BBC article on Gaslighting

[PyongyangKipperbang]

www.bbc.co.uk/news/stories-41915425

Very interesting, and disturbing :(

Thank you, Meadow.
All I can suggest is Women's Aid, this place and just being there for them. I posted here for two years or so before I finally had the courage to do what I needed to do, but goodness I got support, help and the confidence to at least try to break free. I did it and I know I'm lucky to have done so.

It is hard though, isn't it - I always remember the poor girl in America kidnapped who after a while didn't need any physical restraints: the mental ones were enough to keep her in place.

And, many horrible men deliberately target those who are vulnerable (not suggesting you were, gin, just a general point.)

You know, if you'd asked me about me when I first met him I'd have said I was lively and confident. I'm very well educated, I'm intelligent. Not particularly attractive, but can be funny and quick. I look back and I know I was vulnerable, easily manipulated and kind, a people pleaser who hates confrontation, didn't know how to say no and was so desperately sorry for the poor vulnerable soul in front of me. He took advantage, I was a target to be brought down, tamed, a challenge. It started surprisingly quickly and lasted as I said, for more than twenty years. What's scary is how bloody easy it was for him. I'm still scared. No, I'm still absolutely terrified. I still have nightmares and other stuff. I do think there is a Stockholm Syndrome type scenario in many of these cases.

Gin, I think you are right, I think it's called trauma bonding or something similar.

What you describe from your experience was exactly the same for me. I am still terrified but I can't explain why. Never been hit, just emotionally frightened. Bastards.

Enough

a positive: It's my birthday next week. A card arrived in the post this morning and it's up. I would never, ever have dared to put cards up early for fear of precipitating the ensuing discussions: 'you're harassing me into finding you something, these things take time'. Nothing materialises. 'You are trying to make me feel guilty, you know I can't get out at the moment'. 'Stop hassling me'. 'I don't know how to do it online'. All ploys to make me feel guilty for having a birthday.
If I put nothing up early I couldn't be accused of anything. If something arrived, as it did occasionally, although certainly not every birthday, then I could be suitably overwhelmed. If it didn't, suitably silent with everything put away and pretending it was just another day. I lived in a situation where I was frightened of the consequences of my birthday arriving, and people on here are wondering what the bloody crime is! It's my birthday soon and I'm going to do my damnedest to have a good one.

I hope you will, gin :)

He sounds bloody awful, btw

I hope I'm not upsetting anyone by saying this but it should be known that victims of this kind of abuse can take on these traits themselves.

I've just come out of a relationship with a great lady, well I think there's a great lady under all that mess. She's got a horrendous ex and unfortunately a child to him (he's lovely too, I worry for him).

Fact is though that I learned very quickly about the type of abuse mentioned in this article from how he treated her. And I spent nearly two horrible years trying to help her, only to realise that from a victim perspective, this is how she learned to deal with people.

I've been through countless iterations of how horrible my character is over the last two years from her twisting and turning everything I do, into an indication of what a condescending, aggressive, nasty man I am. It was driving me around the bend. The oddest things from big things like me being condescending when trying to sit down and talk to her about what she will say in legal meetings with him (he's a horrendous bully and is masterful at making her feel like nothing) to even one night telling me I look down on her when I explained about a legal term in a TV show we were watching. It was bizarre, a legal show for goodness sake that I had just happened to see.

Anyone else would tell you it's just not in my nature to be condescending or aggressive or all the countless other things she's called me the last couple of years. I tried telling her that and all I got was 'well no one has ever seen you in a situation this stressful'.

As much as I love her I had to get out, three times in fact. I was basically his and her punching bag for two years. I even had to go to the Police to defend myself against false accusations from him of assaulting his son. The Police made it very clear I'm not even in the slightest of suspicion and that they said they see people like him all the time. Yet she was horrible to me because she wanted to sweep it under the carpet like everything else.

It's hard to articulate it all and this post is getting too long. I mean no upset to the victims here and I really really do empathise. But it's important that people get help not only for themselves but because of what they can do to others.

Unfortunately this has ended in a way that has changed me for ever to the point where I think abuse of this nature should be investigated by the police for it's destructive nature.

May I suggest to those having gone/are going through this ATM, that you have a look at Rishard Grannon - Spartan Life Coach, and his videos and seminars on narcissism/Trauma Bonding/Complex PTSD, etc.

They are very good and have helped me break free from the abuse my mum used to control me.

Another few people to have a look at on YouTube are: Lisa A Romano, Understanding Narcissism, Assc Direct and Luminous Ztar.

That is actually a fair point, toybits, given that you're not saying everyone would turn out like that, but that some can. One of the main reasons I got the strength together to get away from XH was that I didn't like the sort of person I was becoming. I realised, once I didn't care about his feelings any more, that I knew exactly how to manipulate him the way he had done to me. I did mostly resist the temptation because I didn't want the DC to think it was acceptable behaviour.

Absolutely @Anniegetyourgun not everyone would turn out like this. And the saddest thing I would say is the person I'm referring to has only really taken these traits on as a defense mechanism.

By that I mean from someone like me 'I want to help', gets translated as 'you are weak'. I wish I'd have known in the beginning what the effect of someone like him would be. Unfortunately though her self defense mechanism against me was a mirror of what he did to her, and that’s to put me down by twisting (Gaslighting) everything into a from she could respond to.

Underneath it I have no doubt she’s the woman I fell in love with and I’ll have a broken heart for ever.

@Wishingandwaiting I find your comments flippant and misguided. I can only assume you have had no experience than this, or at extreme, maybe you are one of these abusers and want to minimilise people’s feelings. If a victim (generally a woman) comes out of a relationship with cuts, bruises and injuries then the law steps in. However years of systematic emotional abuse, bullying, financial control, and even using children as weapons, is just someone being ‘a nasty manipulative pig’. Fortunately the law realises how ridiculous your comments are and is slowly recognising these things. I believe these victims, and yes generally women (and the children involved), should definitely be given protection under the law, and I’m speaking from experience.

Hence a criminal act needs to be recorded.