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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Ha anyone done this with their dp/dh?

7 replies

juicychops · 19/04/2007 08:42

each written a list of the things the other one does to annoy you and discussed them?

meant for constructive critasism rather than digs at eachother

me and dp keep arguing and he is really getting on my nerves lately through things he does and doesn't do and i must be doing the same to him because as soon as i open my mouth he accuses me of moaning!

would this be a good idea or is it bound to backfire and end in massive argument?

OP posts:
mustrunmore · 19/04/2007 08:45

We once did a 5 nice and 5 complaining list. Exactly as I expected, I put effort in, dh said he cpuldnt think of 5 of each and the ones he did put were really superficial

Saturn74 · 19/04/2007 08:55

I think it depends if you are both likely to take it as constructive criticism, or hold grudges about what the other person wrote.

Lazycow · 19/04/2007 11:50

Only if you balance it with good things as well - otherwise it will turn into a slanging match.

I'd do 5-6 nice things and 1-2 bad things so the ratio stays positive. It is easier to make an effort on 1-2 things rather than be told that there are 5-6 things that all need to change NOW IYSWIM.

You could do this every couple of weeks and make sure that when you do it again, part of the good things are appreciations of the effort made to correct the stuff from last time.

Another thing dh and I have done in the past is set aside a bit of time every week (15-20 mins is usually enough) and do one of two things

1 Each one of you spends 5 minutes (or less sometimes in the case of my dh) talking about anything you want to. It shouldn't be an attack on the other person but just how you are feeling and what is bothering you/making you happy - just anything you think is important. The other person has to listen - and I mean LISTEN. No interruptions no comments nothing other than listening.

Then the other person goes next, they then talk (no commenting or defending on what has already been said) about how they are feeling etc.

At the end it is left at that.

2 Each person takes turns to go through this list.

Apreciation - Say somethiny you appreciate about the other person (something they did/said that week that made you happy/helped you etc.)

New information - Tell your partner something about you/your week/the kids whatwever that you haven't told them yet that might interest them or that they need to know.

Complaints with specific requests for change-Say something you would like your partner to do that would help/improve your life that week or something they are doing that is bothering you. Try to keep this to no more than one thing if you can and make sure it is specific - not 'you never help with the kids' - more ' Yesterday morning I felt that I was dealing with the kids all on my own - I'd like you to take ds1 out for an hour every Saturday' or whatever.

Hopes and dreams - Say a bit about your hopes/dreams for the future. The sorts of things that you would like to do/happen -
Eg 'I've been thinking how much I'd like us to move somewhere the kids can play more easily/how I'd like to re-train/go back to work - etc.

The person listening must make no comment about what was said by the first one but just repeats the exercise. The important thing for the one not talking is that they really LISTEN. Also that each person can say what they want without fear that the other will attack them.

It can feel a bit weird at first but as you do it more I felt our communication improved.

You can also use other times to really thrash out issues but dh and I fellt these exercises helped us really decide what the
real issues were.

Lazycow · 19/04/2007 11:51

god that was long - sorry!!

juicychops · 19/04/2007 20:49

lazycow that is a really good idea. Sounds like it really works for you

hmmmm gunna think about suggesting something similar to dp. usually when i have something bothering me i either keep it to myself, or write it in a letter to him then we discuss the letter. But think this would be a better idea

OP posts:
Pruni · 19/04/2007 20:51

Message withdrawn

juicychops · 19/04/2007 21:56

i suppose thats the same as writing letters. i never give it to him to read in front of me, i always give it to him just before he goes to work in the morning so he can read it at work and think about it for the day

OP posts:
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