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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Partner kissed other women

16 replies

Wiley01 · 02/12/2017 10:06

Hello, I wondered if anyone could help me. I'm not a mum but I know mums give the best advice and that's why i'm here!
Me and my partner have been together for 6 years. We bought a house together 2 years ago and have been renovating it ever since, still living with our respective parents. He lives about an hour away from me and we saw each other at weekends etc.
We moved in together three weeks ago after the longest 2 years ever! It was amazing, he's my best friend and we were friends before we became a couple.
A week after we moved in, he had a pre-planned night out with work and I had a pre-planned night out in a different city with some girl friends. The next day, when I arrived back at our new house together, he was behaving very strangely. For the next 4 days I pestered him and said that I knew he was hiding something. He admitted that once, a year ago, he got very drunk on a night out and kissed another girl. He said that he felt so sick about it and didn't know how to tell me so he wrote it off as a one off and knew he would never do it again so didn't tell me.
I still didn't believe him. I pressured him more. The next day he then admitted that on the recent night out, he got drunk and kissed 2 other girls. He said that the first one was a random girl that his friend was dancing with and he started dancing with her instead and kissed her. The second one was a work colleague who randomly kissed him, but he didn't stop her.
I genuinely don't know what to do. He is heartbroken and keeps getting upset and telling me that when he gets that drunk he isn't himself anymore. He has promised me this is the truth (I do believe he has told me everything now) and has told me he will only go on nights out with my permission, he will take me if I want to go, he will stop drinking and he will see a counsellor as to why he needs to get so drunk that he does this. He says its only ever happened on the 2 occasions (last year and the other night) and he was out of his mind drunk on both occasions. I don't know what to do. I am hurting so much as I didn't realise that he could do this to me. Am I stupid for thinking that this will never happen again, or that he didn't mean to do it? Please can someone help me. Thank you.

OP posts:

Piglet208 · 02/12/2017 10:13

Well he seems to have succeeded in becoming the 'poor victim' of alcohol without taking any responsibility for cheating on you. I personally would find it hard to trust him again especially as this has happened when you've just moved in together and should be in the 'honeymoon' stage. If I were you I would be channelling my anger before making any decisions.

mylittlepony6 · 02/12/2017 10:19

It seems to me that he has confessed to ease his own guilt.
Just give yourself time, you don't have to make any decisions immediately.

Littlelambpeep · 02/12/2017 10:24

I wouldn't pursue the relationship - sorry. It didn't happen just the once. Where could it lead. Did it end in sex?

Heartofglass12345 · 02/12/2017 10:37

I would have a really good think. You would be worrying every time he went out with his friends, wondering if he was going to do it again. Then you will probably end up coming across as paranoid and controlling because you have a problem with it. I personally couldnt go on, but i understand thats not an easy decision to make.

Happyclappyme3 · 02/12/2017 11:24

These new rules going forward are no way to start a living together scenario. I couldn't live my life living like that. You either trust or you don't. Unfortunately he can't be trusted without stringent rules.

Angrybird345 · 02/12/2017 19:05

Ltb

SonicBoomBoom · 02/12/2017 19:13

He is heartbroken and keeps getting upset and telling me that when he gets that drunk he isn't himself anymore.

I think this is bullshit. Sorry OP.

He's a lying cheating bastard.

And seems to have some sort of insecurity thing going on where he has to "win", eg be better than his friend by pulling the girl he was dancing with. Just like a 15 year old would do.

He's pathetic. You deserve so much better.

eggsandwich · 02/12/2017 19:16

I’m sorry but you shouldn’t have to police him when he goes out, he should be able to be trusted but unfortunately it seems he can’t be.

I think you need to think long and hard if you could honestly trust him if he went out with his mates again, plus he obviously can’t control his alcohol intake and is this likely to happen again ? most probably.

MadMags · 02/12/2017 19:18

Am I stupid for thinking that this will never happen again, or that he didn't mean to do it?

Short version; yes you are. Please don’t put up with this shit!

Greedynan · 02/12/2017 19:27

He's messed up big time. The seeds of doubt are planted and will grow. And the 'permission' thing re going out, it's all wrong. I'm so sorry xx

gamerchick · 02/12/2017 19:29

People only confess the bare minimum they can think they can get away with. I wouldn't believe he's 'just' been kissing anyone.

DontBuyANewMumCashmere · 02/12/2017 19:37

I think these are harsh responses and tbh only you will be able to judge if it is genuine remorse and he is unlikely to ever do it again, or if he's a creepy chancer and will do it again and again.

I once snogged a colleague on a drunken night out. I had a BF and we were living together and about to move to another part of the country and I was about to leave my job and all my friends behind. I got drunk and made a mistake.
I went home and cried about it and told him (BF) straight away what I'd done and how sorry I was.
He accepted my apologies and we went ahead with the move and it all worked out - we're now married and have a child.

I wouldn't describe myself as a pathetic lying cheating bastard...

Some people make genuine mistakes and don't repeat them.

Babyblues052 · 02/12/2017 19:40

Agree with Sonic he's a liar and a cheat. He's done it more than once he will do it again. If leave him. He has no respect.

SonicBoomBoom · 02/12/2017 20:58

Some people make genuine mistakes and don't repeat them.

And some make the same "mistake" three times, like the OP's DP.

teaortequila23 · 02/12/2017 21:57

To think if he was so remorseful the first time the second time defo wouldn’t have happend.

I would not pursue the relationship if this was me bc simply the second time shouldn’t have happend if the first was a weird mistake. Also he’s blaming it on alcohol I have been drunk of my face many times and never once cheated on my husband. Lastly if he says oh I will not go out without your permission this will just cause strain on your rship as u won’t trust him so u will say no x u can’t go out on Saturday then u will argue / his friends and family will call u controlling etc and u will be the bad guy when I’m reality he’s a stilly sod who can’t keep his hands off other women.

One more thing I don’t trust that it was just a kiss at all surely there must have been more... eg, touching, sex whatever.

CardinalCat · 02/12/2017 22:12

2 years to renovate? Was it Buckingham Palace? I'd be asking myself exactly what else he's been getting up to while you lived apart. Cheaters only ever admit to the very bare minimum that they think they can get away with. In your shoes, I'd be getting an std test and putting the house on the market having told him to go fuck himself.

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