I just want to be desired and to desire

[endofus]

I have been with my partner for 10 years, we have 2 DC aged 4 and 6, we are not married. For the past 4 years we haven't shared a bed, we never have sex, we don't kiss, we don't cuddle, we don't even touch. I don't feel attracted to him anymore so don't want any of this and he obviously feels the same or he'd want some intimacy/physical contact but there really is nothing.

I know he doesn't want us to split up, we live a comfortable life, we both work hard and when we are not working we are doing things for the DC. And I don't want to break up the kids home, he lives for them and would want full custody as would I, plus their happiness is the most important thing at the moment.

Anyway, what I am getting at is that I am feeling lonely - in a relationship sense - and want someone to desire me and find me attractive and I want to feel those things too. I want a physical relationship but not with my partner and I keep fantasising about this. There is no one in particular I fantasise about and I'm certainly not going to go out and try and find this - I'm hardly someone that particularly attracts male attention.

I don't really know why I am posting. Are my feelings really unusual? I think I will just have to wait till the DC are older and then one day I might leave and look for this relationship I crave but it seems such a long way off...

Hi endofus, in similar situation here. Don't know the answer. So many relationships seem to end up in this way that it almost seems inevitable. Yet one finds oneself in an established life, with family and financial ties. What's the answer?

It seems one has to either accept the compromise of the sexual relationship and that desire fades or one leaves. I don't condone it, but you can see why people get tempted by other people in such situations. Have you discussed with your partner? Sorry, no real advice. People say work on the relationship but I'm not convinced these feelings can return after discussing this problem with friends. I reckon it's far more common than discussed openly. People deal with it in different ways depending on many factors: libido, career satisfaction, financial situation, other interests, health etc. Would be interested to hear others' experiences.

Why don't you consider discussing an open relationship with him?

Sex? It happens I think. But no kisses, cuddles, hugs, touching of any sort? I kiss and hug all sorts of people I care about.

I think you need to think seriously about bringing your children up in an environment with no physical affection at all between their parents. Even if you could live with it.

This is much much more common than you think. The early years with small children are difficult. You're busy and exhausted, you've lost that sense of yourself as a woman rather than a mother, plus 10 years in the sex has gone a bit stale (sex with a new partner is inevitable more exciting than sex with a long term partner).

Fantasising about sex with someone new is absolutely normal. I bet your partner does it too. It's harmless unless either of you act upon it.

You can just ride this out. Things will improve as the children get older (so long as neither of you has an affair, which is really really common at this vulnerable stage in the relationship). You could make an effort to reconnect - start sharing a bed again, instigate hugs even if you're not up for sex, make an effort to be nice to him and do nice things for him, start doing something together either as a family or just for the two of you. If all that seems too difficult, consider some couples counselling.

Now then, in regards to not being married, where will you be financially if you split? You do need to have plans for where you will live and how you will support yourself and your children if it does all go pear-shaped, even while you are making the effort to hold the family together.

In the same situation here. No bed sharing for 2 years. No sex. No intimacy. It’s depressing and lonely. I feel like a lonely old woman. I worry what impression this is giving our DC and I feel like my DH is becoming a stranger. We’ve argued so much these last two years that it feels impossible to put it right. We both adore the DC, have a nice home etc..it’s just all a bit boring, repetitive, lonely...so totally understand what you are going through