No sex for 1 year

[pleasehelp2017]

No nastiness please, genuine advice needed

Hubby and I had gone through a rough patch when DD was around 5/6 months old (16months now). I'm not really sure what happened but I guess it was just the stress and adjusting to a new little person (we are FTP). I suppose life turned out not to be the bed of roses I thought it would be and DH was not the dad I thought he would be (he is not a bad dad but different to what he said he would be calm, patient etc etc). Anyway during the early days we would argue about silly little things and I think I started to resent him and I started to build this anger towards him. Whenever we would argue I would go straight back to 'that anger' and I would hate him all over again. Fast forward a few months and many lengthy discussions and it has not been so bad and we are trying to get our relationship back to what it was. When we argue though I still feel that anger and I do not know how to let go of it. We have not been intimate since last October including holding hands and kissing properly. He tries to hug me now and then or kiss me on the cheek but I don't reciprocate and I don't know why. It doesn't actually bother me on a day to day basis but I know this is not how a relationship should be is it? This morning we had a pathetic argument and all my angry emotions came back out which is what has prompted this thread. What is wrong with me?

I think you have bottled up resentment towards him and it's now repeating on you like a bad takeaway because it never got expressed and dealt with.

At this point I think you may need to seek out counselling to give you some professional support to unpack all this stuff. It's not just going away by itself and if you haven't resolved it already it's likely to be a rocky process.

Do you still feel that you love him? Do you genuinely want to fix things?

Sounds like you have a lot of buried issues & feelings that you need to confront.

It doesn't sound like not having sex is the problem here. It's perfectly normal for there to be periods in a long relationship when you don't have sex for various reasons, including health, working apart from each other, life stresses, etc. As long as you are both on board and still committed and working at things it's not a problem. When I was pregnant with my first baby, my dh and I didn't have sex for probably about 16 months - so for the whole of the pregnancy (I had a lot of bleeding, so we avoided it to not aggrevate it) and then for probably 7 months postnatally (we were bedsharing and just completely exhausted and overwhelmed, so wasn't a priority at all). Obviously, we would have wanted to if circumstances were different, but they weren't and we took our time getting back to normal. It took taking time out for each other, having some nights out for dinner and to re-connect, finding ways to limit our own exhaustion and family/work stresses, until things got back to normal. Though we were having sex again, I would say we weren't having it regularly like the old days until our dd was 2, so that was probably for a period of about 3 years.

Sometimes it takes time and patience and just sleep, but also just making sure you're reconnecting and feeling good about your relationship. But it sounds like your relationship is strained and you need to sort that out first before you expect the intimacy to come back. I think you need to resolve the issues that caused you to be upset to begin with. If you don't talk about that and come to terms with it, then it will keep coming up over and over and over again. My dh and I also went through some tough times when our dd was little because it was all just so hard and again recently (due to a situation in the wider family that was really stressful). Sitting down, hashing it out and dealing with it really helped. And then making time for each other - date nights, a rare night or weekend away (don't get many of those, but occasionally), really helped. But you've got to fix the underlying problems before you want that level of intimacy again.

Couples’ counselling? DC1 is a huge change for a relationship. Not good to continue like this.

You don’t say how you feel he let you and your baby down, but clearly feel justified in your anger. Do you want some kind of acknowledgement / apology / change in behaviour from him? Presumably he disagrees.

In what ways is he not calm and patient with your baby?

Thank you for all your advice.

It's hard to describe how it all started. The best way I guess is to say that DH stayed on his 'own clock/agenda' and didn't adjust to new routine and DD properly so I would have to sort things out alone and I started to feel like we were 2 different families. An example would be if DD created a mess or needed something in the morning, DH would leave at a certain time for work no matter what and would leave me to sort it out, even though I would need to go to work too. Or if DD was upset and I was busy and the bins 'needed to go out' he would call me to tend to her so he could stick to his routine and do the bins. Does that make sense? I know they are all minor things but when there are so many they turn into something bigger. He is also not as patient with DD as I am and again I know minor but it happens so much. If DD cries in the car he'll say 'stop crying now your making me stressful' whereas I would try and calm/distract her or sing a song to her. If we are all having dinner and DD throws some on the floor, he'll say in a really unpleasant tone something like 'oh come on DD I want to eat my dinner and your not being very fair to me'. In my opinion DD is too young to understand what he's saying and I think he's really saying it to me in a roundabout way. He's always making these little comments all day everyday so its hard to ignore all of them and thats how most of our arguments start

Ok, that certainly adds some context - he's acting like another child, not a parent, so it's really no wonder you have a build-up of being righteously pissed off and don't much feel like shagging this petulant overgrown infant.

I presume youve discussed this; how did it go? Has he ever tried to step up? I still think you are going to need some joint counselling if you have hopes of saving this marriage.

I would also recommend joint counselling so that you both are able to air your feelings in a safe place and hopefully work through them.

ULly I would advice counselling for yourself first.
He is acting as if becoming a father shouldn’t have changed anyth8ng for him and that his dd is basically an inconvenience that you need to manage (so that it doesn’t have any impact in him).

You need to be very clear about what you want him to do and what are your boundaries. (Hence counselling for you)
And he will need to grow up and become a father. Clearky ne also needs a reminder of what he said he wouod do as well as learn8ng to step up as he said he wouod.

Tbf, I wouod start by leaving stuff for him instead of always stepping up for him.
He is leaving mess because it’s time to leave? Don’t cler it for him. Leave it and tell him that actually you had to leave too so he has to deal with it now.
He needs to put the bins out? Tell him you are busy and can’t look after your dd.
Etc etc

His parenting and attitude sounds poor.

Some men, sadly, fail to step up and be good parents and partners once DC arrive, loads of MN posts about it. If he loves you and wants to stay married and to be a good parent he needs to make some changes. If he’s not open to that, things aren’t hopeful.

You need to decide what your “bottom line” is.

Staying but feeling angry all the time and having a poor relationship isn’t a great option: IMO if the situation is not much improved within say 6 months it might be time to call it a day.

Agree you need to address the underlying issue here of his parenting and seeing DD as an inconvenience you are responsible for sorting out.

My XH was like this but it took me 3 DCs and 15 years to understand where our marriage went wrong. He still doesn't get it and thinks it was all my fault. I wish I'd addressed it sooner or got rid.

PS it was my fault because I went off sex.