Why am I such a freak?!

[loopyloowithaboo]

Wasn't sure where to post this but hope its ok here.
I'm 25 and have had two year long relationships before, both to arseholes. My mother was in a violenbt marriage for 15 years and he cheated on her a lot, as did my dad who left her for the babysitter and as a result I have a lot of male trust issues and find it difficult if not impossible to form relationships.
I'm a lone parent to ds who's 3, his Dad dare I say was a fling and ds was an accident. Had a few dates and a fling over almost two years ago now. So it has in fact been 2 years since I last had sex and i'm feeling highly frustrated!
There's a guy I like and we had a fling (no sex) 6 years ago, he's been single for a year and works in a pub down the road from my house. I find it impossible to act 'normal' around him, blow hot and cold, verging from completely ignoring him to getting drunk and being all over him on the verge of making a prat of myself. Then if we do have a half decent conversation I aviod going in the pub for weeks on end! This has been going on since October! Its crazy, i'm going to be alone forever if I don't sort this out!!
Thanks for reading, sorry its long!!!

Message withdrawn

You're not a freak!
It takes much more than this to make a person into a freak. (believe me!)
You've just been unlucky in your love life so far, but you have realised why the problems lie. Have you addressed any of the male trust issues? Councellors etc?
And as for acting like a prat in front of the bloke you fancy, that is totally normal behaviour! But you probably think you are acting odd when really you are acting normal.
I dare you to ask him out (away from the pub) somewhere!

Well to be honest I left out the worst part which was when I was sat down and he was behind the bar, he looked over and smiled - I felt so anxious I more or less ran out with my head down (to avoid eye contact) missed the door and smacked straight into the wall. I can laugh about it now but took about 2 moths before I went back in their!

I did have counselling but I didn't click with the lady, she must of had loads of clients and couldn't remember me from one meeting to the next and she just wanted to discuss what had happened between meetings - when I tried to mention my mum she insisted any issues their was her stuff and not mine. Not very helpful. That was a counsellor my Doctor referred me to, I couldn't afford to pay for sessions privately.

i think you should try and find a decent councellor.do you have sure start in your area?i was reffered to my local sure start councellor by my HV a couple of years back cos the councellor based at my gp surgery is crap.

working on your self esteem/trust issues will help you,as arseholes tend to seek out vulnerable women.

as for the bloke you fancy,i think you should defo ask him out and come back and tell us what he said

We do have surestart and I didn't know they done counselling - well saying that my sister went to them for PND workshops so they must do. I'll give them a ring, thanks.

What if he said no, it would be awful. I'm going to go in their for a drink tomorrow, so maybe i'll hint around the subject. Afterall it should be obvious I like him after all he touching (arm) I was doing when drunk last month! Oh god, makes me cringe just thinking about it!!!

Thanks to you all for your advice.

Loopy - we have all done daft things round blokes we fancy. Ok, walking into a wall is one of them, but at least he remembers you! & at least he smiled at you BEFORE you walked into the wall, and not AFTER!

Ok, I went in the pub last night and he made obvious efforts to come over and chat a couple of time, but not sure if that's any indication as he's such a friendly guy anyway.
Anyway by the end of the night i'd had a few and said a few stupid, if not insulting things i.e telling him he has an obvious bad dye job!!!
This is never going to happen at this rate, seems like we both blow hot and cold!
Anyway I've had this idea of sending him flowers with a card asking him out??? What do you all think??
I know its a girly thing, and i'd love it if a guy done it for me, but is it appropriate for a girl to send a guy flowers??

I don't think I'd do the flowers, just because if it doesn't work out you'll feel even worse.
I shouldn't worry too much about the insults or the acting strange, if you had a fling before he presumably knows the real you, and is still coming over to chat so must like you? I would just try not to have maybe more than one or two drinks, enough to relax a bit but then stick to soft in order not to get outrageous and feel terrible afterwards.
I can totally relate to the freakdom though, it is my modus operandi unfortunately.
I also second the suggestion of finding a different counsellor - it may take several tries to find someone that suits you but if you want to work through your early relationships with your mum and dad, ask for a psychodynamic counsellor rather than CBT or person centred. There are many places that will offer counselling on a sliding scale of fees according to means, you may well have a final year student but under supervision. Whereabouts are you?

I'm in Devon. It would be great to work through my issues, it gets so lonely on an evening when ds is in bed, couldn't stand to be like this forever!
I had a look on the surestart website and couldn't find any info on them offering counselling.
How would I go about finding student counsellors?
Thanks for your advice.

my councellor is under the local sure start,rather than national.ask your gp if there are any other councelling /psychcology services you could be reffered to if not.

have you got this guys mobile number?i know its a cop out but texts are often a less embarasing way of asking someone out or letting them know you're interested

Ok thanks, i'll book an appointment with the doctor on Monday, even if they refer me to the same place as the crap counsellor, maybe they'll have a different one for me to talk to.

We haven't swapped numbers, its so difficult as I only see him while he's working and its always busy. That's why I thought the flowers would be a good way to let him no I like him, without adding any pressure by doing it face to face. I could put a note saying 'So i've sent the flowers, now you need to ask for a date!' and my number.

Then again I can see how it might be weird to send a guy flowers - doesn't feel quite right, like its preserved purely for women.
Then there's the risk of feeling completely crap if he doesn't call.
I don't care about being too embarrased to go in the pub again as I only go their to see him anyway, much prefer the pubs nearer town.
Oh I don't know know what to do!! Wish my love life was easier!

Your love life may well become easier when you have worked through the issues that your parents have foistered upon you. We learn about relationships first and foremost from our parents - both your Mum and Dad taught you some very damaging issues, small wonder you are affected now and have acted out destructive relationship patterns. Not your fault, anyone who grew up seeing such poor relationships would reneact same in their adult life.

You need to fully work through these issues before embarking on another relationship and continue to make the same mistakes as you have to date. The patterns that you have learnt need to be "unlearnt".

Counsellors are like shoes - you need to find one that fits. You need to find someone that you can be totally honest and fully work with. It will be at times both painful and emotionally difficult but this is something you need to do if you want to have a truly happy and fulfilling relationship. You can also teach your son good relationship lessons so he does not go on as an adult to make the same mistakes.

BACP are also worth looking at re counselling. I'll put up their web address for you.

www.bacp.co.uk

I think you need a complete break from men for a while until you have worked through your issues. You may keep making the same relationship mistakes otherwise and it is not up to a man to "fix" you. A person cannot act as a rescuer or saviour in a relationship - it simply does not work. Most importantly you cannot keep a relationship currently, you have a lot of emotional baggage to work through via counselling.

It will get better for you once you work through your childhood issues but you need to work on your own self first. Love yourself for a change. Then you can start to properly love another.

I wish you well.

i had a complete break from men for over a year whilst i had councelling and worked on self-esteem issues.i still have alot of issues and problems with paranoia now but im no longer attracted to or being taken advantage of by total bastards.

however,going without sex for that length of time did result in me looking at quite a few dodgey websites of an evening..

at the memory

Hey, sorry for late reply - have just got in from work and thought i'd check in for 5 while chilling out with my coffee.
I do agree with what your all saying and thank you so much for your advice, it helps to know there's some people in similar situations and that counselling helped, its just a case of me finding the right one.
divastrop - i've alreay gone just over 2 years without sex, and dare I say the last time was with someone I met from a dodgy website Luckily the guy was really nice, not an avenue I wish to pursue again through.
Thanks again.x