Overreacting? I hope so.

[hundredsandmillions]

Have namechanged for this as may be identifying. BF and I have been seeing each other since May. FWIW (don't want to drip feed) we have been friends for almost 5 years.

Background: BF has a 'crazy ex' - except I and others in our circle knew her and she was genuinely an emotional abuser and in everyone's opinion could do with some professional help for her issues. It took him almost a year to get 'over' the relationship (not her but the situation IYSWIM).

BF and I really enjoy our time together, we're taking it slow but have a lot of trust and commitment. He is usually very good at understanding that I am 'not her' despite the fact she put him through hell. Last night however we were on the tube. I wanted a kiss, so sort of put my head on his shoulder and looked up at him. I think I was trying to achieve a 'flirty' look?! I don't even know - it's never been the sort of thing I've analysed.

After a moment he looked at me and quite shortly said, "I think you'll find that sort of thing isn't effective on me". I was shocked, so pulled away and went quiet. I said, "I just would have liked a kiss". He then kissed me.

On our way walking back to his I felt I had to raise it - that I wasn't playing some sort of game, or trying to be 'effective' at something - his implication was that it was a manipulation of some sort. Perhaps so but an entirely innocent one? I don't feel I have to announce my intentions for a peck, and this hasn't happened before.

Writing it down it sounds very, very minor and petty. It was the way he said it - I felt small and humiliated, as if I'd done something ridiculous. We had a good talk about it - he was apologetic and owned that it was a hang-up from his previous GF. And that sometimes he needs 'reminding' if he's straying into that territory.

So - the talk was good. But today I feel a bit blank, and generally less positive about the whole thing. I don't want to be in a relationship where I have to think in minute detail about what I do, in case it's perceived in the wrong way based on his experience of someone/thing I'm not.

Overreacting? I think/hope so.

I also totally agree that being with someone is not the same as being best friends.

I was best friends with someone since childhood, we virtually grew up together. In my mid twenties we got together and he revealed a side of him I didn’t know - he was emotionally abusive.

I was so shocked as he definitely never revealed this side as friends and I mean very close friends - think holidays together, homework together, socialising, the works.

I would put my money on him being not the person you think he might be - as a partner

Sorry for the delay - busy evening and morning!

Lots of perspectives here, which is actually very useful. Trying to organise my thoughts...

1. This is atypical behaviour for him and he was very apologetic - I take what some people are saying, but I've had no red flags previously. So, I'm chalking it up as a learning. As User says, it is different being in a relationship and we're still at the getting to know each other stage despite having known each other for a long time.. It's something BF and I have discussed. My gut says he's a good person, as do his ways of acting 99.9% of the time.

2. A couple of posters suggested that the 'cutesy' and 'little girl' approach was what put him off. Perhaps. When I read those posts I felt an instinctive stab of shame but thinking back on it rationally, I genuinely don't think I was being saccharine or odd.

3. I'm going to take to heart Cricrichan's advice: I'm not saying that you don't know your bf, just tread carefully and treat him like you would someone you're getting to know, as knowing someone as a friend doesn't necessarily give you a real idea of what they're like to their oh. - and I'm not going to adjust my behaviours - unless they are unreasonable! - I have a good sense of self and self-worth, and a very well developed sniffer for red flags, so my eyes are open.

4. I will be careful labelling people as crazy! That is a good point. It's not for me to label.

Thank you everyone - this has helped me. Not just in terms of this particular topic but in terms of how I'm thinking about the relationship.

there is no doubt in my mind as to who was at fault in that relationship.

Take it from someone who was emotionally abused by their ex, abuse will make you act "crazy".

And he sounds emotionally abusive. My ex too said to me he had been treated badly by his ex - he treated me like crap.

I had a friend for fifteen years, a very good friend . He had loads of friends and very popular with other women although had not had a proper relationship for years.
Most of his long term relationships had been with women who had ‘issues ‘ (his descriptions) he was always so kind about them and understanding despite listing all their faults and the ways they abused him.
I and our mutual friends felt sorry for him that he’s had such bad luck with all these women.

We got together when my marriage ended.
It seemed to good to be true.

there were some unsettling moments like yours early on, I’d just escaped a horrid situation and was traumatised over some stuff so was quite vulnerable and not listening to my instincts, I clung to him as I was lonely and desperate .

Anyway, this super popular, feminist, socialist guy turned into a monster before my very eyes. It was like being with a stranger. It really rocked my world as we’d been such close friends and I trusted him and looked up to him.
He was very emotionally abusive, manipulative and cunning. Ultimately his behaviour was more traumatising than the married escaped.
It was hard to get support from friends as nobody ever saw that side of him and nobody wanted to hear it , I ended up losing a large chunk of our friendship group because of it.

How did his relationship with ex end? Was he devastated? Was she able to wrap him round her little finger? Was she crazy but irresistible to him?

If any of the above is a “yes” then I’d say he needs to work out his issues before embarking on a new relationship.

The idea that you can’t be yourself, cutesy and all, is a miserable life I’m afraid.

Not an over reaction, that I'd a real knock back.
He has serous issues. But people can move on, and I'd be willing to stay of he made a firm commitment to repairing the damage in himself. There's lots of good therapy out there, and he'd be happier too if he stepped out of his old patterns, but he's got to be willing.