Am i being controlling?

[Feelingfeduptonight]

Hi,just after some opinions on current situation. I've been with Dh for 7 years, generally good relationship. However he recently decided to make some space cakes with friend in our kitchen while I was at work. They were in our freezer, I asked him to throw them out and he wouldn't so I have thrown them away in the bin.
Now I feel like I'm being controlling, he argues that using cannabis is just like drinking alcohol, although he knows I am against it and I feel like I don't know what to do?
Am I being controlling? He was saying I'm acting like his parent rather than partner and now I feel really confused and just wish he would respect my feelings on this. I do love him but this feels like a major problem to me.
We are mid 30's,have not got children and he has smoked at a festival years ago but other than that this is the first time he has done anything like this for years.

Whilst I am completely for the liberalisation of some use of cannabis, as long as it remains illegal I don't want it in my house. OP is completely fair to make a stand, and I would be pretty pissed off if DH was bringing in drugs to the house and getting baked (both ways!). No flipping way.

The discussions in this thread about weed v alcohol are moot.

I would be pissed off if smb has thrown away my personal stuff. Presumably he pays bills and it's his home so you really had no right to do that.
He is right..it's controlling and parent like behaviour.

Josuk - your post is entirely unreasonable and quite ridiculous.

Coke, for goodness sake. Freely available in every corner shop. It is not an illegal substance being brought without your knowledge in to your home.

@WhiteCat1704
I would be pissed off if smb has thrown away my personal illegal stuff. Presumably he pays bills and it's his home so you really had no right to do that.
He is right..it's controlling and parent like behaviour.

Fixed that post there, for you.

I'm not sure how I would react if put in this situation.
I've been with friends when they smoke week etc....
I've never done it but don't over judge people who do it very occasionally.
However, it's not like drinking alcohol.
That is LEGAL, what he is doing is NOT LEGAL.
Big difference!

week
Don't think so - weed

I don’t think it’s unreasonable to respect your partner and his personal space.
Discussions, arguments, etc - are all adult ways of settling disagreements.

Unilateral actions of taking matters into your own hands - are not respecting, or adult ways to settle anything.

Josuk Um, how is HE respecting HER, bringing illegal drugs into their house and when she asked him to remove them, he refused?

I don’t think it’s unreasonable to respect your partner and his personal space. Discussions, arguments, etc - are all adult ways of settling disagreements. Unilateral actions of taking matters into your own hands - are not respecting, or adult ways to settle anything.

Works both ways, Josuk. And only one of them is breaking the law in their shared home.

If they were fairy cakes, you would be controlling. As they were illegal, I would worry about that too as, should it come to that, the police would question you as well.

So no, not controlling.

I cannot believe some of the comments on here! All the cries of 'call 101!' And 'log it with the police!' Over the most minor inconveniences and yet a load of posters on here are trivialising a crime. Whatever some of you think about cannabis and it being no worse than alcohol etc etc, it is illegal. So OP is at risk of gaining a criminal record as it is in HER house. I don't care how unlikely it is that this would happen, the repercussions can be huge. I would lose my job for this. So would many people. It could prevent you from accessing future jobs, fostering, adopting etc etc. Why the fuck should she take that risk on the chin because someone other than her wants a bit of weed?

Plus, stoned people are annoying as fuck.

The difference between alcohol and cannabis isn’t a moral one. It’s a legal one.

The OP, not unreasonably doesn’t want anything illegal in her house.

I wouldn’t either.

I’d have thrown them out too OP.

I didn't think you were being unreasonable until I read that you didn't have kids. What's the harm?

The legal position in the UK for possession of cannabis edibles for a first time offence is a warning or an on the spot fine.
The OP would not get a criminal record and nor would her husband from my reading of several sites relating to the issue.
The circumstances relating to future employment checks are summarised neatly here after receivng a warning for a cannabis offence.
hub.unlock.org.uk/knowledgebase/cannabis-warning

Also look at -
ukcsc.co.uk/cannabis-law

You claim he is disrespectful to you. It is massively disrespectful to throw away something that belongs to your husband just because it is a 'deal breaker' for you. If the deal is broken -and I am not reading that you even respected him enough to speak to him about it - then leave.

The whole 'illegal' thing is a red herring. You do not get to dictate what he does or doesn't do in his own home. You are his partner not his parent. You do get to decide whether you wish to stay and put up with it or break up with your principles intact.

Haff She did speak to him. Says so in the original posting. But don't let that bother you.

did not choose to marry someone who would disregard my feelings about this kind of thing.

But you said he did it at a festival?
So you did know?
I think you do sound a bit controlling.
Would it be ok if he threw something of yours away if he decides he didn't like it?

Personally I don't have an issue with weed and wouldn't have a problem with my husband doing this, but that's irrelevant really because it's about where the boundaries lie in your relationship.

You say he doesn't respect your feelings but I guess he doesn't feel that you respect his either. Neither opinion is more valid than the other but by throwing out something that belongs to him you're asserting that your opinion has more validity. I wonder what that's going to achieve in the long run?

I am with you op, just as previous posters claim you knew that your h had smoked weed in the past and you chose to marry anyway, more importantly, I bet your h knew your stance on drugs and that you would absolutely not want illegal (because they are illegal) drugs in your home. There is a huge difference between knowing that someone has tried something in the past and someone making a cake out of hash. One has no impact on the op and the other brings an illegal drug into her home. My dh knows my stance on drugs, therefore he would know that I would not want hash cake in my freezer. It is absolutely nothing to do with controlling what goes in the op's h's body and everything to do with op protecting her boundaries! By the same token, if op found heroin and paraphernalia in her home she would be more than entitled to bin it/ or call the police as she sees fit. The op's dh is a grown man, if he wants to take drugs then he should do it outside of the home he shares with op. Personally, this would be a deal breaker for me! My dh knows this! As I am sure op's h knows her stance on drugs!

I have a zero tolerance around illegal drugs. I do not seek to control what other people choose to use/take, that is their choice. My choice however is to live in a drug free zone and will not tolerate their use or presence in my home. At. All. You were not BU... actually, in my case, he would have followed them out of the door!

All those claiming the OP has no right to dictate her partner's choices seem happy to ignore that he is trying to dictate her choices by insisting she is involved in breaking the law in their joint home.
If he objects to her view then he is asserting the claim that his opinion has more validity than hers. And that it doesn't matter if she wants to avoid questioning by the police/risking a criminal record/offending against her principles.

As so often in a relationship, this is an area on which the two validities are mutually exclusive. You can't both keep weed cakes in the home and not keep weed cakes in the home at the same time. The OP wants to lead a life without exposure to law-breaking, the dh doesn't. Something has to give.

The dh needs to decide whether this is important enough for him to be a potential dealbreaker. And so does the OP.

Speaking for myself, I made it very clear in the early stages of our relationship that the law, and the whole concept of keeping the law matter to me, and that I would only consider breaking it if there was some strong moral principle urging me to do so (e.g. if living in a country with apartheid laws). Dh would absolutely know that this would be a dealbreaker.

Cannabis is illegal. The OP doesn't want it in her home.

Stolen goods are illegal. Would she be 'controlling' if she didn't want him bringing home something that fell off the back of a lorry?

I'm with her...