I want my life to be. I'm scared of breaking it off, but I can't be with am alcoholic. I feel like I really didn't know him well enough when I got pregnant and now I don't know whether to carry on or break it off. Just to add, he doesn't really help me with our dd, he's helping financially but he tried giving her a bath od holding her when drunk and I just took her off him, to which he three a pillow at me accusing me of wanting to keep her away. I was so upset I didn't even feel safe at my own home, I wanted to run away. The next day I got my dd in the car and started driving for miles and had horrible thoughts of ending it all. I keep getting myself to be strong for my dd but I don't know what's worse being in this relationship or being a single mum

OP posts:

chatty1234 · 02/12/2017 23:33

A single mum although difficult is 100 times better than being with a man who drinks all the time. Do not let him near the baby while drunk he's not capable of looking after baby.

Donatello68 · 03/12/2017 00:11

You will really be far better off on your own. It won’t be easy but, you and your daughter will be happier in the long run, I promise.

SlartyFarkBarstard · 03/12/2017 00:16

Yes get away from him single motherhood is 100% better than this.

mila87 · 03/12/2017 00:17

Honestly being a single mum is hard as fuck sometimes BUT it’s 10000000000 times better than being in a shit relationship. No anxiety of when he is going to come home drunk and be a dick etc.

GetYourRocksOff · 03/12/2017 00:23

He's helping financially? Nope nope nope

elephantoverthehill · 03/12/2017 00:27

'Read the 'What's your Dh/Dp done today to piss you off thread' tonight. I didn't post but felt a bit smug. Belame you know what you want.

zsazsajuju · 03/12/2017 00:29

Better to be a single mum. It's hard but rewarding and you won't have to tolerate this anymore. You can totally make a better life for yourself and your daughter- he's an alcoholic who is not even trying to get help. You sound really unhappy in your relationship. You'd be better off on your own.

INeedNewShoes · 03/12/2017 00:32

By the sounds of it you're functioning perfectly well as a single mum anyway all but financially and you can find a way to make the money side of things work.

I'm a single mum (though admittedly by choice) and I rarely feel that it would be made loads easier by the presence of a husband. And when I do think it would be helpful to have a husband that only applies if it were to be a useful, responsible, capable, kind husband!

disneydatknee · 03/12/2017 00:33

If you stay with him, you will end up feeling like you have another child to look after. Having a child has changed you and your priorities but not his. But before you do anything, please talk to him about how you are feeling. Tell him he needs to step up and start putting you and the babies needs over his need for going out and getting drunk. I have done the single Mum thing after being in a very similar relationship where I made all the sacrifices and his life carried on as normal...it’s hard work but ultimately you can get on with it as you please, no butt hole man child standing in the way.

BitchQueen90 · 03/12/2017 06:25

I'm a single mum and leaving a shit relationship when DS was 10 months was the best thing I ever did. Of course it's hard work but life is better.

SheRaaarghPrincessOfPower · 03/12/2017 06:29

I've been in a relationship with an abusive alcoholic. It got to the point where I couldn't trust him with the children, I got very depressed and isolated. I was the worst period of my life.

Been a single parent for two years now. Leave this awful man.

sandytime · 03/12/2017 06:37

Hi op I'm very sorry you are in this situation. I know it is easier said than done but I would 100 percent try to distance yourself and your child from him. Nothing good comes from living with an alcoholic. You will always be on edge wondering if he is going to come home drunk and disorderly or if you are going to return home to a drunken, abusive husband . I wish I could have given my own Mum this advice! My childhood was horrendous because my father was an alcoholic and it's really damaged me and my siblings, also my mum is an extremely nervous person. Don't let this become your reality too op, please

sandytime · 03/12/2017 06:39

Also being a single mum will be difficult until you both adjust to it. Living with an alcoholic lasts a lifetime and is much more unpleasant.

peanut2017 · 03/12/2017 06:57

Please don't stay on this situation. It doesn't sound safe for you or your daughter both mentally, physically and emotionally.

This is what your life will be like? Always on edge and wondering what mood he will be in and if he is drunk.

Coming from someone who grew up in an alcoholic house, please don't put yourself or your daughter through this. It will effect you both for the rest of your lives.

Please tell your Mam and she can help you get out of this situation.

Ohlellykelly · 03/12/2017 08:40

I hope you find the strength to leave him. I had a similar situation to you, reading your op brought back memories.

I asked my exh to leave after he became like this, and now when I hear of him behaving this way I feel so glad that I no longer have to live with him.

You can do this

AttilaTheMeerkat · 03/12/2017 08:57

Better to be on your own than to be badly accompanied and there are many red flags here re him anyway; the quick attachment of a proposal to you after only 3 months being just one of many. He is an alcoholic and you have spent way too much time already covering for him (which is a behaviour that many people end up doing. Doing that also is enabling him) Do not make this the lifestyle for your DD either going forward because she won't thank you for doing that.

Break ups can be difficult but you really do need to get this man out of your day to day lives now. Life with an alcoholic is lurching from one crisis after another.

You need to work on your own boundaries in relationships going forward as well and the Freedom Programme run by Womens Aid could help you in that respect also.

Talking to him about his drinking and or otherwise asking him to now step up is a waste of time. His primary relationship is with drink and not with you or your child.

MoseShrute · 03/12/2017 11:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Biddylee · 03/12/2017 11:42

A few comments:

You aren't a failure - lots of us have got together with the wrong guy for many different reasons. It happens. Be kind to yourself.

Having a kid is a huge adjustment for a bloke - it's hard enough for us women, but they don't have the 9 months of growing a life to 'ease' them into it. My ex was quite stupid with my daughter when she was a baby - like trying to bath her in cold water in a cold room in winter. He didn't get angry with me - that's not him but his disinterest or lack of understanding was really hard work. Anyway - none of it excuses poor behaviour - this is just an observation.

Alcoholics are alcoholics. He won't change unless he wants to. Leaving and being a single parent is the better option.

However, just because you aren't together doesn't mean that he can't be a good dad. He can put your child to bed, and take her out when she is older.

My ex has a drink problem but he does some good dading. I can't count on him for lots of things but he does seem to have some fun times with my daughter and she loves him lots. So it's not all doom and gloom. But yes, as a single parent you will find yourself entirely running the show.

Hermonie2016 · 03/12/2017 11:53

Be brave and accept that you didn't know him but be grateful for dd.

It will be awful for your dd to grow up with a drunk dad, alcoholics are unpredictable and selfish.
Without him on a day to day basis you can provide stability and safety for your dd.

Tell your mum, she might initially be upset as everyone wants their child to avoid pain.
Focus on the positives and take action.If he gets sober you could try again, sadly its unlikely as if he is over 30 change is unlikely BUT he won't change his priorities when there is no downside.

TheMamaYo · 03/12/2017 12:05

Oh my gosh, being a single mum is more work, but it is not at all horrible OP. In fact, it is a whole lot easier than I thought it would be. Plus, you know your daughter will be safe, you have your mum who is willing to help on occasion, and your partner will still have to contribute financially. Kids are much better off in a happy house, it doesn't have to be a 2 Parent house.

Wavesandsmilesagain · 03/12/2017 12:18

Being a single mum, with hindsight, is so much easier than being in a relationship with someone unsupportive. I am in control of our family environment and don’t have to worry about an unstable adult influence, arguments, uncertainty... the “new normal” takes a while to adjust to, but for me it’s far better.
I actually feel a fraud when people say they can’t believe how I do it (working full time, single mum to 4) but genuinely taking out the stress of a relationship, the fact that I’m raising my children without debating parenting strategies etc means I find it straightforward.
Financially it’s challenging, but I’d not swap how things are now for an extra income (and stress)

It sounds to me like you know that you’d be better off just with your baby, at least for now. The stress and worry would be reduced and that is such a huge consideration. You seem to be doing most of the actual parenting anyway...

Good luck with whatever you decide

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