Best friend's boyfriend - control?

[caremummy]

So, my best friend has been with bf since September.

He has always been a bit odd ? maybe but just these last few days she went to his home (4hours away) for a few days, she's come back over (we are housemates also) and it's got weird.

We went out on a night out, and he wanted her to 'check in' evry 1-1.5 hours, this alarmed me, she said things like 'he's lovely' 'he's a gentleman' 'he's just worried about me' bearing in mind this is the place we live, she was with three good friends who all care about a lot.

At one point, friend asked me to check in with the bf, by sending a message from her phone, I agreed because she asked me to do it, put her mind at ease etc etc. She was sat next to me as I typed, but didn't feel able to herself - a night out after all.

I sent a quick, nice message - this is J, X asked me to msg you to let u know she's fine etc etc.

He replied with a really long, hostile message like give her her phone back she needs to ring me.

I told friend, she said ' he just gets funny like that'

Other friend said something like don't worry about him you've let him know, just enjoy yrself.

Friend v emotional and sad (way more than usual).

We got the bus, on the way back we had general chat i.e. chips when we get home, and friend kept saying I need to ring X, he'll be so mad.

Her phone died, other friend sent msg along same lines, he replied with weird message again. Friend whose bf it is rang him, lots of apologising, which I was uncomfortable with.

He also has temper issues, hates me, dislikes other friends, told her not to get the implant because HE doesn't want her to have it.

HE also keeps talking about what he'd do if she were to get pregnant. They are 18&19 and she is firm she doesn't want a baby for a good few years.

She's also being saying like of ' I know you hate him'. I don't I want her to be happy, before they were in a relationship me and him had a political disagr because he was being v racist, which I do not like at all.

What should I do? I love my best friend to pieces, but she is vulnerable ( I think) and keeps saying how stupid she is, how clever he is. I just want her to be happy.

We all go to the same uni, he lives nearby and tbh has no friends over here except her.

Thankyou all XX

X said she wants to go home, so we did

He sounds repulsive and very controlling. Sadly I don't think there is too much you can do, he WILL want to separate her from her friends, so all you can do is be there for her, don't judge and try to build her confidence where ever you can. Don't let him push you out.

I really hope she sees sense soon, no woman deserves to be treated like this, but a not so small percentage of men have this idea that they own their girlfriend or wife. Do you think she would be interested in seeing a counsellor? Although I'm sure he wouldn't approve....

Tell her to read this article - www.bbc.co.uk/news/stories-41915425

I'd also suggest she speaks to Women's Aid/Rape Crisis re the unwanted sex so she can hear from a 'professional/expert' what exactly constitutes rape.

I feel like I tell this story on MN a lot, but...

My childhood best friend got taken in by the lies of a man like this. He sabotaged her birth control and she ended up having a little boy, and had a lot of difficulty leaving the controlling, abusive boyfriend because he would threaten to hurt the little boy if she ever left him. He escalated to hitting and choking.

When she finally did leave him, he shot her dead in front of their 5-year-old son, who had to be put into care.

It's really important to talk to friends about these relationships, even if it's hard. Show her this thread.

Womb - Jesus Christ that's horrendous.

jesus womb
that is horrific.
hopefully she will see him for what he is. the fact that she asked someone else to text him, means deep down she knows this isnt right and it's not comfortable.

That's a good point @Worriedrose - I had initially thought that perhaps she asked friends to take the photo to prove exactly where she was, and who she was with.

But perhaps she was scared of facing the fallout.

Such a shame you can't get word to her older brother before he visits the family. I know my big brother would've been on his guard for me the whole time.

Hopefully they'll see through what will most likely be a fake charming façade.

sorry don't know if I put it wrong, there was no photo involved. I would not do that.

she has a very close friend at home, who I am going to tell, she is already on a par with me re the boyfriend and has known her mum for years.

her older brother lives 3 hours away and is only a year older - best friend says its her being protective thing, not other way round

I hope so too

and she's (and I) are getting the contraceptive injection

well an update

they are still together

he is moving out of his tenancy (next door). They spend at least 18/24 hours a day together.

he basically lives in our flat

he is loud and talks nearly all night(I'm next room), resulting in me getting 3 hours sleep before lectures and clinicals

she has not got any form of contraception

they each failed a module. he used the utter bullshit of reverse racism as to why he failed. he is not suited to our course (nursing) AT ALL.

they have not attended a lecture or tutorial so far this year

she has been to his house at home again.

he (false) accused her (male) bestfriend of 5+ years of trying to sleep with her, she was outraged at the time. now she believes the boyfriend.

he got on well with the family.

he has seeped control into other areas. An example being she now drinks skimmed milk not full fat because of him. she is dieting (not necy at all)

he discourages her from visiting places in the uk (i.e. w.yorks where I'm from) by telling her about stuff he read. Mainly facist/bnp esque propaganda about ethnic and religious minorities.

He actually told me I was wrong about my own home town (of nearly 19 years)

All other flatmates in agreement, even one who only stays a few days a week can see control.

he basically expects her to clean up his mess, leaving stuff to pile up in the one sink.

we still haven't sorted a flat/house for next year, I have a sneaking suspicion she is going to move in with him.

she has started at length complaining to me about him, but its always he's amazing.

am I still doing the right thing?

will this ever end?

and due to her own financial issues (high rent, not much leftover) she is becoming financially dependent upon him

Sorry to hear this update

I don’t think you can fix this my love, she’s pretty much been brainwashed and isn’t ready to see what’s going on. Be there for her if/when she needs you, but this situation is not your responsibility and you need to take care of yourself first and foremost

thank you

that update was my final kind of thing on the matter

I will always be there for her and support her, but due to him the drifting is happening

xx

Op, disquiet is right. She chose to be in this relationship, you can’t rescue her. Remove yourself emotionally or she will drag you down with her.