Would you help?

[Positivelypeachy]

Evening all!

Long story short, I split up from my dh a year ago through alcohol and drug abuse last year. We have two dc who he has let down CONSTANTLY (to the point not even buying my dd a birthday card). I could write a novel of the shit he's put me through.

I've said all along he needs help but he turned it round on me. Except tonight something was different. He has called me begging me to help him. Saying he realises he's going to end up dead and that I'm the only one who can help him. He was crying and something in his voice was different.

I realise what he's done to me and my children and I don't think we can ever turn the clock back but would you offer him support so he could get back to being a good father?
One part of me wants to murder him for what he has done to my kids but a tiny part wants to get him help.
Any advice would be a massive help!

I ve been there and you cannot help him. What he probably means is he wants to come back because life for him is easier that way. Don't cave in, he can only help himself.

Out of interest , how has he asked you to help, what does he want you to do?

He's tried going to the gp but they weren't much use.
I've suggested therapy as this is an addiction he has and he kind of half heartedly agreed. For the first time tonight he has admitted needing help but the goes on to say he needs his family or he won't be able to do it, my point is he should be doing it for his family.

Tell him it’s great he’s realised he needs to change and give him the number of the local drug and alcohol support service. Don’t become his crutch. Only he can can do this. Tell him you’ll be concentrating on raising the children until he can be a positive influence as a father and wish him luck.

No! He may be desperate but his addiction has manifested in a new manipulation.

Tell him no. Even if you tell him the hard start needs to come from him first..... on his own.

Please don’t put your kids through any more.

If you try to help him, it will only enable him

You have been too enmeshed in his dynamic, so it will NOT help him. It will just go back to Groundhog Day.

He needs do do this for himself. I think deep down you know this and that is why you are posting.

Tell him it's nice he has seen that he needs to get himself sorted and wish him luck. Stay well away.

Don't be lulled into a false sense of security . Just because he's making all the right noises , doesn't mean he will follow through.

I think he's realised that his life is now going to be harder because he hasn't got you running round after him. Personally , I think he's just feeling sorry for himself and has no intention of changing otherwise he would be doing everything to find help , not just a quick visit to the GP.

No!
So he can get clean but only if he has you? Massively manipulative.
Let him get help first. Then, when he is showing he can be sober, he can be a good father.
He's an ex. Not your job to support him.

No I wouldn't. He has to take responsibility for himself

He probably did get helpful advice from the GP but has just said they weren't helpful because it means he's got to stop drinking and he doesn't actually want to.

Before all of this, we were the very best of friends not just husband and wife. When I left him, I thought it would give him the kick up the arse he needed but instead he has turned into something much worse.

But you are all right, thank you very much. He is coming around in the morning for a talk. I am going to tell him, I can't help him. If he means it this time, my door will be open so he can build on his relationship with my children but they should be enough for him to do this once and for all. Thank you

You can't make an addict kick the habit. Only they can do that. Leaving him won't make him stop.
Don't have him in the house. Really. Meet somewhere neutral.
You sound incredibly fair and reasonable. I hope he can pull it together. Your kids deserve that.

I personally wouldn't engage with him too much- not until he's shown real commitment to taking the right steps.

Talk in a public place. Maybe he means it. You can't make it happen.

Rehab.
Drug and alcohol counselling.
Narcotics anonymous. Alcoholics Anonymous. Find him the times and places near you for meetings. Pop into a couple of Al-Anon meetings yourself. The folk there will make it really clear to you that this is not something you can help with, and that by doing so you would be enabling him further.
The most support you should give is provide him a list of contacts for these services.
If he wants to change , that is where he should find the help. He must take the first steps himself.

There are drug addiction support services. They will be able to help. You can't. This is his call

Thank you all again for the advice.

He didn't turn up for our chat anyways, tried calling several times to make sure he was ok as I had agreed to meet him in a coffee shop rather than my home. I sat waiting for him like a knob to be told by one of his "friends" he was in the pub blowing the £2000 he had just made on a job. Nothing for his kids. Arsehole.

Guess this just puts things into perspective. Thank you all x

This sounds appalling - but I'm glad he didn't turn up. You may have relented and let him back into yours and the DC's lives to cause more upset and chaos. Now you know the full extent of his manipulation and selfishness. Nothing's changed in him at all.