It's taken 10 years *trigger warning*

[traceyturnblatt]

Before I met my DH 10 years ago I was raped by a man in my own home.

I never told anyone as I felt it was my fault and I had encouraged him by bringing him back to my house.

I had woken up to find him on me and I hadn't done anything. I couldn't. I could barely breathe.

I thought people would judge me and side with him. I thought people would think because I was drunk that I was asking for it.

I have been seeing a counsellor due to PND and after years of keeping it squashed down it all came to a head and it's all I could think about.

With everything that had been going on about sexual assaults and the #metoo campaign I felt worse that I hadn't reported it and I had let him loose on other women. That I wasn't brave enough to stand up to him.

I told my DH last night and I thought he would judge me, I thought he wouldn't understand why I hadn't told him after all this time, I thought he would think I was contaminated.

He hugged me and kissed me and told me he would do whatever I wanted to do about it. He told me he would always be there for me and how strong he thought I was for keeping it inside for so long.

I'm just posting this in case someone else thinks like me. I didn't think I could be loved fully because of my past and my DH still does.

Don't keep it in.
Tell someone.
You're not alone.

Wow, you are very brave and your dog is a real keeper. X

Bloody autocorrect!! Dh not dog!

Well done OP. Very brave. I hope you don’t feel guilty for any of it x

beautiful post.

This is a link to a Ted Talk given by Elizabeth Smart about recovering emotionally from being abducted and sexually assaulted. On one hand it could be triggering, at the same time, I found it helpful to hear from recovering from so much shame and from the feeling that she not longer had value, that she was no longer lovable. And then moving past those feelings to claim her story. Your post reminded me of it.
TedTalkElizabethSmart

@fessmess 😁

@BeeFace I think I still have a way to go to fully realise that I'm not to blame for this. I still have really vivid nightmares about it so hopefully those will fade too.

@CoyoteCafe thanks for the flowers 😊 that's a really interesting link. She sounds so brave!

You might find it helpful to talk to a therapist about what happened. It might help you process it so that you can move past the nightmares.

just a thought.

@CoyoteCafe I'm already seeing someone due to my PND so we've started to go through this as well. I'm not sure if she thinks they are linked somehow?

I'm lucky to have her to talk to.

Sending

This whole media situation also triggered me to tell my DH about a rape and several sexual assaults in my past. For the first few weeks I found it very difficult to think about anything else but I am starting to feel a bit more normal now. Talking about these things is always difficult but I do think it helps.

Sending lots of love

@TammySwansonTwo for you too. I'm sorry that you had to go through it too. I'm hoping that as the days go by I'll get better