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Original poster

DH's comment: AIBU?

19 replies

doobadodobedoey · 01/12/2017 21:02

Might sound very petty and I may sound very unreasonable but I'm a bit tired of not feeling like DH is on the same team as me.

DH does his bit around the house, but I can't help but see a bitter resentment peeping through now and then. I guess I've grown into a feminist the older I've become and I don't accept DH not doing his bit in the home.

Our washing machine isn't working properly at the moment and after each washing cycle, we have to wipe out the drum and put it on a plain empty short wash. So this afternoon I put a small load of washing in, DH came home and whilst I was cooking, emptied the load into the tumble dryer. He forgot to clean the drum and put the machine on an empty wash afterwards and I only remembered when I'd gone upstairs to run myself a bath once all jobs were done. I called downstairs to DH to just wipe it out and put the machine on as I had no clothes on at this point. He came to the bottom of the stairs and said "but why? You were the one who put the washing on in the first place, so you should do it!"
What?!
I was gobsmacked.

I just crack on with it regardless of who put the washing on in the first place. It's really infuriated me as it just highlights again that DH is not a team player and is continually point scoring between who did this and who has done that. In my mind, we help each other and that's it! I'm not speaking to him and we're sat in different rooms. I've no idea how to tackle this ridiculous attitude he has. I'm tired and pregnant and can not be bothered with getting into an argument about it, but I'm fuming.
AIBU?

OP posts:

Quartz2208 · 01/12/2017 21:04

YANBU

Northernparent68 · 01/12/2017 21:19

Would it be better to spilt the tasks rather than manage how your husband does tasks. I suspect he did n’t like being told what to do. To be honest not talking to some one is a bit childish.

GottadoitGottadoit · 01/12/2017 21:26

YANBU

Babyblues052 · 01/12/2017 21:30

My God it's exhausting being pregnant (at least that's how I felt) and you need all the help you can get. What a lazy shit. YANBU. Stop washing his clothes since he's the one that got them dirty, I'm sure his attitude will change!! He's being a man child.

Original poster

doobadodobedoey · 01/12/2017 21:34

I wouldn't be willing to split tasks northern, that does not fit with me at all. It would be like living as housemates rather than us being on the same team. That being said, we do have our own evenings for cooking etc, but if you can't wipe something out and press a button just because it's "not your job," it's time to give up.

OP posts:

TammySwansonTwo · 02/12/2017 04:35

Totally understand - in a way it's difficult when your OH is hands on because society tells you that you should feel grateful for how much they do, even if the amount they do is significantly less than you do. My DH is generally very good but there are things that he doesn't do and it drives me bonkers. However, I would really lose it if he said something wasn't his job because I started it - how bloody ridiculous. He should be helping out more and being more proactive.

deepestdarkestperu · 02/12/2017 07:26

I suspect he was also sat down and relaxing while you were in the bath and didn't really appreciate being told to get up and do something fairly insignificant in the grand scheme of things.

Ignoring him isn't going to solve anything though. Personally I would have just sorted it once I got out of the bath - it's not exactly an arduous task that's worth falling out over!

Joysmum · 02/12/2017 07:34

I wouldn't be willing to split tasks northern, that does not fit with me at all

But it fits well with others who prefer it this way and your dh might be one of them.

AliceWhatsth3Matter · 02/12/2017 07:44

He sounds like a teenager. I can see why you're angry op.

The time it took him to argue the point he could have spent swiftly wiping out the machine while his pregnant wife took a bath.

Why do so many posters defend these men-children who have to be so carefully managed?

FinallyHere · 02/12/2017 08:27

Why do so many posters defend these men-children who have to be so carefully managed?

I'm not sure about this one....I don't expect to be expected to be told to do things now in my own home. If we are going to make a comparison to work, that sounds a lot more like micromanagement than careful management to me.

I have worked for one person who was like that, and it was horrible. Very glad to report he was let go and we were all much more comfortable at work, once he had gone. By no means am i saying that it is easy to work out who does what in a partnership, but agreeing areas of responsibility and having autonomy over that area is the model that is mostly agreed to work best.

It means that you can decide that needs to get done and by when, or how and when it is going to get done. It isn't as 'efficient' as someone just directing the 'workers' but it is a more effective model between two equal adults.

If you start by expecting tasks to just get done, without the upfront discussions, the project kick off if you like, you may find yourself just mucking in and doing the majority yourself. Then you wonder why he isn't pulling his weight. When this happens at work, as it does, that is the manager doing all the work and the 'workers' sloping off, everyone sees that its wrong. It takes a lot to get out of that model again. Usually only possible with quite a lot of support to change. It is generally recognised as a failure of management...

That turned into a bit of an essay, and I see that Joysmum has already covered the same ground, a bit more succinctly, you could even say 'efficiently'. Sigh.

Believeitornot · 02/12/2017 08:32

Sort of YANBU but was it an issue if you pen your dh wasn’t going to use the machine immediately?

I recognise the housemates thing. My dh is a bit like that - but I think he likes to take full ownership of a task as opposed to sharing. It does annoy me though when he will only do what he thinks is “his” job and doesn’t chip in. I think it stems from his upbringing where he didn’t help out with chores at home - it was his mums job or he only had to tidy his stuff. Whereas I had to do loads around the house and we all helped each other.

I suspect it was his comment more than the fact he didn’t do it which pissed you off.

Iris65 · 02/12/2017 08:33

I would be angry about his reply too. The time he spent asking and arguing could have been spent dealing with the washing machine.
While it isn’t a dealbreaker in its own it is concerning.
I would sit down with him when you are both relaxed and discuss with him how you feel about his behaviour.

Northernparent68 · 02/12/2017 09:02

I do n’t think any one is defending a man child Alice, the other way of looking at is the op is being controlling. Why is laundry a two person job, why does she get to decide what gets done when and to what standard. Having some one micro manage you is infuriating, and probably unrewarding for the micro manager.

Babyblues052 · 02/12/2017 09:08

God sake I don't think she's micromanaging Anything! She's pregnant if you've ever been pregnant you'll know how exhausting it is. Even doing housework for a short time makes you just want to put your feet up!! She had already done her fair share I don't think it's unreasonable for her to expect him to chip in! She growing a human! I think she deserves for him to help her out some more no?

TammySwansonTwo · 02/12/2017 09:30

Yeah, except he's not a colleague or an employee, they're partners and asking someone to do a quick household task is not controlling FFS.

PlateOfBiscuits · 02/12/2017 09:34

The way you ask is everything.
Telling someone to do something immediately is very different to, “Are you free to do x?”

YellowMakesMeSmile · 02/12/2017 10:18

Why couldn't it have waited until you got out the bath? Pregnant or not he's not your slave. You started the job.

If he was doing a job and left it half done and then shouted to you to finish it whilst he had a nice bath would you have been happy?

WateryBintDistributingSwords · 02/12/2017 12:32

Just split the tasks. You're making a rod for your own back if you insist on supervising everything "jointly" instead of just both having things you do separately.

deepestdarkestperu · 02/12/2017 14:55

Of course he can help his pregnant wife, but he's not he employee. It didn't need doing right that second, so why not just leave it? Nobody needed to use the machine so cleaning it wasn't urgent.

I would resent being told to an unnecessary household when the person who'd started that task was relaxing in the bath. If it was urgent, like turn the stove off or something, sure, but not to "clean the drum of the washing machine".

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