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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Opinions on husbands behaviour please. He left last weekend

21 replies

Sparrowlegs248 · 02/12/2017 19:41

I have been trying to separate for over a year really. A few weeks ago he finally understood that I was serious and he left last week.

In a nutshell, he has been controlling in an underhand way (reacts badly, sulks etc if I do something. I end up not doing it again etc) critical. Very critical of everything and everybody. Negative . Probably depressed a fb very anxious at times, refuses to seek help. Unsupportive. No input into parenting really. Isolated me from family and friends. (I'm embarrassed describing this as it doesn't describe how I am, or was......)

So. Day 1 I got several texts varying from loving and nice to nasty and horrid.

Day 3 he came round to see the baby and talked for 3 hours. He knows he's got issues etc etc. I told him he needed to help himself. He is very much hoping for a reconciliation.

Day 4 he phoned, he'd been to the Dr's and referred for counselling. He's going to go, apparently. Wants to set a better example to our children etc.
Day 6 he wanted to come with me and kids to a birthday party. He's never shown any interest in this sort of thing.
Tomorrow own he wants to come and "spend some time" with us . I really don't want him to. I'm enjoying time without him. But I don't really feel like I can say no.

Wtf is he doing? I want him to leave me alone. I know we have to have contact because of the children and they are very youngood but it's been just a week.

OP posts:

C0untDucku1a · 02/12/2017 19:44

Say no. He is trying to control you. Go out if necessary to avoid him.

yawning801 · 02/12/2017 19:45

He's desperately trying to worm his way back into your life so he can carry on being controlling. Don't let him. Send him a text saying "Sorry, no can do, going out with the kids tomorrow." and do just that! Prove to him that he is not needed.

Lovemusic33 · 02/12/2017 19:49

You need to say ‘no’ and tell him that it really is over, tell him it’s great he’s seeking help but it won’t make any difference to how you feel.

My ex husband did the same, at first I felt really guilty as it seemed he wanted to finally put in the effort, sadly it was too little too late as I had made my decision. It was 100% the right decision.

Seeingadistance · 02/12/2017 19:55

I agree with pp.

Say no, you have other plans.

Don't go into details, don't let him start a debate or negotiation about it.

You've separated.

Original poster

Sparrowlegs248 · 02/12/2017 19:58

Thank you. I have this tendency to believe that he doesn't know what he's doing. It IS too late for me. I spelt out that he needs to do things for himself. Not for me. Not even for the children. I don't think he's getting it.

OP posts:

c3pu · 02/12/2017 20:03

Now's an excellent time to say "No. Now that we've separated we need to establish some appropriate boundaries"

just5morepeas · 02/12/2017 20:08

As others have said i think he's just trying to control you.

I'd try and make sure any contact he has with kids involves you as little as possible. He should be taking them out or to his own place not seeing them with you in your home. If he persists I'd tell him you only want to talk about the kids and if he still persists you might have to ignore anything that isn't about the kids.

Original poster

Sparrowlegs248 · 02/12/2017 20:11

I haven't engaged in the texts a day I've told him I won't. He overthinks and over analysis everything so I have been keeping it to a minimum.

OP posts:

lanbro · 02/12/2017 20:26

My stbxh is like this. Only separated 6 weeks ago although it had been coming for a long time. Initially veered between devastation and anger and is now being the most amazing dad and kind thoughtful man. He has hopes of reconciliation and wants to have a huge when we drop kids off and gets upset when I don't want to do things as a family!

It's all very frustrating as had he been like that all along we wouldn't have got to this point! I'm actually pretty angry that he's obviously perfectly capable but has chosen to leave everything to me!

I've had to he pretty harsh and tell him too little too late, that I don't want to hug him or have him do little things for me. I have totally checked out of the relationship and am 100% happier on my own, I feel like a different woman.

I guess it's probably hurt and fear of the unknown, he can't have been that happy either...no advice apart from stick to your guns. Don't feel guilty. Life is short, don't be unhappy and don't put him before yourself

Annelind · 02/12/2017 20:37

Ianbro it is very telling that so many women feel the way you do after seperating from a hitherto useless DH/DP.

lanbro · 02/12/2017 20:44

Annelind I'm just glad I live in a time where it's perfectly acceptable for women to leave a marriage, I hate thinking how many unhappy women there were generations ago when it just wasn't possible!

mineofuselessinformation · 02/12/2017 20:49

Communicate by email. He will know you're keeping a paper trail and, hopefully, will tread carefully in his responses. (If he doesn't, you've got evidence of it, so it works both ways)...
Email him and tell him you'd like to set up a proper arrangement for him to see dc (I see you've got a baby, so this will need to be taken into account?) Suggest some times and days that would be good for you and him. Tell him you would like to make an arrangement you both can stick to.
DON'T let him just come into the house - he's intruding in what is your home now.

Original poster

Sparrowlegs248 · 02/12/2017 21:02

Lanbro I do feel angry that he's doing it now. Far far to late. It's taken me a long time to end it, and I could only do so when I realised there were things and behaviour that, regardless of how "good" he was being now (and he was for the last few weeks) I still couldn't get past those other times.

Unfortunately last week I did say he could see the children at the house. He disagreed at the time. But they are very small so I thought it easier. Regretting that now.

OP posts:

lanbro · 02/12/2017 21:37

Ah the lightbulb moment, I know it well...ironically we were getting on better than we had for a while when I ended it, which is probably why he's so thrown, but no matter how good the good times were the bad times wiped it all out and slowly eroded all my love for him.

Oldraver · 02/12/2017 21:41

Unfortunately last week I did say he could see the children at the house. He disagreed at the time. But they are very small so I thought it easier. Regretting that now.

You are allowed to change your mind. Put it in writng that you think it in the best interests of the DC he sees them outside the house

DownTownAbbey · 02/12/2017 22:04

Definitely ok to change your mind. You don't need an ex cluttering up the place and it gives him way to much opportunity to inject himself into your life.

Nothing says it's really over like a nice divorce. Get thee to a lawyer!

Original poster

Sparrowlegs248 · 02/12/2017 22:11

Haha yes I know I need to see a solicitor. He's gone back to parents for now and I really really want him to be renting somewhere before I make any moves.

OP posts:

PyongyangKipperbang · 03/12/2017 06:36

He wont rent anywhere, he still thinks that the charm offensive will work and he will be back, so he has no need to.

You need to take control here and move things along. You cant force him to do anything, so all you can do is what is best for you.

See a solicitor to get the ball rolling because until you do he wont believe that you are serious, he will continue to ride it out until you "get over it" and let him back. A word of warning though, as soon as he realises that you are not joking and do intend to divorce him, the charm offensive will be OVER, and he will turn nasty. I guarantee it, so I suggest that you start access visits at his parents rather than your home now, as it will be harder to keep his nastiness away from you when he is in your house several times a week. Oh and he will threaten to go for custody of the kids, ignore, they all do that.

lanbro · 03/12/2017 07:25

Mine wouldn't move out, I called his bluff and I did!

Isetan · 04/12/2017 09:56

You need to detach emotionally from him and trying to interpret his motivations suggest that you haven’t. He's waiting for you to change your mind, like you’ve done in the past and his strategy is to suffocate you until you do. Therefore you need to stop letting his actions dictate your thinking.

Why can’t he see the children at his parents? Every action you try to gently ease him into the new normal, is behaviour he will interpret and use to manipulate you. Draw up a contact agreement that doesn’t involve your input, the sooner he understands that his children are his responsibility when they are with him the better.

Detach, detach, detach.

Allsortsofspuds · 04/12/2017 13:25

I'm having similar at the moment and I'm growing stronger with seeing it as yet more control. Contact is awkward for me as I have no one but myself to facilitate it but if you have his parents, I would use them as a go between.

I really feel for you op, I really do I'm trying to do what's best for me kids yet the hugs etc are starting to really mess with my head. I'm actually dreading the next contact day.
I may even cut it down to once a fortnight.
What don't these men get about the word splitting up!

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