How can I forgive?

[Cantgetagoodusername]

My DS was born at the beginning of the year. Difficult baby, health problems etc. I too have been ill since his birth.

My DH completely changed since his birth- emotionally distant, no support, angry, horrible & aggressive comments (said I was a fucking martyr for breastfeeding, the house was a shit hole as I've been sat on my fat arse tending to DS's every need!) texting another woman (apparently wanted a friend basically using me as an emotional punchbag at my most vulnerable time

He accepts that he acted awfully & has apologised & said that everything got on top of him (new difficult baby, some work & family issues) & that he would never treat me like that again (not that I would let him!).

But I don't know if it's because I now feel less vulnerable (& less hormonal) but I am really angry & finding it hard to forgive that he treated me like that. I have done so much for him & I feel so let down that he could treat me so badly.

Is it just time? Can you forgive & forget a person treating you badly when you needed them for support?

I'm not the most forgiving by nature so really struggling at the moment!

I tried and it didn’t work for me. It struggled along for years but it was irretrievably broken .

Hope someone comes along with a more cheerful message for you.

Sorry, I'm not sure I could forgive that to be honest. And I'm not sure you should. He sounds horrible.

my DP was like that when DS was born 4 years ago ....i am now posting on another thread about separation ! Maybe that tells you what you need to know .

4 years on and my anger and hurt has not abated one bit .

to be fair he is a changed man in that respect , a fantastic and helpful father , but it's too late the damage was done .

You don't HAVE to forgive.
You may not ever get over it.
I would imagine your respect for him has totally died.
Could you try counselling?
For yourself and together.
That is, if he really isn't abusive anymore!

I'm sorry you had such a terrible time. Even if his behaviour was totally out of character it can still be unforgiveable - for you. Sometimes words and actions just can't be forgotten, they alter how you see another person. As you say, you were at your most vulnerable, but I doubt you verbally abused him and started contacting other men?

Thank you for your comments. I am angry. I too found that a difficult time but didn't take it out on him

When he was at his worst I did mention counselling to him, but he wasn't agreeable as he sees this as a sign of weakness

Because he has said he's sorry he expects that to be the end of it. He is always saying that I am different towards him now. I am, most definitely & as a poster pointed out I have lost respect for him & don't see him as that person I thought he was.

It's very hard.

I wouldn't forgive that. I wouldn't even try to. Sounds like he's behaved terribly and is now sorry (for himself) because he's realised that there are some consequences to his behaviour.
My ex p was not very nice after our baby was born. That's why he is an ex.

Counselling is a sign of weakness?
No, mistreating your partner because she prioritises the NEEDS of the baby over the WANTS of her husband, that is a sign of weakness

No. He's behaved as though he hates you and at the same time is texting another woman. A quick apology wouldn't make me forget either of those things.

Oh wow, I’m sorry you’ve had such a difficult time and glad you’re feeling a bit better in yourself.

I’d really struggle to forgive his behaviour, it’s genuinely shocking he could say those things to you.

How long has it been since he apologised? What happened that made him see how badly he’d treated you?

No DC involved but I found with my ex that once the respect and kindness had gone the attention and affection died and there was no way back. He just wasn’t the same person I’d married. Everything I’d loved and relied on about our life and our relationship was ruined.

He’s betrayed you completely. How you feel in normal and your anger is justified. Does he still sometimes make you happy? Do you like and love him?

I suppose the good thing, if there is one, is you know how strong and capable you are. You’ve survived so much already and you know that when he effectively abandoned you and your baby you coped without him. At a time when he should have been making more effort than normal to look after you and make your life easier he let you down. And you got through it. But in order to find a way through it to happier times, you both need to know why he was like that, if he really is sorry, and that it won’t happen again. Only you can say but you deserve to be loved and have a partner who cherishes you.

Oh boo hoo you don't act the same towards him

I wouldn't either. He wouldn't be living with me any longer, tbh. Who the fuck does he think he is ?

And next time his life gets a little tough ? Fuck that.

I didn’t get over how badly my then H treated me after the birth of our first child. It took five years for me to leave, but I know that I never got over it and the resentment and anger was a huge contribution to our eventual split.

That behaviour would cause a total loss of trust in me and tbh...I'd be fearful he's going to do it again regardless of his promises.

Sorry just doesn't cut it unfortunately.

I don’t think I could come back from that. He has shown you how utterly shit he can be. What happens when the next life crisis comes along? How will he act then?

That sounds awful. Like you said, he treated you like this when you were vulnerable. That's an awful way to behave.

How's his bond with your dc? Does have one?

I know that some men get jealous when their partner breastfeeds but I just find it absolutely pathetic.

Do you still love him? Does it seen like he loves you?

I am the same as op, when you needed him the most he was vile towards you, having a baby should be a wounderful time in your life, for you both to share, I am a single mother for the same reasons, my ex was disgusting also, and over time there was no going back only resent. I'm stronger now than ever, and now I can see just how horrible he really was. You deserve better and so does your dc.

Went two people go through a bad time and are unable to help each other then it is often irretrievable. Just saying sorry wont cut it as the emotional scars run deep and if they are always playing on the mind of one partner then things will never get better.

Just to offer a perspective from the other side, my DH and I went through something similar early in our marriage - but I was the awful one. We didn't yet have children but we were going through a very stressful (for both of us) family situation and I took it out entirely on him. I became quite angry, unpredictable, aggressive, controlling, etc. The things that helped us get through it (and I think forgiveness has been a long process for my DH, not a one time deal) were practical changes rather than apologies. I had CBT (referred via the GP) to get to the root of why I had reacted like that and to develop different coping mechanisms for dealing with stress in the future. And I worked really hard to change my behaviour. It took a long time because they'd become quite ingrained, so it was a bit two-steps-forward-one-step-back but gradually he regained trust that I wasn't going to revert back to being that person. And it's hard. You lose your right to express normal anger/frustrations for a while, because your partner can't trust you not to blow your top. And it's disheartening when youre trying really hard and then they bring something up that you said a year ago, and you realise it's all still fresh in their mind. But it can get better. We're 7 years on now and very happy. I believe he's forgiven me - but it took a long time.
How long is your partner willing to wait for your forgiveness?

With me I found that once the hormones balanced out, I realised I had lost respect for my ex totally because he behaved so appallingly throughout the pregnancy, birth, early weeks. And once the respect had gone, it was better he went too.
Can you picture him acting in a way long term that will regain your respect? For me, once the scales had fallen from my eyes, there was no going back. You can't love a man who is that useless when you need him the most.

I really feel for you :(

Sorry is all very well, but it's just words. Would you consider marriage counselling? I feel nothing else it might make it clearer to you whether you can continue in this marriage or not.

It just seems to me like he is sorry but that you can't be sure that he won't revert to that behaviour again. If he is so serious about recommiting to you and making up for letting you down in the most awful way then surely he would agree to marriage counselling? If not, well...he clearly he would rather put himself first. It sounds like he wants to rugsweep and not actually look at what he was done.