AIBU about accepting his past?

[Kala101]

Hi all,

I've been dating/ been in a relationship with my bf for almost 10 months. We met through one of the dating apps. I was recently separated (not even a month) and he also had recently broken up with his long time gf. As soon as we met, within five mins we decided we should be exclusive and we have been together ever since. I moved in with him after 2-3 months. Not sure if it's relevant but he's around 15 years older than me,

We're from different countries and have completely different cultural backgrounds and we met in the UK. He's from an eastern European country but went to US at 18, so he's American when it comes to dating and relationships. I'm from a South Asian country and was married to a European Catholic. I only had two long-term bfs and I have zero experience of dating whatsoever. My 2nd bf became my husband and we were together for almost a decade. He was almost married and all his exes were Americans.

Anyway all was well and we were really happy together till one day I got to know that after his divorce when he was online dating, he was dating multiple women at once. At some point, he was sleeping with 2 women alternately, for around 2-3 months. This left me really disturbed and shocked. I used to see him as a good guy but after I got to know this, I'm completely devastated. He says that that's how people date in the US and unless you have the exclusivity talk, it's implied that you're seeing/sleeping with other people. This is so against my values that I feel physically disgusted and I'm wondering whether I can get over this. He told me many other things, that I don't know what it's like to be a man, that he was always being rejected/stood-up and that he's sexual so he has to see if there's sexual compatibility. I'm so torn because I feel I'm in love with him but I also feel disgusted by his past.

He's also very open to change. I changed his whole wardrobe and his house and he's been a great sport.

Oh dear. There it is. You don't love him for who he is, but who you need and want him to be.

What if you weren't to change a single thing about him, OP? What if you were to live with him exactly as he is?

If that's unthinkable to you, then perhaps you need to explore those daddy issues at greater depth in therapy.

Essentially you are saying "he is perfect but...."

Not the right approach to a long term relationship.

Honestly moving in together so soon is just crazy, feels like you can't be alone. Have you ever been single as an adult?

I think you could both be projecting your ideal person onto each other and ignoring the reality.
15 years difference can be very signifcant, add a rushed relationship/different cultures/religons/values and you have a recipe for disaster.

You dont know his values, they are not something you tell someone, its how you act when no one is around. He slept around when single or felt needy etc..that's who he is.
Only time and challenges in life show your true values..you simply can't know him yet.

He's done nothing wrong.

However, you sound very vulnerable and mixed up.

And the relationship is built on sand at present. You don't know yourself (you are still in the middle of hardcore grief regarding the end of your marriage), and you don't know him (because instead of getting to know him, you have apparently been projecting onto him your ideas of what you hope he is... the fact that you changed his wardrobe etc is so incredibly telling!... this is textbook behavior on your part btw, this is very basic "I am trying to avoid my grief" stuff, where you fantasize a perfect partner into existence so that he can distract you from the pain).

So - when he presents parts of himself that you hadn't planned on him having, of course your whole world feels rocked to the core. He is meant to be solving your grief. He's not meant to have flaws or be human!

Kala it's really important that you slow down and start looking at the person in front of you, instead of assuming things about him.

He comes from a very different background to you, this means it will take you significantly longer than the average time to get a handle on who he is. In my opinion, the average is 1-2 years. So you're looking at a good 2-4 in your case. Longer than that even, since (I'm sorry to say this) you still need to wait until you've got through the concentrated early grieving stage that comes with the end of most marriages....

I say this as someone who started (casually) dating her current partner within weeks of the end of her own marriage btw...
I held him very firmly at arm's length for the first year, and after that it was an extremely slow progression, and now two years later I am only just in the throes of accepting that I love him, dealing with the awful fear of losing him (loss of innocence after end of marriage etc). It's a very raw and vulnerable place to be, and it sounds like you have tried to rush through it. It doesn't work that way.

Slow down. Slow down A LOT. Talk to a counselor. Take lots of space to grieve and get to know yourself. This man / his past is not the problem, not at all.

If in 9 months you haven't been able to move past this imho it is time to cut your losses. You don't sound compatible. Give yourself some space to reappraise your ideas about a long term relationship and what you are hoping for.

I'm still very much grieving my marriage and it's been a constant struggle. Yes, I feel like I don't know him in many ways and that's why I'm trying. This is one of the reasons we started talking about this topic. I just wonder what would've happened if I never knew about this

This is a huge red flag. Why are you rushing into a relationship with anyone when you're still grieving the end of your marriage? Take some time for yourself to understand what you really want from your next relationship. There's no rush, take your time to get to know them before you move in, this will give you a chance to really work out whether you're compatible and hopefully save you the heartache at the first sign that they may not be who you expected.

I changed his whole wardrobe and his house and he's been a great sport.

Wow. If a woman came on here and said that people would be yelling 'red flags'!

What exactly are you trying to change him into?

*If a woman came on here and said her DO had done that.

After my first marriage broke down i 'dated' numerous men and slept with them. None of us wanted exclusivity which was fine by me. If a new partner, no matter how perfect, thought my behaviour was disgusting I'd be gone. Judging my past behaviour like that would be a total red flag for me.

OP does your cultural background tend towards arranged marriages?

Thank you all! You're all very kind and helpful. I've been going to therapy but find this better as I get many honest opinions.

@bummybum
I changed his wardrobe because he doesn't really care about his clothes, is not interested in shopping and used to wear very baggy clothes. Some of his clothes were faded and torn. I bought some well-fitted clothes for him and he very much likes how he looks now. I think at some level, I wanted to make him look younger as we have a big age gap. However, I don't think it's such a bad thing when people want to do something to improve each other. I wouldn't mind it. For e.g. he doesn't like that I wear make-up so I don't wear as much now.

I changed furniture in his house for practical reasons, bed and drawers for more storage. When I first moved in, the place was full of trash and yes, I couldn't live with him the way he was living, So changing it was the only way.

@Hermonie2016
No, haven't been single as an adult. I've been in a relationship since I was 18. It's true that I only know how to exist as a couple and I know it's terrible. I find the world a scary place and I have no family or close friends in this country. I'm estranged from my family as they don't accept that I'm getting divorced. I feel like my bf is only family and the thought of leaving him is so hard. I lost both sets of families when I separated from my ex.

@beesandkness

Thanks a lot for explaining it all!

I have to say since the separation and divorce, I'm very skeptical and cynical and my friends now think my bf is great but I keep finding reasons to dislike him. I'm not sure what's wrong with me. I would take things slow from now onwards. It's harder for me because I come from a different culture and people are already asking about our marriage plans and it sends shivers down my spine.

@Thingsdogetbetter

I understand. I wonder why he didn't react this way. I told him that he deserves to be with someone who shares his values too and I kind of hinted that he should break up with me because I don't have the emotional strength. But so far he has been kind and willing to make it work.

@NotTheFordType

Yes, most of the marriages are still arranged. And if you're dating you're not supposed to date more than a couple of months. It's not acceptable to have a bf. He could either be your husband or a stranger. My cousin married her bf after dating him for 3 months, same for a couple of other friends. Live-in relationships with someone is still rare. In this sense, I'm actually pretty modern from where I come as married a foreigner and refuse to accept many traditions. It's ironic because now I feel that I'm way too traditional for the West and way too modern for East. I'm having a complete identity crisis.

To be honest, I'd be more concerned with all this "you don't know what it's like to be a man", especially because you're pretty(!), going on about rejection Etc. Those would be red flags for me. I think what you describe is fairly typical of dating these days - didn't used to be like that in the U.K. although it's going that way now, the Americans I know have always dated like this. Wouldn't work for me but there we are.

OK, I think most advice could have been a little more relevant if you'd revealed that originally. Because what you're describing as your DH's dating history is pretty meek and mild for the westernised world.

My son lives in America after growing up in the Uk. He says that it’s the done thing to date a few people at the same time until you have the ‘exclusive’ talk. I really don’t think your DP has done anything wrong...and in fact I’d have encouraged you to do the same before getting into an exclusive relationship after a LTR.

People have different ideas about sex. For some it can be fun and casual with no feelings attached as well as in a loving relationship and for others only part of a loving relationship. As long as everyone involved is happy with this, then it's no problem.

I only ever want to have sex with someone I'm in love with, so have never had casual sex and once my feelings for a person go, so does my desire for sex with them.

But I have lots of friends who enjoy casual sex when single but have gone on to have faithful, loving and exclusive relationships.

In your situation I think it was a mistake to move in so quickly and I would consider getting your own place.

He didn't do anything wrong. If he was honest with his sexual partners that it wasn't excusive, then there was nothing wrong with his behavior. The important thing is how he treats YOU and what he is doing in the present.

You seem very naive -- so I'm going to talk to you like a daughter. When people have multiple sexual partners, it is very important to be careful with one's health. If you and he are not using condemns every single time you have sex, then both of you need to be tested for STDs at the same time.

If you have never been tested for STDs, then it is a really good idea to do so anyway. You could have been exposed to something.

Beyond that, I think that BeesKnees wrote an excellent post. Good luck.

He hasn't done anything out of the ordinary. If anything goes against the grain, it's this relationship because of how quickly it came about. Normally a rushed decision to be together would be a red flag on both parts.
Most women get a lot of male attention, and certainly heaps of it when advertising on dating apps, so need to be careful to be much more selective. Because of your culture and need for male attention after your marriage, you jumped straight into it. All you can do is be careful and aware, but that would go for any relationship. You need to analyse your own motivations, but no, you have no right to be disgusted over his past.