Noticing behaviours from my DF

[Leo07]

I don't really know how to word this but I'll try. My DM and DF have been married around 25 years.

They've never really any what I would call 'serious issues' but lately... Something's bothering me and my DM. Myself and DM are extremely close, best friend's, we talk about everything. She's been telling me the way DF has been treating her and I don't like the sound of it. What I seem to be getting from what she's saying is emotional abuse. I'll list and describe some of the behaviour and hopefully you can relay it back to me and give me a clearer picture of what's going on-

*He pointed out some dust in the house (left a note by it)
*She's financially reliant on him (partially), he gives her money when she goes out but makes a fuss out of it. E.g. assumes what she will spend the money on, counts the amount in his head and then gives her what he thinks she needs.
*DM is also a grandmother and has DN A LOT! If he gets home from work and DN is there he will mouth something to her or give her 'a look', walk away and silent treatment her, making it what DM says, "an uncomfortable egg shell atmosphere".
*I noticed the other night he was talking very abruptly to her but not me (one word answers)

I'm sure there's more behaviours but I haven't had a full proper conversation with DM yet. I'm aware of emotionally abusive behaviour and when she started to tell me about there tiffs bells started to ring in my head. I told DM today I think DF is being emotionally abusive and she's started to keep a close eye on him, she thought this is just how he was. Apparently I've "planted a seed" in DM head she said but I replied "have I? Or maybe I've just highlighted the behaviour!?".

I'm stuck here, I'm scared of getting it wrong... I'm scared of causing something between my parents that I shouldn't? Should I continue to intervene? Should I continue to point out DF behaviour? As a daughter I won't let any of this behaviour continue be it from my DM or DF!

Sorry that turned out to be quite lengthy

Is this really a recent thing OP, or behaviour that's been going on for years and years?

Hiw old are your parents, personality changes like that can often be early signs of dementia.

I think it's getting worse but to my knowledge the only thing I can say for curtain is I know the financial problems started once he had to do all the housekeeping bill's, DM had a mental breakdown many years ago so he took on the responsibility of the paying the househ bills. There both 50, definitely not dementia

Well it sounds shit for everyone OP. Id definitely continue to challenge, but also be open to the possibility of dementia, or even depression.

Thank you for replying Userplusnumbers I will keep an open mind. Thank you

No problem. Equally, he might just be being a shit. Your mum is lucky to have you for support though!

Yeah probably, he is generally a very lovely kind hearted 'do anything for anyone' self sacrificing man so I just think maybe he's letting his attitude get carried away a little. I'll have stern words either way. I love them both to absolute bits and I'd point out if it was the other way round. We are lucky to have each other, my DM'S DM is the same 😊

Intervening in your parents marriage is a recipe for disaster, what do you think will happen, he’ll change because you tell him off ?

Normally on this site parents relying on their children for support is regarded as emotional incest

In your position i’d Encourage your mother to seek employment and interests outside of the home but not get involved in their relationship.

perhaps he is worried about money op
perhaps he is tired when he comes in and doesnt want the dn there?

oh a re-read and he is worried about money.

Northernparent68 emotional what now? Can you explain what that means please.

"He will change because I tell him off?" I'm not going to tell him off, me and my parents are very close if I was to sit down with my dad and have a conversation about behaviour I've seen he would listen to me. We all go to each other for support and advice. Thought that was what family was for?

Slartybartfast to be honest, his dad is what shall I say... 'tight fisted' so I think it comes from his upbringing.

Many abusive people however, can be very plausible to those in the outside world. He being a "generally a very lovely kind hearted 'do anything for anyone' self sacrificing man" does not count for anything if this is what he is like at home to his wife and in company also. Street angel, house devil is perhaps a good description of him and I think he has always been abusive towards your mother. She unfortunately has had years of such from him and may not ever choose to leave him. I would also cite his behaviours towards his wife re money as financial abuse also.

I would stay well out of their relationship in terms of having stern words with your dad because it could all backfire on your mother and you very badly. Your mother needs to talk to Womens Aid but that has to be her decision to make.

Ok so I've just read a little about this emotional incest, this hasn't been going on my whole life just to add, I had an amazing upbringing, a very happy and privileged childhood. I'm 27, myself and DM are very close as myself an DF are. My DM does have chats with DF but at the same time I am also there to support each of them through anything. People have commented in the past on how lovely and supportive our family is.

Sorry AttilaTheMeerkat X posted. I guarantee it wouldn't backfire.

He may well agree with what you say to him but may soon revert to type.

Also what does your mother want going forward?. Does she want to stay with her H or to leave him?. You can support her but I would keep your boundaries clear and consistent with her too, you are her daughter not her best friend.

DM had a mental breakdown many years ago
Abusive partners often cause, or target and exploit those with mental health vulnerabilities - something to consider.

I wouldn't interfere in parents marriages. Mine's alot worst my DM inherited loads of cash, my F financially abusing my DM for years everything is bought for him, new car, bungalows, yodel delivering ding dong every day for him, she on the other hand has no say has to seek his approval first or he will kick off.

She'll never leave and can see clear as day what he's like but won't do anything about it so no point trying same here I'll assume

I regret writing emotional incest, but I still believe it’s unwise to get involved in your parents marriage, you could learn something you’d prefer you had n’t, what will you do if your father denies treating your mother badly, or if he says she’s abusing him.

I dont think you should be criticising her relationship like this to her unless she is specifically asking for your advice tbh. Its crossing the boundaries. Their relationship is not a thread on mumsnet for people to decide the woman needs telling to leave.

He left a note by some dust - that is not a normal thing to do. If that is a new behaviour he may need a health check.