Should I or shouldn’t I?

[Willing2acceptAdvice]

I have been in a relationship for 4 years. I love her but I’m not in love with her as much as I was and now I don’t know what to do? I suppose you would describe it as not head over heels in love with her.

I suppose the first thing to point out is that I suffer from anxiety. I have done for around 2-3 years ever since I’ve been having doubts about my relationship. Don’t get me wrong the doubts haven’t been constant but they have come and gone. They seem to come and go with the happy and sad times within the relationship. The recent news that Prince Harry got engage and he said “the moment I met her I knew she was the one” I didn’t have that feeling with my partner, I’ve never had that feeling I just “fell in love” with her over a few dates.

Now I know anxiety can plague your life and it has done for me for a little while now. The main problem is that I wanted to have children in my early to mid 30’s, maybe even late 20’s. I certainly didn’t plan to have children in my late 30’s which is what I face now. I suppose it’s a case of the “perfect life”! I wanted to get old and the have my own free time to do the things on my bucket list once the children had grown up like going places and trying new things. I wanted to be young enough to enjoy my grand children. But I suppose in my early 30’s I didn’t really think of my age as a “problem”!

I have friends who have had children in their late 30’s but wanted to be that loving doting father by now.

My parents feel that if I had children with my fiancée my attention would be on them and I would not be as worried other aspects in my life. They feel that I would be more grounded and be a lot happier.

My friends tell me that age is just a number and you are as old as you feel. They say I don’t look my age and that I shouldn’t worry about it.

So I suppose I’m asking for peoples stories and advice. Was any one single around 34/35? Did you meet someone and now have children? What age where you when you met your partner? Any regrets? Any advice for me and what you all think I should do?

Are you thinking about impregnating your fiancee at the same time as questioning your relationship with her? If so, she deserves better than this.

Also, your parents are talking nonsense. Whatever the problem, having children won't make it better.

You sound like a ditherer who examines everything and questions everything. Be a man, determine which path you want to go gown and go down it.

I think it's safe to say very few people know they've met "the one" the moment they meet. Sure it happens, but I think it's the exception rather than the rule and is generally a somewhat romanticised view.

When I met my DP I thought he was hilarious, a total chatterbox and remember randomly thinking "I could see myself falling for you", but it certainly wasn't a thunderbolt moment, how could it be? I barely knew him.

Have you spoken to your DP about your doubts? Are they things that are fixable or deal-breaker type issues? It does sound like you're prone to overthinking and fixating on a set timeline, rather than accepting that life rarely sticks to plan. Perhaps try and live more in the moment. Work out what you want from life and then go for it. Definitely don't bring a child into the mix whilst there's so much uncertainty.

Hey disquieted and tangledskinky.

Thanks for your comments. My partner and I have discussed it but it was hard for her to deal with and rather than understanding she got angry...

So I backed off and we stayed together. I haven’t been dithering I’ve been trying to make our relationship better by actively working on it and myself. I would love for us to be happy and for me not to be feeling like this some days...it’s not very nice to say the least.

But either way thank you...

If you've spent the majority of your relationship doubting the strength of your feelings then she's not the one for you.

You're still young and it's better to be older but happy and sure about the mother of your children than unhappy and younger and possibly splitting the family as you meet someone who you are in love with.

To me, Harry is actually saying he fancied her rotten and wanted to shag her. You can't love someone you don't know.

I can't imagine ever getting angry at my DP for having doubts, rather I'd want to understand what was causing them and if there was anything I could do to help reassure them. I guess the only exception would be if they kept flitting between everything being rosy to wanting to end it with very little explanation, at which point I'd probably feel exasperated and end it for them.

From what you've said it sounds quite one sided. Is your gf also working to make the relationship better?

She’s not the one for you, and you’re not the one for her. My 35 year old friend has just ended a 3 year relationship that he fell into, because he wants to have children and get married, just not with his ex. It takes courage but you hopefully have a long life ahead of you that you don’t want to spend in the wrong relationship.

I wouldn't believe much of what Harry was saying...he's talking to the world in a formal interview,not his best mate over a few beers. He had to make it sound romantic!

Do you want to spend the rest of your life with this woman or not? You do t have to be madly in love in every way with her to be happy.

If she were to split up with you right now and you never saw her again, how would you feel? That may give you an inkling about whether to continue or not.
Definitely don't have children until you are 100% sure, it wouldn't be fair on them.