Has anyone defended the indefensible?

[EasyToEatTiger]

I know we all like to think we do the right thing and that we wouldn't let people get away with horrible stuff.
I have been reflecting on my relationship with my husband, and I am horrified about how I have defended some pretty awful behaviour from him. A friend said he groped her at a party and I defended him. I'm sure she was right and can now really only profoundly apologise. I defended him after he had lost his temper with members of my family's staff. His behaviour was terrifying but I still defended him.

I know it is awful when a member of the family does something horrible and now I understand better the disbelief that someone you love could behave the way they did.

I wonder if anyone else has experienced this feeling of realising just how wrong they were?

I am also finally on the way out of an abusive relationship, and I wonder if I protected my husband through love or fear, or both... His behaviour towards me at the time was mixed but became a lot worse.

Yes, on occasion, even defending the behavior towards me, when commented on by other people. Why? Because you are so entrenched in the abuse you feel if you speak bad of them its a reflection on you. Well that is how I feel, I would downplay things. I feel like if I stayed with someone who deep down I knew was not always a good person (he wasn't sexually vile or anything, but would use his moods to try put his point and anger across because he can't communicate well in that way)., what does that say about me?? So I minimised it really.

Its a head fuck. Because you know its not you. I think if you raise the incidents with people, you will see that they could see your defense for what it was. Fear I guess. Your friend who your ex groped must think a lot of you, because if that was an acquaintence and that happened you would cut ties.

I also have a n ex who could be lovely, more infrequently towards the end but still, but the rest of the time he was an emotionally abusive bully. He has depression and anxiety and I found and still find its easier for me to cope with to defend his actions as a symptom of his depression. Sometimes I question if I made his behavior worse.

Talk to your friends, you'll be suprised how many knew. We once had a meeting with a lawyer acquaintence about his drink driving conviction as a favor. He was helpful to us, didn't charge, but ex was behaving very bizarrely. I out it down to the fact he was anxious and embarresed about it, when I left him he said to a mutual friend " I always thought he was a bully".

Sorry if that is a bit rambling, but your post resonated.

Agree with the previous poster - your post resonated for me too. As I stopped making excuses for my ex towards the end of our marriage I found myself really seeing his behaviour clearly, and it has been a real eye opener to hear how others viewed his behaviour. My mum used to tell me to stop making excuses for him. I desperately wanted things to work, I always held out hope that he would change, I thought that he perhaps didn't realise how selfish his behaviour was. However, his behaviour has only escalated since I have left. There are so many factors around this. I am waiting for some counselling, I am pretty good at self reflection but I think that it is extremely validating to talk over things with people. Good luck for the future!

I was afraid that I'd be flamed here for asking the question. I expect it happens a lot when children complain of the behaviour of an adult and are not believed.

I think it is denial. We minimise the issues because we can't cope with the truth of it, it's just too awful to believe of people we care about. A kind of subconscious defence mechanism.

Yes, it makes us look defective to the outside world for staying with a horrible person. So we convince ourselves and others that their behaviour isn't wrong, because otherwise we'd have to face up to the fact that we've fucked up massively in choosing our life partner.