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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Tips on how to catch him out!!

36 replies

Whoneedsaman · 30/11/2017 21:36

I am currently married (not for long) to a cheating lying scumbag!! Since my last discovery of his infidelity he's been especially good at covering his tracks..... thanks to me giving him all the info he needed to do a better job next time. I told him where I looked! Instagram, Whatsapp, deleted photos, notes, I cloud, phone bill on line.
Now I am 99% sure he's up to his old tricks but I'm struggling to get evidence. Does anyone have any advice on where else to look to catch him out?? I want the evidence for my own sanity and to aid divorce proceedings.

OP posts:
Whoneedsaman · 01/12/2017 11:51

Thanks everyone, you're all totally right. Just worried he'll stuff me over financially,,, but if he does that at least I can move on safe in the knowledge that he is indeed an absolute arsehole that I'm better off without!!

OP posts:
cakecakecheese · 01/12/2017 12:25

Get yourself prepared regarding the finances then. Other posters will have better knowledge than me of what to do, but if you can get copies of payslips/bank statements etc that might come in handy later.

PinkTiger · 01/12/2017 13:39

*If he has an iphone and you can get it (I know what you said about him changing password but I'm thinking just ask to borrow it to google something as yours is out of power for example)
try this:

Settings >Privacy>Location Services

Scroll right to the bottom of the Location services screen

-->System Services (its the very last item at the bottom)

At the bottom of the first section (above the grey bar that says Product improvement) is Frequent Locations

Tap on that and if it is turned on, you will see a history of places visited regularly.

Two things to say about this:

I know it sounds like a lot of nested links but if you know what you are looking for you can do this in a matter of seconds. Try it a couple of times on your own phone and you'll see once you know where everything is.

Plenty of people who are super privacy conscious don't realise there is this frequent locations function and so haven't turned it off.

*Beyond that if you are set on catching him out, either a private detective or get him to commit to a location and then cross check.

For example, if he says he is working late, turn up at his work with a ready excuse for any staff - "we planned to for dinner and he's not answering his phone". If he says he is at a works drink, go and see whether he is there.

You need to be very careful with the latter though because you can only do this once or max twice (if you are seen or identifying yourself to staff at his work) without looking like a stalker so you need to pick your time carefully based on his previous behaviour.

  • Or you could turn on find my iphone on your phone if you have it and put it in his brief case or bag or car. Then log on to icloud and find your phone. It will show you where your phone is - which may not be the same as where he is precisely but could be.

Only cast iron way to catch him though is to follow him until he meets relevant woman.

Zaphodsotherhead · 01/12/2017 13:50

Ashamed to admit it but I didn't want my husband to divorce me...

he moved out. Filed papers which I didn't sign. But, after five years he divorced me anyway without my consent. So it really doesn't matter that he doesn't want a divorce, you do and you might have to wait a while but you can be single again. Just move out, move away and bide your time. You also don't need to give a reason, if you've lived apart more than two years that's reason enough for divorce.

Euphemism · 01/12/2017 14:02

Unreasonable behaviour can be anything from ‘refused to put the toilet seat down’ to ‘snores’ to ‘shagged the neighbour on the lawn’
Courts have no interest in making you stay together when you want to divorce so you can put any gripes as ‘unreasonable behaviour’. You don’t need proof. He could theoretically contest it but any lawyer would likely advise him not to bother.
Don’t waste your life wanting proof of something you already know or trying to get evidence of infidelity for divorce (which has to practically be pics of them in the act) when it will make no difference to anything.
The only thing you need to answer is : do you want to stay married to this idiot? If the answer is no then get on with the divorce.

MotherofTerriers · 01/12/2017 14:29

If you have an ipad or smartphone you can download a free recorder app. Leave it in the room he is most likely to be making phone calls in when you are out - it will only switch on and record when there is sound

Thebluedog · 01/12/2017 14:49

Unreasonablenbehaviour can be anything, it could be that he picks his toenails in front of the tv, it’s just that it’s unreaonable to you.

In the end, does it matter why you divorce or what it says on the paperwork, it never comes up again (trust me I’ve done it twice).

All that matters is that you can move on and live your life without having to worry about being cheated on. As they say ‘ when a man marries his mistress, he creates a vacancy’ so chances are the Next Mrs ‘who’ will face the same issues you are.

Whoneedsaman · 02/12/2017 15:22

Thanks again everyone for your advice. I am panicking that I'll have to stay married to the arse or that he'll stuff me financially (wouldn't put it past him!!) that's the reason for trying to pin evidence on him. But from the sounds of it it's not going to make any difference anyway. Can't wait to move on!!

OP posts:
GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 02/12/2017 16:14

Move on Who, appreciate it is scary, but you can get what's owed to you. And you can move on and have a happy life. Best wishes. Flowers

SendintheArdwolves · 02/12/2017 17:26

Like a PP, I remember reading on here about a woman who found out that her fiance was cheating on her with one of her friends whilst they were planning their wedding. Instead of saying "I'm dumping you because you're a cheating, lying scumbag" she just said "I've just gone off the idea of marrying you. You're kind of dull". Classy AF and so much more cutting Grin

But yes, put your energy into getting your ducks in a row, sorting out your future and filing for that divorce - courts won't take his infidelity into account when deciding the division of assets.

Garlicansapphire · 02/12/2017 17:33

The evidence or reasons for divorce wont make any difference to whether or not you are stuffed financially. It sounds like you are more engaged with the process of trying to catch him out than with leaving. Just kick him out - full stop. What's really stopping you? Or does he know you're not really serious about ending it?

The relationship is a dog is this is all you are both spending your time on. What a waste of both your lives. You could just both leave and start afresh and spend your time profitably pursuing happiness. Dont waste a second more on trying to catch him out - that just keeps you obsessing about him and not focusing on your own future.

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