Has anyone known an emotional abuser to change?

[medicellen]

Some years ago I came to suspect that my husband was emotionally abusive. After reading books and these forums (many-a-time), I came to know it for sure - it is textbook. Hearing other women's experiences helped me to understand that it wasn't me going mad.

A year ago we went to counselling and I had hope (perhaps naively) that things could change and that he realised what he had done. There were some good times and then, as you probably expect, it all crept back again. If it weren't for my 3-year old son I would have gone long ago - but I don't want to ruin his world.

Yesterday I told my husband that I didnt want us to be together. Today he has been in pieces (as the books say they often are) and has begged me to give him another chance. He "will do anything" (as the books also say they will say). I have virtually no hope that this can be resolved - already too much emotional scarring. But as a last and final ray of hope, I wondered if anyone had experience of abusers changing.....

No and the cynic in me says that Leos bloke is only a year in and there is still time
As other posters have said the abuse can change in it's nature but it's ever present. I spent 4 years with a narcissistic psychopath. I kept leaving and he kept trying to change. Each time he managed to last a bit longer and a bit longer but I would have to live 500 years for his good behaviour to last long enough for me to stay with him. Leaving him was very hard though and I missed the nice bits of him desperately but looking back, that was part of the pattern of course.

Is he actually going to report himself to the police or was that a big 'drama statement'?

I would personally expect him either to backtrack or him to be thinking you will be so moved by his important gesture of the heart that you will say 'Oh no darling, you don't need to do that, don't go to the police!'

Instead you should be 'right have you bagged up all the weed then? When are you ringing 101, I want to watch you or it never happened'

Even if they do change , you always live with the fear that they'll revert back, so you'll be walking on eggshells whatever happens.

At the moment my head (and heart) say leave, but i am cautious as what will happen once he knows i am sure. I am aware that this can be a trigger for an escalation of abuse but it just seems so unreal when he has not previously been physically violent. I am thinking about asking someone (perhaps my brother) to come and stay in the house when I make it clear

And how the heck do I tell a 3 year old why mum and dad aren't together anymore?

I agree about taking care as once they have nothing to lose.....
I gathered my stuff and left when he was out at work. He had got physical with me once and I knew for certain he would have done so if I had left while he was there.

You tell your ds what is age-appropriate, which is something to the effect that sometimes married people don't stay married. The whys aren't really the important bit - what the child needs to know is they are loved and safe.

What category12 stated. Even at the age of 3 your son knows that things are not good between you two but does not know and cannot express why.

You already have said that if it was not for your son you would have gone long ago. I would argue that it is for your son as well as you to both leave your H now. He can if he chooses still be an involved parent to his son when you are separated.

My dad was an emotional abuser.

My childhood was awful because of it, and it has scarred me.

In his 80's he was still abusive to her. Just before she died she said "I don't know what happiness is".

She could never find the strength to leave, and she wasted her life.

Please, don't be her.

3 is actually a good age to leave, he will have little memory of mum and dad together and won't blame himself.Older is more difficult.I left because I had to show my son that men can't act like his dad.
As my son got older my ex would use him to gang up on me.It really can get much worse.

On the question of change, my counsellor explained if the abuse flows from depression then there is at least a known path of treatment.May not be fixed however so there is always a risk of a return.My sisters husband is in this category, ok if he is on medication but angry and awful when not.
However if the abuse is a result of personality disorder it is not likely to change and no known effective therapy/treatment.

My ex went to counselling for a year and like others learned the language of abuse..which he turned around on me.
It made it worse as he is in the personality disordered category and was triggered to anger when I said No or anything other than Yes.
If he can change why can't he change whilst you are apart? This would be the most appropriate path.Since you feel afraid of him I think you need to separate as your gut instincts need to be followed.

Thank you for your messages

Loveka - that is very sad. I have projected forward to being your mum and don’t want that

Hermione - it is reassuring that sooner would be better

Hello

I know this is an old post but I'm interested in how your life is now? Did things change? How is your son?