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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I am jealous of my daughter

16 replies

ksmum · 19/04/2007 14:23

How sad I feel writing that. But its true.
DH and I have been together 15 years, married for 10.

We waited a long time for daughter. She is lvoely, and idolises her Dad. he in turn idolises her.

Thing is I feel like she has replaced me in some ways. I always used to say to DH that he needed to cultivate other relationships more: I am really sociable and he is not and although he has a few close friends he is never the one to organsie seeing them etc. I used to feel he was quite happy with just me and wouldn't care if he never saw anybody else.

So now I think that he has her, she is hsi one thing.

I always come second. I know this is inevitable in some ways but he does things like pick her up early from the CM to take her for a picnic and then when I come back from work he says oh I've got work to do and disappears upstairs, whereas if he hadn't picked her up he could have finished by the time she and I were home.

I feel like she and his job take up so much of his energy he has literally nothing left for me. He seems to avoid me in the evening and goes up in his office or wathces tele. I reckon I get to actually converse with him for about 10 minutes a day and quite often that is from another room.

I have tried talking to him about it and he says I am the same. But I'm not: when dd is around she does get most of the attention (being as she is 2 and therefore needs more) but once she is in bed I feel like that should be our time together. And he just doesn't seem bothered.

I sometimes feel like he would be happier with a paid housekeeper, as that is what I feel like (though I am also main breadwinner).

This is just a rant, but I have been feeling really depressed and teary about it the last few days.

OP posts:

sandyballs · 19/04/2007 14:27

I've had moments likes this with my DD's and DH, so completely understand where you're coming from. The rational side of me thinks its lovely that they are so close, but the irrational side is jealous and wants him back. We were also together a long time before our DDs (who are now 6), so maybe that's what makes it harder - having had our DH to ourselves for so long and then having to share them. I think it gets easier - I have less of these moments now they are 6 then when they were 2.

You do need to try and get him to do more with you when you are alone though - does he talk about it?

ScummyMummy · 19/04/2007 14:28

Aw- poor you. Have you felt like this for a while? I think issues adjusting to being a family rather than a just a couple are really common with under 5s. Stressful stuff. On a really pragmatic note- do you and your man spend much time together? Maybe getting a babysitter (if that's realistic financially)and spending some time together without dd would be a good move?

BigGitDad · 19/04/2007 14:37

He has got to be careful as his world will come crumbling down one day when she is older and starts having boyfriends etc.
I'd also be worried if he was turning her out to be a clone of himself if you see what I mean in that DD does not want friends but just him, am I making sense?
I have a daughter myself who will be four soon and absolutely adore her but I know one day that relationship will have to change as she will not be Daddy's little girl anymore, nor would she want to be.
I think the idea of having a meal out etc would be a good one if you can get babysitters etc.

WigWamBam · 19/04/2007 14:39

I have to say that, from an outsider's point of view, the picnic thing sounds a lovely thing for him to do for her. Look at it from his point of view; how much nicer to come home early, spend some time with the daughter he loves, then get the rest of his work done. What you need, though, is for him to do that for you sometimes.

Talk to him - tell him exactly what you have written here. Show him your initial post, if you can. Then both of you need to work on things - find time to be together, get a babysitter and have a nice meal out, just a bit of time where you don't have to be mummy and daddy for a while.

At the moment your daughter does need more attention, and it's right that he spends time with her - but if you don't get time with him too, it starts to become the norm that you don't spend time with each other, and then it's hard to get back to the relationship you had before. So you need to address this with him now.

It also sounds to me as if you're not only jealous of your daughter, you're jealous of your dh for being able to spend all of this time with her. You and your dd need to have time on your own together, just as your dh does. It's my dh's position in reverse; he idolises our daughter but the time that he spends with her alone is rare and precious. You need to have some of that special time with her as well, it shouldn't always be your dh who gets to spend quality time with her.

sweetheart · 19/04/2007 14:44

I think you should organise "date nights" where you and dh go for a meal or a drink or to the cinema - anything so long as it's quality time on your own.

Do you have anyone around that could babysit once a month?

Ifonlyhewould · 19/04/2007 15:22

I think you should organise girls nights out. Start leaving him in his office and to babysit. Go to the pictures, to the gym anywhere, just start showing some independence away from the home and him. My bet is he will soon start showing you some attention

Original poster

ksmum · 19/04/2007 15:25

Thanks for replies. I'm not really jealous of their time together, think that applies more to him than me. I have a whole day with her on my own that he doesn't get and often he works w/e and some evenings early mornings so he sees her less anyway.

The other thing is that she worships him and treats me like an old sock if you see what I mean, so it comes from both ways. But she's 2 so I can forgive it more readily.

I know the picnic is a lovely thing to do, its just he does it maybe 3 times a week. And then he disappears while I do all the cooking cleaning etc.

Its also just his atitude: when he looks at her his face lights up and when he looks at me he glazes over.

We have been out a bit on dates but I'm afraid we have also had a few scraps (10th wedding anniversary being a case in point, which was rather depressing). I think it may be worse than just a few dates can fix.

The problem is he doesn't think there is a problem.

OP posts:

FioFio · 19/04/2007 15:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster

ksmum · 19/04/2007 15:56

Yes I do know what you mean and there's another thing that is something men usually moan about i,e, no sex any more.

Quite funny really when you look at it like that.....

OP posts:

skidaddle · 19/04/2007 17:26

ksmum, it sounds to me like you're not really jealous of your dd but rather sad that you dh doesn't appear to feel as strongly as he used to about you (although I'm sure he does - he's just not showing it). That would make me very very sad too. I think the only thing you can do is have a ig long honest conversation about it and see if anything comes outof it. It's not fair to treat you like this and he needs to realise that. Good luck xx

thegardener · 19/04/2007 18:27

set a date when you both have no work commitments next day & say to him i want a special romantic night just the two of us as i feel we need to spend some time together, ask him what he'd like, organise your evening together, cook his and your fav or get a takeaway, open a bottle of sparkling. maybe more relaxing for both of you to stay in than book a table @ a restaurant.

my dh & i love food & enjoy organising & preparing what we're going to eat, or if we can't be bothered we order an indian takeaway, scrummy!

they do say the way to a mans heart is through his stomach!

Incubationunit · 14/06/2007 14:32

Dear mums,
I am new to this board and found it because I was feeling jealous of my daughter and she isn't even borne yet! Ever since we found out she was a girl on Tuesday my husband has turned to mush and is talking to my bump like he used to talk to me! It really worried me that this is how the rest of our marriage is going to be. It's been great for me to see all of these threads as i don't feel so unnatural anymore. I do have some ideas though which i would like to share, and which i am planning to try for myself!

Instead of staying home and moping (me) amd going to get out and do things with friends. Husband does what he likes while I sit at home feeling fat and unnattractive, so am going to get out more. I suppose if you feel happy and contented people are more likely to want to me with you!
Work on self-esteem. It's difficult to compete with a baby, and we shouldn't have to! We're bigger than this - let's start appreciating ourselves a bit more as mature beautiful women.
Take proper vitamins - lack of Vit B can make you depressed, so a good multi-vit would be good. ALso Bach flower remedies are really good - cheap, available from Holland and Barrett and I think they work well. www.bachshop.co.uk/catalog/index.php/cPath/32 There! I have inspired myself. (wink)

expatinscotland · 14/06/2007 14:34

Aw, maybe you should talk to someone, a counsellor, perhaps?

binkleandflip · 14/06/2007 14:43

I remember when I was pregnant I was in a panic thinking "this baby will come between us, it wont just be us two anymore" and then, when I had her, I was so in love and smitten that in some ways I wish he would just butt out and leave us two to it . Our relationship is similiar to what you talk about and I think it's a case of wanting the relationship you had but being unable to re-establish it in the new formation of three.

I think you have to work hard to spend time together. When we have time alone, just me and him - say if our dd is away at a friends or with grandparents, we remember what is was like to be in a relationship with each other and not just be parents and we spark and it's great.

I think perhaps you and you dh need that time away from your dd too. Not just in another room. Especially so he can refresh his memory to the fact that he has you and you are the amazing, wonderful woman that he fell in love with and who gave him the gift of his beloved dd.

expatinscotland · 14/06/2007 14:44

that's a good point, binkle.

dd1 was born only 14 months after dh and i clapped eyes on each other, so there weren't years of 'just the two of us'.

i think it made the transition easier.

TigerFeetFormerlyCheesyFeet · 14/06/2007 15:00

God you sound like me ksmum, although dh doesn't take dd out on her own and she isn't so one sided with her affections, dh and I have been having problems and my feeling atm is that he only stays with me because of her. He is also a homebody that doesn't need anyone else other than dd (me??) and his parents in his life and it drives me mental.

I think the date nights that someone further down the thread has suggested are a great idea, my friend (BabiesEverywhere on here) and her dh do it and she can't rate it highly enough. They go out once a month, the weekend after pay day. We have babysitter/cash flow problems though so don't do it.

No advice really but didn't want you to feel you were on your own.

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